In the casting line, we have congealed cement and orgasmic thunder, vomit, and food worse than MREs. We have spam with chocolate and mustard. We have tofu bunnies. We have a gospel singer with cement as a dish. We have a self-described lazy Latina. We have tuna fish mousse that made Anne and Tyler almost puke. We have "eco-friendly beauty lasagna" that looks like it is the remnants of someone's plastic surgery and smells like diapers.
Let's see who Anne and Tyler get stuck dealing with this year. I guess Tyler couldn't convince Bobby to come back to deal with these hopeless yokels:
Five seconds into the "prepare your best dish" and someone's
- Lazy Latina Glenda had fish of the sea. Both judges liked her. Tyler even gave her a dance.
- Yo Gabba Gabba Donna, the Newport hairdresser who is speaking jibberish to Anne describing her dish. Her dish made Chanda gag quickly. It looked like noodles dipped in egg wash and left out for a week on the counter.
- Lawrence, Jersey Army vet, who is abusing a steak worse than anything on the battlefield.
- Ernie the truck driver who is better hauling liquid chemicals than using them on the stove. He also thinks there is no thing as bad seafood. I shuddered. Tyler liked it though.
- Chanda, who's got nice shoes and is too busy checking her hair in the microwave. Probably good, since her cooking may have actually killed someone. Her strategy seems to be boiling a container of bacon bits. This may put her in the top half of the field.
- Manbun Nick is making a jailhouse burrito. And pouring boiling water into a standing bag. And wrapping it in a paper towel. On the bright side, all of his ingredients may be easily smuggled into a prison to make this dish. Convicts, we have your champion! His final product looks like a hot pocket, which may be how the items got into prison in the first place.
- Gospel Ty is making a hot mess. His words, not mine. I agree with Anne, that crappy singing would make me want to kill him the first day too. His food is as raw as his singing.
- Bloody Jeni is going to get the judges drunk with her Bloody Mary chicken. Again, not the worst strategy - until she adds pickle juice. Judges thought it was a crime scene
- David managed to come up from his parents' basement for this series, but is using the wrong end of the knife. Is there a medic around? He's making a BLT but using fried plantains as the bread. Eek.
- Boston Taylor was swiftly put on the show by his girlfriend/fiancee/dominatrix/boss before his cooking kills her. His accent is so egregiously Boston that I could almost hear the Patriots bleating in his voice.
- Finger-licking Holgie left her bongos at her geodesic dome. I don't think she left her stash of Maui Wowie behind though. She's more baked than her food.
- Gini is multicultural! She served Spanish rice, because it had avocados from Spain (which is the same as Mexico) and French onion dip that resembled gremlin vomit.
- Rachel served a pancake that can double as a hockey puck on Friday and a yarmulke on Saturday. She is talented enough to serve a pancake that was raw and burnt at the same time.
- Sydney made a shepherds pie that was spit out by Anne in less than a second. It was very consistent, though - so much that it doesn't appear to be cuttable.
Tyler ended up with Jeni, Sydney, Rachel, Gini, Lawrence, Finger-Licking Holgie, and Ernie.
Anne got Yo Gabba Gabba Donna, David , Manbun Nick (who literally flipped out over his selection), Gospel Ty, Taylor Swift, Chanda, and Glenda.
Time for boot camp. Holgie seems scared of being thrown into the fire. Maybe she'll fire one up before boot camp starts.
Red team gets to attempt prosciutto-wrapped pork tenderloin with peach chutney and asparagus. Yo Gabba Gabba Donna is wearing two sets of glasses to see because "bifocals don't work for her". Apparently, heating pans doesn't work for her either, and ovens amaze and confuse her. Fire bad for Yo Gabba Gabba Donna! The red team gets excited for the bourbon but no one seems to be taking notes.
Blue team will try a sticky brick chicken with creamed corn and crispy kale. Tyler tried to teach them how to break down a chicken. Two team members look like they're going to cry, and the rest seem amazed by the sorcery. At least they are taking notes, though Holgie's scared of the food processor and Rachel is confused by doing a reduction.
Chanda seems unfamiliar what to do with a long piece of meat like that. I wouldn't have guessed that based on her shoes! Lazy Latina Glenda is having trouble reading packages as she tried to wrap pork in something other than prosciutto. David and Taylor Swift forget what "skinny" end means when they wrap their loins wrong - but their girlfriends say it's ok, it happens to all men at some point. First fire of the season goes to Rachel, who stares at it in confusion, or secret pyro adoration - I can't tell which. Manbun Nick is having more trouble with knife skills than with his backflips. Ginny has a smoking - no, fiery - pan and burned her wrist. Chanda is peeling her thumbs along with the peaches. David is having an anxiety attack brought about by peaches, and got a boo-boo with the peeler which caused him to freak out. Bloody Jeni is carrying lots of equipment around the kitchen with no clue on how to use any of them. She's also scattering her trash and knives all over the floor - disgusting.
When it comes to tasting - well, I hope Anne and Tyler took antibiotics beforehand.
Ernie's dish is good but incomplete because he decided not to serve underdone chicken - good move. Sydney's presentation is good and she gets decent marks. Jeni's dish is as messed up as she is, making Tyler gag with how overdone it is. Ginni gets good reviews. Holgie serves "the best creamed corn so far". Rachel has anemic color, no glaze, and her food tastes like fear.
Anne reviews her team. David's asparagus is OK but other elements are off, and she calls out his breakdown in seeing "all the dominoes fall". Yo Gabba Gabba Donna is back to one set of glasses, and her presentation is good, but the whole dish is way too spicy. Manbun Nick was out of his element by not using a microwave, but overall does a good plate - and does another backflip. Lazy Latina Glenda's dish was off by using double prosciutto and underdone pork. Gospel Ty gets called out for throwing out the wrong part of asparagus and serving what appears to be scrambled eggs, but the pork is cooked well. Taylor Swift did well on all elements but poorly on knife cuts. Chanda wants to run away and take the chainsaw she used to cut her food with her.
Time for eliminations! Ginni and Manbun Nick are the best on their teams this week. Taylor Swift, Yo Gabba Gabba Donna, Lazy Latina Glenda and Gospel Ty are also safe on Anne's red team. Lawrence, Sydney, Holgie, and Ernie are all safe for Tyler's blue team.
Jeni and Rachel are at the bottom for Blue - fire versus trash. Jeni's going home - thank goodness, given her propensity for tossing trash all over the floor and leaving knives on the floor to slip on, fall on, or worse. Chanda and David are at the bottom for Red - and David is done. Anne hopes this is a good jumping off point for David, but given his reaction to a cut earlier I'm just hoping it isn't a jump off a bridge.
Tune in next week for more disasters and facepalms.....
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