Spam S'mores

For those times in life where you just have to ask, "WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT???"

Unlike Lenny, Justin Warner did end up with a TV show after winning Food Network Star, back in season 8. Unfortunately, we get to see this sort of monstrosity.

I know it's a Web series and not on TV, but still.........blech.

I've never heard of it but apparently it's known enough to be Google-able:

Still....no. I think I'll pass up on this Foodie Call.

Great Food Truck Race - Labor Day Edition

For Labor Day weekend, we present...food trucks!  Today Santa Fe gets to be a destination in more than Ticket to Ride.

Let's see if the Waffle Boys can do better in a taste challenge than they have in the truck stop challenges.  Uh oh, the theme is peppers, which favors everyone BUT the Waffle Boys.  They do at least have a corn waffle they do, which would work better with a savory presentation, but I worry about how they could keep it from seeming forced.  They are making a chile relleno into a waffle???  It looks like someone made an omelet into a waffle.  The teams only have 30 minutes to cook, which makes me worry about the soul food truck's ability to develop flavor profiles in their soup.  The Spice Girls have a chile relleno that does not appear fried, and the Burger Boys are told their meat needs more seasoning.  The Waffle Boys are told their waffle relleno is "innovative."  The soul food truck does indeed get the flavor into their soup.  This challenge is right up the alley of the Apple Dumpling Gang, and they do shine, but the soul food truck comes out the winners of $1000 for their final till.  I thought they were going to get dinged for using bell peppers in their soup instead of something with more spice.  The Spice Girls are unimpressed, with one of them calling soup and cornbread what she makes to mail it in when she doesn't want to cook.  Bring on the trash talk!

The Waffle Boys appear to have chosen poorly on their spot, as people are driving by without stopping.  We'll see if it helps them more by the end of the day, but it doesn't look good right now.  The Apple Dumpling Gang is running smooth as pie, which is a nice change for them.

Speed bump time: Only one hour to shop for the rest of the weekend, no more restocking allowed.  Interesting balance, because you don't want to run out of food early and lose customers, but at the same time any extra food costs could have been money in the final till instead.  Someone is sure to run out, but who's it gonna be?  The Spice Girls are wondering about their price point since they are having people walk away after asking the price.  Fifteen bucks is a lot for a bowl of chili no matter where you are.  Some of the trucks are closing up a bit early because they don't have the customers and they want to save their food for the next day.  Tyler gives the soul food truck a bit of friendly advice...wonder if he's doing that for the others off camera as well.

So, on to the next day and another speed bump: everyone gets to park in the same place.  The farmers' market seems like a great spot, but again we have to wonder who will run out of food?  The soul food truck adds a breakfast wrap because they're parked right next to the Waffle Boys.  The Spice Girls are having trouble explaining their food to dumb people with no taste, but their whining about it is getting annoying.  They do finally consider lowering the price, but one of them is griping about it and saying they don't think it was necessary.  Honey, when people are walking away when they hear your prices, that's an issue!  The Burger Boys are already worrying about whether they will have enough food.

The farmers' market closes, and everyone has to search for a spot again.  The soul food truck is thinking their parking spot will be big enough.  Nope, they hit someone's bumper.

As a side note among the commercials, we see the promo for Eddie Football's new show, BBQ Blitz!  We also see that Worst Cooks in America has now jumped the shark with a celebrity showing.  Sorry, folks, but that marks the end of my interest in the show for watching it or blogging it!  Now taking nominations for someone else to join the SnarkFood team and blog it...

We come back to the soul food truck and their bumper crop.  The dad is saying it's a minor graze.  Uh oh.  That just sounds like it's going to lead to going somewhere else and leaving no note.  Dude, YOU'RE ON CAMERA!!!  It's not even Candid Camera, you know it's there!!!  Say goodbye to that extra thou in your till, or at least a few hundred of it!  Sadly, I'm right.  At least a couple seasons ago the guy was honest about it!  It's sad when your kid can figure out that your money just disappeared and you can't!

In better news, the Waffle Boys came up with the idea of a grilled cheese waffle.  That had better stay on your menu, you need to have a savory option to keep up with the others!!  The Spice Girls apparently didn't need to drop their prices, because they ran out first, with FOUR HOURS left to sell.  The Apple Dumpling Gang is dropping their prices by half with 45 minutes left, and people are turning around when they hear 50% off.  The Waffle Boys did overbuy by a whole batch, which runs them $150.  They're saying, "we can't go home this weekend."  Hate to say it, boys, but you can go home any weekend.

Judgment time, and Tyler asks the teams to recap the weekend.  This sounds like the leadup to pounding on the soul food truck.  He goes to the Spice Girls first and tells them they need a better elevator pitch.  Looks like the Burger Boys also had a bunch of food left over.  The soul food truck loses $250 as a deductible AND another $250 for not stopping and doing the right thing.  Did you really make that much in sales in the time it would have taken you to leave a note???  Next stop is Amarillo, but who will make the trip?  Despite the extra batch of dough not getting sold, the Waffle Boys run away with the victory, selling over $5000 in product.  The soul food truck is in second, but if they hadn't hit that car they would have been at the top.  Spice Girls and Burger Boys are at the bottom, separated by 80 bucks.  Selling out too early and dropping their price hurt the Spice Girls too much, and they go home.

Keri from Spice Girls is tearful again talking about being away from her kids.  You know, we see that on this show and Food Network Star both, as well as to a lesser extent on Hell's Kitchen.  First of all, you know what you're signing up for and you know it's not going to be easy.  No, I've never tried to be away from my son for that kind of time, but on camera isn't the place to show the emotions about it either.  Second, it's only the moms they show on camera saying this.  When they have dads on these shows, they talk about doing all this for their kids, but it's not the emotional scene that it is for the moms.  Thanks, editors, for furthering the stereotype that moms don't get to become top chefs and stars, and that you can only be a mom food star if you became a food star before having your kids.  At least we have Melissa d'Arabian to show us otherwise!  Ok, stepping off my soapbox for this week.

Great Food Truck Race 8/30/15

Time to see if the Apple Dumpling Gang can continue their madcap caper!  The recap starts with the type of introduction of each team that we would have liked to have had last week.  The Apple Dumpling Gang was allowed to use their proceeds from last week to rent another truck to use.

It's raining/snowing in Flagstaff.  I didn't even know it snowed there!  First challenge is simple, who can sell the most by the end of the first day.  The soul food truck is addressing the weather by making soup.  The Waffle Boys are sticking Belgian chocolate into the middle of their waffle.  WANT. RIGHT. NOW. The Apple Dumpling Gang is sticking close to them hoping that being different enough will get people to buy from them also, rather than wanting people to come of them instead of the Waffle Boys.  The Burger Boys start doing BOGOs, never a good sign.

The winner of today's challenge gets to start selling an hour early tomorrow.  That won't help the Waffle Boys if today is Saturday, as it appears to be, because they'll be in church, right?  The Waffle Boys win, so how will that work out?  They leave at 9 AM while everyone else leaves at 10.  They all have to get to Sedona, and the Waffle Boys decide to shop and start mixing before their leave so they're ready to go as soon as they get to Sedona.  I guess it's not Sunday after all.  Looks like the one thing they forgot to do was get a place to park, but they do find a spot at the same place as 4 other trucks.  Well, this is where the fact that they're ready to go right away helps them.

The Spice Girls are playing to their audience by putting a vegan dish on the menu, and their customer base seems to appreciate it.  One of them has her kids visit...I guess they're local?  They didn't mention that, and they're not talking about being able to get a ton of friends to visit.  The New Yorkers don't seem to have much of a market here, but they decide against moving over to the store where everyone else is.  The Spice Girls' vegan curry seems an even better financial decision as the Apple Dumpling Gang and Burger Boys are losing sales for not having any vegetarian options.  The trucks have one more hour until it's time to stop for the night, but they have to have a full truck of ingredients by the time they leave.  The Waffle Boys shopped well enough this morning that they don't have to stop selling to shop.

Truck Stop Challenge: The teams have to sell rabbit-rattlesnake sausage dishes, and at the end of the challenge they have to pay $100 for the sausage.  However much they sell, Tyler will double it.  The Waffle Boys are making a sausage benedict that I also WANT. RIGHT. NOW.  They've skinned rabbits before and are able to describe both the taste and the texture of rattlesnake...clearly they know their ingredients well.  The Burger Boys mix their sausage meat into their burgers, and the Apple Dumpling Gang mixes theirs into egg roll fillings.  The Spice Girls have made chili.  The Apple Dumpling Gang and the Waffle Boys are cooking WAY too slow, though, and they are the last to leave.  The Apple Dumpling Gang ends up with only 20 bucks after paying for their sausage, and the Waffle Boys have to hand over 10 bucks of their own money, which will then become 20.  The Waffle Boys should be okay after their previous days at least, but the Apple Dumpling Gang is in trouble.

They have a few more hours to sell, which means finding a spot again.  The Burger Boys added a vegetarian option, and people are ordering it.  This time the New Yorkers do move halfway through when they see the scene is dead.  The soul food family parks outside a tourist info spot, good call there.  The Waffle Boys are getting good sales, but one of them needs to learn that there's no crying in food trucks!!  My money at this point is on the Apple Dumpling Gang or the New Yorkers going home.  The Waffle Boys are nervous because of the lack of excitement over their sausage, but they sold out of dough at the end of the night, so they can't be that bad off.

Judgment Day.  Ice T could not be reached for comment.  Next trip is to Santa Fe, but we still have to see who is making the trip.  Spice Girls win on their home turf, not a surprise.  Waffle Boys came in second, and the Spice Girls are lucky that the boys did so badly in the cooking challenge.  Tyler points out that this is the second week in a row that the boys haven't done well in the cooking challenge.  I was right, bottom two are the Apple Dumpling Gang and the New Yorkers.  Fifteen dollars decides it in favor of the Apple Dumpling Gang, and their caper continues.

Join us next time to see if the Waffle Boys can up their game in the challenges.

Great Food Truck Race is back!

Last night we were (among other clothed activities that still kept us up past 3 AM) watching the season finale of last summer's Great Food Truck Race as Middle Feast took the win.  Now it's finally time for a new season, this year with a Route 66 theme.  Start your engines, ladies and gentlemen, it's gonna be a wild ride!

Well, we're not starting out in Radiator Springs.  Instead we start and end with water, going from Santa Monica to Chicago.  Before we even get introduced to the teams we learn their first task, selling $200 worth of their signature dish at the Santa Monica Pier to be allowed to go to the Route 66 kiosk and get a map to their next destination.  I do kinda miss watching their faces as they see their truck for the first time.

We have a father-daughter team making Central American soul food that so far looks like regular soul food.  We have a waffle empire, since waffles seem to be the new bacon these days.  We'll see what Mike thinks of the New Yorkers making Italian food and if he likes them more than he liked Dom.  We have a husband, wife, and daughter making Cuban food...yum!  Too bad they can't remember to turn on the rice cooker.  There's an Asian truck and a spice-based truck that so far is making Indian food but may still reach into other types of spice.  Globally Delicious burgers?  We'll see how they end up.  The Spice Girls are looking to live for themselves and get validation to show their kids later.  That doesn't usually seem like a winning strategy, but we'll see.  The waffle guys are asking people if they've heard of their truck, which doesn't seem useful two states away from home.

The Spice Girls reach their goal first, and Tyler tells the rest to stop.  I'm wondering if the others have only what they told so far as their first seed money, especially since Tyler just gave the Spice Girls an extra $100 for their seed money.  Yep, that's the deal, and you can sail away from Cuba right now since the family only sold $20 worth.  Whew, they all just got $66 more in their tills, because Food Network loves a theme.  That still leaves the Cuban family sitting on a third the seed money of anyone else.

The glimpse going into commercial shows one of the trucks with smoke coming out of it on the side of the road.  Um, guys, you're supposed to park and THEN cook!!!  Here's an interesting twist...the Asian dumpling team is talking about how they've always called their truck Diva because she's temperamental.  Did Food Network decide to cut costs this time by only using teams that already owned their own food trucks?  Part of what I liked about the past seasons was teams getting their shiny new trucks, especially since learning from a food truck owner here that most food trucks are a good 20 years old when a business gets ahold of them.  The waffle truck team is 3 brothers from Provo.  I guess we can see what they've done now that their missions are over.  Fourteen kids in the family, and one of them is having trouble naming all of his siblings in the right order!

Arriving in Arizona.  The Spice Girls are branching out to another country and hoping to beat the heat by taking their signature curry dish off the menu and replacing it with a jerk chicken lettuce wrap.  The Cuban family is at least allowed to mitigate their disaster by using their leftovers from Santa Monica as they start cooking.  As long as it's not Soylent Green.  It sounds like the Asian team is doing a corn dog banh mi.  I wonder if that would be a Gene Weingarten Google-nope.  Looks like it is!  I can see that as an answer to a challenge, but doing it on purpose is just weird.

Time to find a parking spot.  The soul food family finds a bass fishing competition...good spot to sell to country boys.  Burger boys are in the same spot, and we find out that they met because they were both in love with the same girl.  Instead of fighting over her, they formed a bromance over food.  The waffle truck, the Spice Girls, and the Cuban family found the only landmark in town to sell at.  The Apple Dumpling Gang starts to see smoke...apparently Diva wants to be taken out to dinner herself before she puts out again.  They have no money to pay the tow truck, so they have to convince a tow truck operator to leave the tow truck hooked up to the food truck as collateral that they will actually pay up once they've sold some food.  I *really* don't like this.  The New Yorkers are at a skate park.

The Spice Girls have people waiting in line for over an hour and add their tikka masala back into their menu because it's fast to serve.  The soul food truck finds the bass competition isn't biting and decide to move.  The Apple Dumpling Gang decides the same despite it costing them $100 for a tow each time they move.  The Waffle Boys like working with their siblings...good thing the truck only fits 3 of them, since they can't remember all of their siblings' names.  The Apple Dumpling Gang is pulling their hair out.  I hope they at least made enough to pay the tow truck driver!  If they get eliminated, are they going to just have to stay in Arizona until they make enough to get the truck repaired?

Cooking challenge time: fish and chips.  Which makes no sense without the explanation that the bridge in town is actually a reassembly of the real London Bridge.  Winner gets $500 and could be the only chance the Apple Dumpling Gang has.  The Waffle Boys are stopping to go to church before they make their food.  I hope for their sake that they're not staying for priesthood after the Sacrament meeting!  At least they'll play on Sunday, unlike the BYU basketball team.  It could work out really well for them if they shop and prep while everyone else is in priesthood/relief society/Sunday school and leave the truck at church to sell as everyone leaves.  They do not go that route, however.  The Spice Girls' fish is taking too long to cook, which could make up for the Waffle Boys going to church.  Nope, the Spice Girls join the Apple Dumpling Gang, the New Yorkers, and the Guava Tree to finish first.  The New Yorkers were the first team, which seals the deal for the Apple Dumpling Gang.  I don't think the Waffle Boys starting late will make up for three tows.  The Cuban trick is having mechanical issues as well, but the dad is able to fix it.  Dad Points for the win!

Tyler comments that it's been a while since everyone on the show already had their own food trucks.  I didn't see the first few seasons of this to have known that.  Wow, the Waffle Boys didn't just stay alive, they won!!  They had half again what the next team did!  Guess they did have plenty of time to go to church!  There's a good example that when you give to God, he takes care of you.  Guava Tree and the Apple Dumpling Gang are at the bottom, but the Apple Dumpling Gang is somehow safe.  In a beautiful display of sportsmanship, first the Apple Dumpling Gang and then the other teams run over to hug the Guava Tree family.  Tyler says that Food Network will get Diva to the next destination, Flagstaff, but then it will be up to them to get it fixed or keep it moving some other way.  Just as long as the Apple Dumpling Gang doesn't try to pull off a madcap caper that's fun for the whole family to fix it!  Tune in next week to find out.

Food Network Star Finale

Dom, Eddie Football, or Lenny Jr?  Ok, if you've been following the show or this blog, you know that this really isn't a question.  There's not much original about any of them, but Lenny comes the closest with his Cajun cuisine and shines on camera to boot.  But we have to go through the rigamarole of reminiscing with the other contestants and pretending we don't know what's going to happen.

The finale actually tends to be my least favorite episode until the last minute because nothing else actually happens.  On Hell's Kitchen, the finale has the ultimate competition with each contestant having their own dinner service with their own menu.  THAT is how to do a finale.  Watching Dom fail at rocking a Christmas sweater all over again just isn't as compelling no matter how much everyone laughs at it.  We've already seen them shoot the pilots, and they're not even cooking in the pilots this year!  This is going to be a much shorter post than the others because there's not much that I haven't already snarked on unless they bring in outtakes.

Well, here come the dancing outtakes!  Brian Boitano's pirouette is more graceful than Eddie Football's...whatever the heck that is.  Hashtag Matthew offers to teach Bobby how to twerk.  I'm not sure if I'm glad or disappointed that never made it to camera!  We do get a nice view of Giada's cleavage as she presses Brian Boitano about his box and what she'll find inside.  I'm sure some viewers would like a retrospective of Giada's dresses here, but they mostly only show the ones without significant boobage showing.

Pilot time.  Lenny does get a little weird standing on an empty street to shill his version, and he may have just opened the door for Eddie and Dom.  Before getting to Dom, they cover Mama Michelle quitting.  Susie emphasizes "no regrets," but Michelle's face shows that she really does regret it. Dom's pilot is very good, particularly impressive for him, but it doesn't seem any different from Food Network's other offerings.  Eddie Football does shine during his pilot, so Lenny leaving the door open may bring the decision to how many of the judges want to spend the next year or two feeling Eddie up.

Decisions, decisions.  This is starting to seem like a 50-50 decision rather than a gimme for Lenny.  Maybe I won't have to start using his real name after all.  Susie and Bob see why Giada and Bobby advocated for Dom before and Giada describes him as shiny happy people.  I still think he's the clear runner up here, though.

And Eddie Football beats out Lenny!  So much for thinking this episode would just be Lenny and the Chipmunks.  He did have the better pilot and the better guns, as the parting shot displays beautifully.

Next Food Truck Race starts next weekend, and we'll see if I can keep up with posting.  Until next week, marshmallows!

Food Network Star 8/9/15

Final Four...again.  We start with the final 3 having the carrot of making a pilot dangled in front of them.  But they may not be the final 3 because we have the Star Salvation winner coming back to spoil the fun.

Dom's back, baby!  Let's see if he can knock off one of the Wonderboys.  The men get 45 minutes to cook for their lives with sous chefs from the eliminated finalists.  With some of them, I'm not really sure if they would be more of a help or a hindrance.  Eddie Football takes Alex.  Dom takes Hashtag Matthew for some reason.  Lenny Jr. takes Emilia, remembering how well they worked together in Week 5.  Brian Boitano tries to choose Bobby...I'd join him in that!!!  Since Bobby's disappointingly not up for grabs, he gets Rue.  Mama Rosa, Mama Sita, and Christina get to go home again since they are still not wanted.

Eddie Football is making a spiced meatball with a ginger carrot puree.  Lenny is making fried catfish with a crawfish etoufee.  Brian Boitano is making lamb sausages with tabbouleh.  Dom is making a pasta bolognese.  Dom expects Matthew to take orders, but he decides he wants to go off the map and sabotage Dom.  Brian Boitano talks about how much he likes sausages.  There really is nothing more to say here, the joke is already written.  Matthew isn't Dom's only sabotage, as Mr. Italian has issues with the pasta machine.  Matthew ignoring Dom's orders actually works out for him, as he turns out a good sauce.  But then he ruins it by grabbing his lost shaker of hashtags and coming up with #YoloBolo.  I just can't even.  Next contestant!  Ooh, Brian Boitano and his sausages, they'll be more fun!  While Brian Boitano is jiggling his sausages, Lenny and Emilia have jiggle cornbread.  Rue was right and Brian Boitano's sausages aren't juicy enough.  Eddie Football makes the cardinal mistake of putting something on the plate the judges are not supposed to eat...unless he's hoping to watch the sweat glinting on Giada's cleavage as she eats a whole habanero.  Except she's not actually showing cleavage today.

One take only for the videos.  We'll see how Dom does with that.  Eddie Football stumbles worse than I was afraid Dom would.  Dom is shaking in front of the camera.  Wow, I'm not sure who's worse between him and Eddie.  I was hoping for so much more from both of them.  As Brian Boitano starts his sausages, Lenny thinks he has stiff competition.  But then the wheels fall off the bus.  Eddie and Dom might be safe after all, we will see.  Either way, the only questions at this point are who Lenny's runners-up will be.  Dom stumbles in his presentation but then picks it up and helps us to get more pleasure from flour and eggs than from Brian Boitano's sausages.  I can't even understand Eddie!  Dude, football players are supposed to run wind sprints, not speak them.

Lenny is perfectly safe, and then there are the other three.  Dom gets to make a pilot!  Now who goes home, Eddie Football or Brian Boitano?  Eddie is safe, so I never have to use Brian Boitano's real name.  Mike said I'll have to start using Lenny's real name eventually, but I'll wait till he wins to use it.  The boys pop open a bottle of champagne.  Who would have thought that Dom would be there for it at the beginning?

Lenny's filming his pilot at a chicken and waffles joint in New York called Sweet Chick.  Who is his guest director?  Rachel Ray!!!  Because I don't read her magazine or watch her talk show, it feels like I'm seeing again one of the greats from the past, like if Emeril came out of retirement.  I really do miss 30-Minute Meals and $40 a Day.  Lenny wants to do a show where he travels to eat fried food.  That's gonna help his figure.  Still, you know you're doing well when the director wants to use the first take of the intro.  When it comes time to tasting, Lenny starts to fall apart.

Eddie Football also gets to meet Rachel, who immediately starts checking out the gun show.  I'm jealous!  Eddie has performance anxiety, though.  He's filming at a barbecue place.  Is this the first year where the pilots are not showcasing the contestants as chefs?  Whether Eddie beats Lenny or not, he does at least earn a kiss on the head from Rachel.

Dom meets Rachel at a "Traditional and Vegan Italian Restaurant."  Vegan Italian?  Really?  If you say so.  Dom stumbles as usual, but at least he has multiple takes this time.  Tune in Sunday to watch him and Eddie lose to Lenny!

Food Network Star - Star Salvation 8/9/15

While we were out (or at least not watching episodes online), the eliminated finalists have been trying to work their way back into the field under the guidance of Alex Guarnaschelli and Jeff Mauro.

They waited to start until they had 4 eliminated finalists, so we have Christina, Hashtag Matt, Mama Rosa, and Mama Sita competing on tacos.  Mama Rosa is making chicken parm tacos.  Alrighty then.  Hashtag Matt still needs to remember he's on tv and not on Twitter.  Christina's food saves her over Mama Sita.

Rue comes in next, and we'll see if she can bring out her flavor again.  This dish and presentation have to capture the moment when they fell in love with cooking.  I would have to make my great-grandmother's sour cream sugar cookies, especially since it's only half an hour of cooking time, not long enough to make my pie crust.  Rue thinks her beef cubes for stew are bite-sized...is she feeding dinosaurs?  Mama Rosa's mascarpone wontons leak out, leaving shells as empty as her hopes.  She tries to recover by deconstructing it and putting some extra cheese on the plate, but it looks too pre-made.  Christina makes a soup that seizes up and talks about depriving her husband of mushrooms.  Hashtag Matthew makes a salmon fillet in a buerre blanc.  Mama Rosa leaves and Emilia comes in.  We are back to zero Mamas since Mama Michelle quit and isn't returning for salvation.

I would say Emilia has a chance to show less arrogance in this show, but she dashes those hopes right away.  The contestants have to make a dish using ingredients that also go into Bobby Flay's barbecue sauce.  Hashtag Matt's making grilled shrimp ceviche.  Missing the point much?  Rue is making chicken breasts sized for dinosaurs, so we'll see if those cook in time.  As we head to commercial break, all four cooks seem to set the kitchen on fire at once.  Star Salvation isn't supposed to refer to the medics saving everyone's lives, people!!  Christina's steak and Rue's chicken are raw, so we'll see if they are able to salvage their dishes.  Emilia made some sort of Indian veggie dish where she subbed everything out for other things.  Christina goes home.

Now we get to play with avocados!  I love making my guac, but I'm not sure how I would class that up for television.  Emilia wants to take a page from Alton Brown's book and make avocado cake in the microwave.  I hope this one doesn't leave the judges looking green around the gills.  Hashtag Matthew is deep frying his avocado.  Rue is making something with an avocado peanut butter sauce, but using her avocado two ways saved her and Matthew goes home.

Enter Dom, who is told he is the best cook out of them.  They get a mystery ingredient to use, and Emilia gets squash blossoms...nice fit.  However, her oil is not hot enough to fry them.  Dom gets rosemary-lavender.  I hope he can keep the herb from getting overpowered in his pasta dish. Rue uses sorghum in her chili con carne.  Emilia's presentation disconnect sends her home.

Finale time, and Alex joins the crowd!  They get 25 minutes to make one perfect bite.  Rue is making butter poached salmon topped with brussels sprouts.  Alex is making some sort of cheese sandwich from London.  Dom is making a lamb chop with cauliflower puree.

The winner is...not to be learned until the next episode.  I WAS about to go to bed, but now I'm going to push it out and watch the next episode.

Food Network Star 8/2/15

I know, I know, I'm late again.  And now I have three episodes to blog, because we get to also see who comes back from Star Salvation.  For now, though, we get the First Final Four in between me jumping up to check on the corn fritters I'm making.

Live from New York, it's Food Network Star!  Each of the guys gets a topic to present for two minutes.  Eddie Football gets summer burger toppings, and he hopes that the trend of burgers winning will continue.  I hope so, because you need a rally monkey, my man.  Next up is after school snacks, and Mike roots for this to go to Brian Boitano.  However, Lenny looks to Bobby like he enjoys snacks, so he gets this one.  Alex the Sandwich King gets one-pot meals for a hot date.  About the only way I can see him meld this with his theme is either pulled pork or one hella gourmet Manwich.  Mike's thinking some sort of small calzones that can be deep fried in the pot.  Alex is psyching himself out from the beginning, though, thinking about it as talking to a beautiful girl for two minutes.  Brian Boitano gets breakfast and complains about the amount of times he's had to tackle eggs on this show.  Just because you never do it in your private life is no reason not to expand your horizons now.

The contestants only get 30 minutes, so there goes the pulled pork idea.  Alex is making a Portuguese bouillabaisse instead, but he thinks he can make the whole thing and add a million and a half ingredients in two minutes.  Lenny is kinda taking it easy, making pigs in a blanket and ants on a log.  Eddie Football somehow grew up in America without ever hearing of ants on a log.  He's making beer battered onion rings and jerk ketchup to top a Caribbean burger.  Brian Boitano is making egg crostini with smoked salmon spread.  He's right that he has some lovely colors, especially with paper-thin radish slices on it.

Eddie Football presents first.  I do like that he interacts with the host from the beginning.  He's dancing back and forth a bit, but in a much more smooth manner than Michelle a couple weeks ago.  He gets the attention of the host, who comments on how tight his muscles are!  Eddie's radiant and Bobby can't stop grinning.  Brian Boitano is next, and his motor mouth is leaving the host gaping.  He flubs the actual cooking as the food processor did not want to work, but we will see if Alex screws up and saves him.  Alex's time is ticking away on the story part of his presentation, because he still hasn't learned to cook and talk at the same time.  The host also dings him on putting garlic in a date night meal.  Yeah, he saved Brian Boitano's ass on this one.  Lenny is also saving him with how simple his ideas are.  Dude, at least use some andouille or something!  Eddie Football was clearly the shining star in this challenge.

Snacking on my corn fritters as I blog the rest of this episode brings me back to summer nights with my grandma making them at the family cottage in Massachusetts.  We'll see how the boys remember summer as they put together a 30-minute live show about summer food, alternating 5-minute segments.  Their guest judges are from The Kitchen, including Alex getting faced with the first Sandwich King, Jeff Mauro.  Eddie Football gets to parcel out the segments as his reward for winning the mentor challenge.  He takes summer veggies for himself instead of sabotaging Lenny with it.  He's not about to give Lenny indoor grilling, though, handing that to Brian Boitano instead.  Brian Boitano's starting to annoy me with the pouting when he doesn't get what he wants here.  Alex gets family reunions despite only ever having been to one, which leaves summer sweets for Lenny, with a crack from Bobby about not making pigs in a blanket.

Summer cookin', happens so fast.  Unless you're Alex and his ingredient list, anyway.  The boys have to include each other in their segments, but they at least have some time to plan together.  Brian Boitano wants to plow through a complicated-sounding shrimp recipe, but we'll see if he gets plowed by the other contestants, especially as he has no plans for including them.  Eddie Football starts out by planning just how to include his cohosts.  Alex wants to make ramen, because his one and only reunion was in Indonesia.  And everyone else starts smiling as they feel their chances rise.  Jay wants to make a strawberry cocktail and coconut chocolate tarts, but we will see if he gets them done in time.

Eddie is making pasta out of veggie ribbons, which fits with his health focus.  Brian Boitano is also grilling corn, which always makes me happy, but we will see if he can come back from his undercooked shrimp at the Fourth of July challenge.  Jay gets his tart shells done just in time, but can he get the filling in place?  Filling, yes, but no decoration or garnish.

The show is in front of a studio audience, which means Alex is a goner.  He compares it to skydiving, but he's out of parachutes unless someone else gift wraps one and hands it to him.  Eddie fumbles the pass as he puts his veggies into the pan, but it gives Brian Boitano a chance to take the pan and be included and he plays it off well.  Brian Boitano wants to bring the grill inside and set your home on fire.  Or is that his flaming personality?  He's so in love with himself that he only uses his cohosts to model the word he just made up.  As Mike says, he just made himself into that guy that you never want to invite to another cookout.  And that's before he starts talking about someone going through his trash!!  Wait, WHAT?  I'm going to have to rewind and catch this again.  He talks about his mother going through his trash at the family restaurant, but if he explains it gets cut off.  Now let's see Alex's soupy reunion.  He creates openings for the guys to be involved, but they have no clue what to say.  Eddie Football finally jumps in to smell the broth, but that's nowhere near enough to salvage this segment.  I think Lenny's tarts are safe.  He involves the other cohosts by asking them what summer sweets they love.  He includes his POV, but he still has 2 minutes left AFTER everyone has tasted.  Good thing he has his cocktail as well!

Alex hopes his ramen is good enough to save him.  Better start packing your bags for Asia, boy.  Brian Boitano makes up for his past performance on shrimp but not for his presentation.  Jay's tarts seem unfinished with no garnish, tarnishing his stellar presence on screen.  Eddie Football's food scores a touchdown and gets the two-point conversion to boot.  Giada pays lip service to this being a tough decision, but we all know it's not.  You have a clear winner, a clear loser, and two people to fill the middle of the pack.  They pretend that Brian Boitano is being considered for elimination before dropping the news on Alex.

The episode is gone and so are my corn fritters, so it might be bedtime.  If you see another post from me tonight, it will because my determination overwhelmed my good sense.

Food Network Star 7/26/15

Thanks to Michelle walking off last week, the top 5 are all male for the first time.  All of them except Brian Boitano have a lot to enjoy with Giada's latest dress.

The first challenge is to work with their brand to create a dish that a home cook can recreate in half an hour from a kit of fresh ingredients.  Lenny Jr is making fish and grits instead of shrimp and grits, and Dom is making chicken cutlets with arugula.  Because arugula shows him off as a tough New Yorker.  Brian Boitano is all ready for people to receive him in a box, as if he's used to being anywhere near one.  Sandwich King Jr. has the best tagline for his brand, but we'll have to see if he can present without giving an ingredient list.  Eddie Football is making a Caribbean shrimp salad, but he added too much citrus juice.

Presentation time, and Alex is shining for once.  He describes harissa paste with colorful and descriptive language instead of saying what it's made from, and he works his brand in.  Mike thinks that Alex will run over time, but instead Lenny comes close to it.  Brian Boitano says that his brand here is "party in a box."  I'm sure there are a lot of people who want a party in a box, especially as Giada starts talking about it too!  She sure seems to be inviting one with what her neckline shows...more like a boobline than anything else.  Dom also shines at presentation time!  I guess he and Alex both had the fear of God put into them.  Eddie Football goes last while knowing his food isn't up to par, and the nerves take over.  Eddie comments that Giada does not have the best poker face (while Mike adds that Eddie would probably like to poke her face), and Bobby is not impressed.  Eddie has been on a downward slope for too long now, and if Alex and Dom aren't in their usual position at the bottom he may be in trouble this week.

The judges reveal what rank everyone was given in order to let them choose what holiday they want to do a special for.  Alex wins and takes Fourth of July as the best sandwich holiday, and Eddie loses and get stuck with Halloween.  Alex talks about going to Dewey Beach as a kid, so he's an East Coast boy.  Eddie Football wants a big piece of meat with a big bone in it for Halloween, and Giada seems to want the same.  Lenny hits his personal touch while also getting a piece of meat that cooks faster by making Thanksgiving quail.  Eddie comments about Lenny barely being able to get his fingers in the butt as he stuffs the quail...isn't that Brian Boitano's job?  I know the jokes in this post seems to follow a theme, but they've just been writing themselves.  Brian Boitano has Valentine's Day and is making chocolate framboise wontons that sound incredible.  However, he is worried about them oozing down onto his shirt, which can't be the first time he's ever said that.  And since it's Valentine's Day, then he wants to remove his shirt.  Still, I do like his teaching point that wontons don't have to be savory.  Italian Boy Dom is making fish for Christmas, but I kinda wish he was making octopus like some friends of ours!

Just before the end of the challenge, Demaris walks in!  I can only imagine the fun she and Brian Boitano could have together with Valentine's Day, given her romance movie video from last season.  She is excited to see all the men, which I can believe with her persona on the show.  Demaris tells them that they have to sell themselves...  Dom is getting nervous again as he goes into doing his video, so we will see how this ends.  Lucky for Lenny, they get two takes and he gets to fix getting a little too personal in his story.  Alex has realized that the Food Network execs aren't wanting him to be someone else, they just want him to be himself.  However, he lists his ingredients yet again, at least in his first take.  Brian Boitano wants to shock and he decides to go tacky by talking about how much money he makes on Valentine's Day.  Eddie Football is ready to shine...or maybe not.  He finishes his first take with 20 seconds left.  Let's see if Dom can do better.  He does start by rocking the Christmas sweater, but then he starts stuttering.

As we see a few minutes later, Dom's second take isn't much better, at least not until he starts cooking.  Once he starts cooking, though, he starts to shine enough to stay alive.  Eddie still has trouble connecting the main components of his dish to Halloween and looks to join Dom at the bottom.  Brian Boitano does fairly well aside from not defining framboise or ganache.  Alex and Lenny seems to be the winners here, but we will see what the judges say.  They do not list anyone as being safe now that the group is this small, but it seems to be Dom's time to go.  Bob and Susie agree, but Giada and Bobby are arguing for him to stay.  They want Eddie to go, but Bob and Susie like him on camera much more than Dom.  Giada emphasizes that it was not a unanimous decision, and Bobby breaks the bad news to Dom.  When it comes down to it, Bob and Susie are the bosses.

Down to the final four, and we will see next week whether Eddie can turn it around in time.

Food Network Star 7/19/14

I'm more on top of things tonight, or at least not falling asleep, so we get this episode on time!  As we left last time, Michelle was commenting on being the last woman standing, and that's how we begin this episode.  Honey, if you can't do better than last week, you won't be standing much longer once Dom and Alex fall.

Giada starts by asking the contestants what they like for breakfast/brunch.  I'm sure there are men watching all across the country who would kill to have Giada asking what they want for breakfast!  Unfortunately for them, it's just a precursor to the challenge, where they have to make breakfast in 20 minutes that can be taken to go, so no utensils.  Cut out to Brian Boitano saying, "I get it, I'm a busy soccer mom..."  Is that your persona?  I guess there are people who may like that, but I don't usually think of a soccer mom look when I think of a drag queen.  Granted, I can't say I've been to many drag shows lately (okay, ever), so there's a lot I don't know about drag queens, but still.

This challenge does at least play to Alex's strengths, but we'll see what the others do.  Football Eddie is crusting a steak in uncooked grits. We'll see how that works.  I don't usually just pick up a steak and eat it unless I'm at Renn Fest.  Lenny Jr. puts his andouille hash into a taco shell, Brian Boitano turns his hash into a wrap filling and Michelle makes her quiches mini so they can be hand held.  Dom wants us to eat a poached egg in the car, because everyone wants to go into an important meeting at work with egg yolk streaking their shirt.  He tells Bobby to poke it first, which sounds more like what he'd like to do to Giada.

Brian Boitano starts his presentation by saying he cooks with a lot of boys who love bacon.  That's just too easy.  He also says the ladies love it, which I didn't know he cared about.  Mama Michelle starts thinking about her kids and gets sidetracked enough to start babbling.  To hear her talk, she picks her kids up from school on Sundays and then sips mimosas with them.  To top off her stellar performance, she forgot to salt her quiches.  So your food was as bland as your presentation last week.  Not a winning strategy.  Good thing you already got to be the last girl, because that seems to be the last thing you'll be known for.  Sandwich King made a sandwich that you can't pick up and eat and made chipped beef with fresh chorizo that Giada compares to baby food.  Hmmmmm, maybe I should start making Patrick some baby food with chorizo!  His presentation is heartfelt, but that won't save him for long.  Eddie Football scores big with his presentation but fumbles his food as the grits get lost.  Lenny's tacos earn him the win and the as-yet-unnamed advantage in the next challenge.

Richard Blais comes in to introduce a food truck throwdown, and Dom knows he's come home.  The contestants are divided into three teams and Lenny gets to choose the theme for each team between burgers, tacos, and grilled cheese.  They also get to create a side dish.  Oh, and they get to make a video to draw people in.  Do we get to see Lenny Jr. as a monster like Lenny Sr.?  Dom says he does social media all the time to advertise his food truck.  How does he manage the spotlight for that??  Brian Boitano and Lenny have burgers, Alex and Dom have tacos, and Eddie and Michelle have grilled cheese.  Brian Boitano and Lenny decide to call theirs Asian Cajun Burger Boys.  Stick it between the buns?  Alex wants to get into some slapstick comedy with their video and truck name.  We might as well just ask right now which one of them is going home.

Brian Boitano and Lenny Jr. are making their video, and Brian Boitano says they are alike because they both like meat and buns.  Then Lenny is gesturing about how big he can take it and saying he's going to bring that Cajun flavor between his buns.  Burns going in, burns coming out?  Brian Boitano said he wants to eat Lenny's.  Does he just see a bear?  Good thing they have two more takes!  Or is it?  The second take is flubbed badly.  We don't see the third take, so I guess that's the one they use in the end.

Eddie and Michelle start their first take with Michelle doing her version of the White Man's Overbite while Eddie looks on in the horror of a man who looks like he has some rhythm.  Michelle keeps dancing in the second take while also saying "cheesy weesy," which sounds like she either needs an inhaler or has her kids on the mind again.  We don't see their third take either.

Alex and Dom have three takes to slap each other and eat a tortilla-wrapped jalapeno.  Again, burns going in, burns coming out?  I don't want to be standing behind them in an hour!

While they're cooking, Michelle is distracted by her kids again.  Lenny is worried about the time to cook that many burgers.  Well, he was warned.  Brian Boitano is making his buns out of ramen noodles, and they have to sit for 20 minutes before they can be grilled.  I'm just waiting for them to lose customers to people with shorter lines.

We see the videos now, and the Burger Boys took the sex out of their video.  Michelle keeps dancing through take three and ends with a move that makes you think she's waving a thong around her hand.  The judges say her soup needs to kick butt in order to not boring.  The Slapstick Boys actually did end up with a video that had Giada and Bobby cracking up enough to make Giada lean forward and show even more cleavage...they might be the winners on the video side after all.

Customers!  The Burger Boys have a crowd and no burgers lined up.  Unfortunately for Eddie and Michelle, her soup is awful.  Dom and Alex are looking safer and safer all the time.  Or they were.  By the time the judges get there they have no customers and Alex's sausage taco is all burnt.  Brian Boitano's ramen noodle bun is a surprise hit, and Richard Blais thinks the burger customers will be the most satisfied despite the wait.

During judgment, Michelle tells the judges that her mind is with her kids.  Giada replies that she's a mom too and that it's hard, but that they only want people who really want to be in it.  She adds that some people don't realize how hard it is until they're in there doing it.  Amy from Season 3, anyone?

The Burger Boys pulled out the win despite the wait.  They are the only ones safe, as Giada points out that at this point there are only winners and losers.  Alex and Michelle are at the most risk, but I think Michelle will go home.  Giada is poised to send Alex home until Michelle interrupts her and quits.  Giada gives her a yes/no/cancel, but she goes through with it.  And she was so proud to be the last woman standing.  As Mike says, she's been in over her head for weeks, but still.  Giada and Bobby talk about it and decide to let Alex stay.  Eddie Football is competitive enough to not want an asterisk on his win.  He needs to bring the flavor from here on out if he wants that to even be a consideration.  So Dom and Alex are safe for another week, Alex by the skin of his teeth.

Food Network Star 7/12/15

I'm still less than a week late for Improv Madness.  It's sad that that's the best I can manage, but I'll take what I can get right now.  We saw a commercial last night for FNS Redemption, and that reminds me to still hold out hope that Rue will come back.

Armenian Mama and Dom say they're going to put last week behind them, and Dom says he's going to do something this week that plays to his strengths.  Mike comments that this plan basically limits him to mime.

Ooh, Duff comes to town!!!  Oh, yeah, and there's some bigwig with CiCi's Pizza as they get to make pizzas.  But Duff is here!!

Brian Boitano thinks that bold, kicked up flavors will be easy for him.  Yeah, cause that's what he's been giving us for the last few weeks while he keeps getting saved from elimination by other people being worse than him.  The CiCi's guy says that the winning pizza will be on their menu for a limited time.  Mike comments that we'll get stuck with it whenever we go, but luckily for us, we never go there!  Stevi B's is looking better and better all the time.  Mike paused the show while I wrote this, and we get a freeze frame after the clock starts where Emilia is the only one still standing there while everyone else is running for the pantry.  There's a winning strategy right there, sweetie.

Dom is putting sausage and pickle relish on his pizza.  He does realize that this is pizza and not a hot dog, right?  Alex is seeing a pizza as an open-face sandwich, which is an interesting take on it.  Too bad he's putting eggplant on it, which is nothing more than a canvas for other flavors unless you're making baba ghanoush.  Brian Boitano is making veggie samosa pizza.  Uh, come again?  Wait, and Emilia is too??  Did they both get off at the same stop on the Crazy Train?  They stayed on a station longer than Eddie Football and Lenny Jr, who are both making fruit pizzas.  Lenny, however, can't get his cooked through.

Stage Fright Dom is stage frighty again about presenting on camera.  Maybe we can get some black and white clothes and makeup for him after all.  Lenny knows his pizza is raw, but he does rock the presentation.  Brian Boitano also gets stage frighty and starts babbling, but taking a bite puts him back on track and his pizza is good.  Harissa has become the It Ingredient du jour, as 2 contestants out of 3 have used it so far.  Sandwich King forgets to mention sandwiches, and his crust is raw as well.  Emilia sounds like she's presenting to first graders.  Both samosa pizzas get raves on flavor, though, so what do I know?  Armenian Mama ends up with dead air and nothing special on the plate.  Eddie's dessert pizza is fully cooked, and he pulls the brand into his presentation, making him the winner.

For Improv Madness, the contestants get to choose their fellow contestants' dishes based on protein, unlikely ingredient, time of day, and color.  Alex gets chicken livers and caramel...that could either make them finally edible or make them something for Fear Factor.  The contestants get 45 minutes to cook and then have a 4-minute demo.  Ohhhh, the first demo makes the snark so easy!  Dom continues to whine about being on camera.  Did anyone tell him this contest is to have a tv show?

Bob and Susie are back for the demos, which also include improving a story and an expert tip.  Wow, good thing they have 4 minutes!  Sandwich King needs bleeping...there's a good way to impress Bob and Susie.  Eddie Football looks like a winner again, and Bobby wants to put his salt-and-vinegar chip-crusted fried quail on his menu.  Armenian Mama is like cream of wheat, smooth but bland.  Emilia starts out well, but then she starts trashing everyone else in a way that moves over the line from funny to offensive.  Did she miss the lesson given to others about working with other people?  I don't think her reception is going to be very warm back in the green room or in the judging room.  Dom gets to go right after her, just to make his stage fright even worse!  He actually shines for the first minute, though, before running out of material and having to be a stand-up comic for three more minutes.  He's still chewing his duck, too...apparently he missed the lesson about talking with your mouth full.  Lenny Jr. shines again, including making fun of his own seized-up gumbo from earlier in the season when he had to talk about a dish done wrong.  See, Emilia, that's how you're supposed to make fun of the show experience on camera!  At this point, he and Eddie are the front-runners in my book.

As the contestants talk in the green room, Alex talks about how hard it is to come up with a story to tell on camera.  Lenny knows his stuff, though, telling Alex that if they can't connect with the viewer, the viewer will change the channel.  Bob points out at the beginning of judgment that this is midterm evaluation time.  Eddie Football and Lenny Jr. are at the top, with Lenny pulling out the win.  Michelle and Brian Boitano are safe as well...apparently bland is enough for Michelle this week.  That puts Dom, Alex, and Emilia at the bottom.  I think Alex is safe out of that group, but he got the lowest rating from the audience.  Emilia apologizes to the judges for her meanness, but where is the apology to her fellow contestants?  While the judges are deciding, she's in the green room disagreeing with them while wearing a shirt that says "Break the Rules."  They don't even play with saying a name and saying they get to stay, they just tell Emilia she's gone.  Giada at least pretends regret, but that is so clearly #sorrynotsorry.  Dom and Alex are hanging on by a thread, though, and one of them would have left if Emilia wasn't so mean, so let's see which one of them can pull it up just enough next week to stay alive.  Armenian Mama is the last lady standing, which also paints a target on her back, as the boys make clear during the credits.

Food Network Star - 7/5/15

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but I was still sleeping off the Fourth...or falling asleep too early after work each night, but the other sounded cooler.  Let's see if the contestants' lives are more interesting than my own.

Ooh, is it time for the Chopped challenge?  No, everyone has something different, all their favorite ingredients.  Lenny Jr. says he's licking his chops for the venison on his board, but it looks more like he's licking his lips over Giada's cheerleader outfit (which Mike keeps rewinding to see).  Speaking of boobies, Dom says that ricotta is mother's milk to him.  When was Patrick going to tell us that it tastes like ricotta???  Eddie Football knows habaneros like the back of his hand...just don't rub that back of the hand across your eyes, buddy.

Uh oh, now they have to switch ingredients with someone else.  Eddie gets Michelle's grape leaves and wonders what a Southern boy can do with that, while I'm wondering how they would taste cooked up like collards.  I'd try it some time to see if I didn't hate collards!  Rue just got Lenny's venison when it seems from her cooking like they don't have meat anywhere in South Africa.  At least Lenny gets a protein in Rue's fish.  Eddie Football thinks the same way I do, using them instead of collards in a sausage soup.  Ok, maybe I will try it that way, I like kale in soups like the one at Olive Garden.  Rue is going to a deconstructed pot roast with Lenny's gorgeous venison.  In other words she's going to overcook the hell out of it and then scatter it around on the plate with a few other things?  Michelle uses habaneros to overpower her shrimp.  Brian Boitano switched from shrimp to scallops because it's ok if they're a little raw.  I guess that's one way to learn from your mistakes?  Dom has five spice and wants to make a dish like one he used to get on the way to see his grandmother in Flushing Queens.  All I know about Flushing Queens comes from watching The Nanny as a kid, but Mike says it's a heavily Asian area, so that might work out well.  Alex is going to use ricotta to make cucumber tea sandwiches...maybe he can have a tea party with a group of 5-year-old girls afterwards?

Michelle's plate looks beautiful, but we'll see how hot it is.  The judges tell them to switch plates again and then cut to commercial before telling us why.  Maybe they have to taste and describe the other dishes like they're doing a tasting on camera?  Bingo!  They do get to be a little critical, though, like they're on Chopped instead of like they're having to play up someone's dish on another show.  Michelle actually doesn't have enough heat to her dish.  Michelle did a better job than Eddie in describing, which makes sense since she's a food blogger.  Emilia is kinda harsh in her description, but the judges agree with her about the scallops needing more of a sear on them.  Brian Boitano wants to eat the whole meal before speaking, and then he gets slammed for saying there's too much salt when there isn't and for not being descriptive enough.  Dom wants to know if Sandwich King II treated his ricotta with tender loving care.  We don't need to know what you do in your bedroom with your mother's milk, hon.  Alex doesn't see Dom crushing tea sandwiches with his boys on Staten Island.  We'll see if they both manage to out-feminize Brian Boitano during this segment.  Now Dom is comparing ricotta and lemon to PB&J.  Wow, Mr. Asian Cuisine Sandwich King can't name the five spices in Five Spice, and in Giada's reaction we see what looks like the exact opposite of her O-face.  I can at least name more than half of them!  Now let's see how Rue did on her venison.  It's not overcooked!!  Lenny thinks she did justice to the animal and was effective at describing what venison actually is.  Rue described Lenny as having "attempted" to grill the fish, and she was eloquent in describing what the fish should be and why it wasn't that way.  As we thought, Rue won for the first time!

The judges have an experiment to try to help discern their cooking styles.  Brian Boitano wants the experimenting to stop as he says, "Let me do me!"  He seems more like he wants to be doing others, but hey.  The judges think they have pairs that can work together well.  Eddie Football/Mckayla is not impressed.  Time for the coupling up!  Giada thinks Brian Boitano will be "fabulous" with Michelle, who Brian does NOT want to work with.  Rue's reward for winning the last challenge is that she gets to switch her pairing.  She got Dom but wanted Brian Boitano, so now Dom is paired with Michelle.  And you can see how thrilled he is.  You know, it's pretty bad when even Mr. Stage Fright doesn't want to be paired with you!

The pairs have to make a meal for Match.com that pulls their POVs into one cohesive dish.  Eddie Football and the Sandwich King are meshing like peanut butter and jelly as they make a jerk chicken banh mi.  Lenny and Emilia make a Cajun pork loin over polenta.  Rue and Brian Boitano make an African and Asian surf and turf while Brian Boitano worries that Rue can't bring the spice.  Michelle can't seem to do anything except snipe at Dom, who feels the need to supervise her every step of the way.  Will she screw up anyway, or will he screw his own up in parenting her?  Michelle calls this "The Dom Show, and I'm the dumb sidekick."  Finally, some self-awareness!

Lenny and Emilia are plating and Emilia wants Lenny to get a lot of that pork sauce on the plate.  Um, why is it yellow then?  Emilia says the sauce is where the spice is...  They don't get the sauce onto the plate, and the Brussels sprouts seem lacking on some.  Their presentation is a hit, but the food?  Eddie Football makes sure to talk first, and their presentation and dish show their bromance has staying power.  Rue and Brian Boitano wait until service time to cook so that their meat isn't overcooked, but we'll see if the diners are ready for the Hunger Games.  They do get the plates created but have no time to coordinate their presentation.  Couldn't they have been doing that while they weren't cooking earlier?  Their food is raw and touch at the same time and under-seasoned to boot.  Michelle takes charge of the presentation since Dom took lead on the food because of Dom's stage friend.  Dom doesn't like that, since the first thing he says criticizes marriage in general to a bunch of people wanting to get married.  There's a winning play right there, babe.  And Michelle doesn't know why he's upset.  Dom's risotto is overcooked while Michelle's shrimp worked.  Michelle and Dom are fighting like Kramer v. Kramer until Michelle walks off the set.  Dom feels remorse and Drama Mama comes back to fight another round.

And fight she does until she is shut down by Anne Burrell telling her to put her Big Girl Panties on and deal with the hand she is dealt.  Brian Boitano was wiping away tears at being told their dish has no flavor.  He is safe, though.  As is Dom, surprisingly, although he is on notice.  I think Drama Mama's going, since Rue is so unique.  And I'm wrong, very disappointingly.  I really wanted to watch and cook from her show.  I'm so disappointed I can't even make fun of her mascara running on camera.

Hopefully I'm happier after Sunday's judgment, and I will try to post it sooner!

Food Network Star 6/28/15

The episode description says it's time for Fourth of July cookouts.  On June 28.  Let's do the Time Warp again?

The contestants are divided into teams of three.  Mama Rosa thinks everyone wants chicken parm at a picnic. Brian Boitano realizes that his meat costs $250 with a minute left on the clock...Football Eddie to the rescue as he makes it to the meat department to slice the portion and back to the checkout time as the clock ticks off the last second.  Football Eddie recognizes a fellow athlete as he notes that Brian Boitano is sweating like he just finished a figure skating competition.  Rue's team ended up $100 under budget.  This still isn't Hunger Games, and I'm sure that will come up in judging.  However, it will be someone else's problem as the judges make the teams switch cars.  

Bobby Dean is still in good with the Food Network, and he is the guest judge today.  Dom is mourning the loss of his steaks while Lenny is rejoicing.  If there's one person he wouldn't want to give up a set of gorgeous ribeyes to, it's the Grillmaster.  Mama Rosa has to go vegetarian because someone (Rue?) did not have a protein.  Brian Boitano is wondering what to do with his shrimp while Mike tells him to put it on a stick.  Brian then gets a little too excited about the cucumbers.  He's going to grill some fennel with it, so we'll see if he can do it better than Rosa last week.  Football Eddie has some gorgeous loins.  Sandwich King makes his own ketchup and mayo to use as bases for other sauces.  I admire anyone that can make mayo by hand.  I love watching Meryl Streep do it in Julie and Julia.  Dom pouts for a while before coming up with an idea, but I'm wondering how it will taste.  Armenian Mama will be cooking during service and trying to keep up.  That always goes well.  

Time for everyone to introduce their dishes to the Dials of Doom.  Each person gets to only choose one meal to eat.  Emilia starts out channeling Katy Perry as a firework and the audience responds.  Rue starts out ok and fizzles from there.  Stage Fright Dom returns and makes Rue look engaging.  Brian Boitano sets the stage and is on fire, and then Sandwich King takes all of the rest of the time crashing and burning.  Or almost all of it.  Football Eddie has to actually interrupt him to get ANY time, and then Sandwich King jumps back in to talk over him at the end like a five-year-old wanting his mommy.  Mama Rosa is engaging for once, and Armenian Mama and Lenny keep it going.  Looks like everyone is going to want their food, so we'll see if Armenian Mama can keep up with cooking her skewers.  Football Eddie engages with the crowd since he didn't get to talk during presentation.

Tasting time.  Dom's steak is good and his panzanella salad has decent flavor but is a little soggy.  Emilia's mint pea puree is good, but her tandoori chicken is bland.  Rue's shrimp dish gets good marks as well.  Too bad they had no line after the first five minutes.  Football Eddie's loins lack flavor, but Alex's sandwich is the best dish so far.  Brian Boitano's shrimp lollipops are bland and undercooked.  The white team has a long line, but it's because both Mamas are in the weeds trying to keep up with demand.  They start losing people to the boys' team.  Mama Rosa has too much unheated bread for her mushrooms.  Armenian Mama is ending up with charred skewers.  Ah, time management.  

The red team had 40 seconds left on the clock thanks to Dom and Rue.  Football Eddie would have liked that time!  Rue is told, "PLEASE step up!!  We need your food, but you suck at selling it.  Please, have a party! Feed us drinks!  GET US LAID!!!"  Football Eddie is told he has been letting it all slip away.  Blue team won by 3 tokens and are all safe from elimination.  In other words, Rosa and Michelle dicking around on time management cost their team the win and sheltered Alex from the whupping he deserves for his presentation.  Rue is safe despite her lecture from the judges.  Dom and the remaining Mamas are at the bottom.  The judges are not sure whether Armenian Mama can cook outside her home kitchen but decide to send the last Italian Mama home instead.

Tune in next week to see if we lose our last Mama or if District 11 loses their last tribute.

Food Network Star 6/21/15

I'm finally emerging from the haze of medication and finding an appetite again.  Let's see if this makes me lose my appetite again.  Looking at the synopsis on the DVR, we are (pretending to be) sad that Hashtag Manic Squirrel left before Buzzword Day.

Some of the girls are in the car mourning that the guys are staying in the top 3.  Michelle gags a bit, and Mike comments that this probably isn't the first time a guy has made her do that.  Trish will like this challenge for Shoot the Food, since they have to photograph their dish.  Emilia body checks Football Eddie to get to the mussels, and her Thai red curry mussels make me want to try it despite generally not liking mussels.  Football Eddie's seared scallops are SEXY...I don't want someone to break me off a piece of that, I want the whole thing.  Michelle wants to deconstruct a ratatouille...isn't that called a farmers' market basket?  Brian Boitano gets creative with plating his crostini...since all of the plates are taken, he turns small bowls upside down to create pedestals for his creation.  Sandwich King starts out with some decent looking crab cakes - this Maryland girl can see the lumps inside.  But then he ruins it to the point where Mike is yelling at the screen like it's a football game.  Because then when we yell at the screen, it DOES affect the outcome, damnit!!  He tops those little lovelies with generic poofy slider buns.  You're killin' me, Smalls!!!

Giada and Bobby aren't even going to taste two of the dishes, so the sex appeal of the photos really does matter.  The first one they pick is Football Eddie's scallops, and they agree with me.  SO jealous I didn't get to taste it!  Lenny is next with his steak over blue potatoes.  Stage Fright Dom is engaging, and so is his eggplant parm.  Brian Boitano's plating earns him a taste, but his personality and food are not as engaging.  Michelle's deconstructed ratatouille (animated character meets a spring trap?) and her presentation are both described as lacking their usual spunk.  Mama Rosa describes her meatballs as "basic" and Bobby gets on her for underselling herself, but Giada thinks she was on par with her description.  Mama Sita needs a lesson from Gladys Knight on the flavor of chicken and waffles.  The last dish to be tasted are Emilia's mussels, so Rue and Sandwich King lose out.  Dom actually wins something!  Let's see if it helps in the next challenge.

Ooh, Geoffrey Zakarian and Sunny Anderson!  We learn from Armenian Mama that Geoffrey shares her nationality.  Well, that answers that question.  We also learn that it's apparently a trend to make food that sounds like it should be gross.  Dom needs a vocabulary lesson since he apparently didn't learn "incendiary" in school.  Do they not take the SATs on Staten Island?  We have teams of guys versus girls.  They have to make a raw appetizer, a burnt salad, a stinky entree, a slimy soup, and an incendiary dessert.  Dom talks about the essence of "stank" like he's on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

At presentation time, the girls decide to go raunchy and offer Fifty Shades of Flay.  Rue has bland steak tartare on warm bone marrow, which slightly cooks the steak.  Armenian Mama fails to seduce with a slimy spinach soup with eggplant tentacles...oh, wait, octopus tentacles!  She knows what eggplant testicles are, thankyouverymuch!  However, she wants to throw everyone else overboard and go on a private cruise with Geoffrey, while Sunny wants to take the eggplant testicles to the face.  Rule 34???  I will note that, in the adventures of my changing appetite, eggplant testicles made me hungry.  I got ham and smoked Gouda and crackers, though.  Mama Rosa makes a burnt fennel salad that isn't as sexy as it sounds despite her pun about diners being burnt out.  The ship is going down, and the little man in the boat is unhappy.  Which one is the little man, Bobby or Geoffrey?  Mama Sita has made my go-to of penne, but she made it with crab.  Waste of good crabmeat if you ask me, and crab and garlic do not "stinky" make.  Emilia is flaming her spicy mango napoleon with meringue tableside and has a much more successful napoleon than I ever see on Chopped.

The men have no theme other than "Boys rule, girls drool!"  Sandwich King did not make a sandwich but did a lovely tuna tartare with radishes for the raw app.  I want!  I miss raw tuna!  Lenny is worried about his slimy gumbo.  It looks like his roux seized up.  Pathetic for a Louisiana boy.  Football Eddie freezes up in his presentation, and the burnt element of his salad is not visible.  Dom does bring the stank with his Gorgonzola polenta.  Brian Boitano also needs a vocab lesson, as he can't remember how to pronounce the word incendiary and never uses it in his presentation.

Going into judgment, we think Mama Sita and Rue are most likely to go home, with our money on Rue since she also missed tasting in the first challenge.  I hope not, though, because she brings something really new that I would love to watch.  I love things like South African peanut soup, and I'd love to learn to make more African cuisine (no Somalian foreign aid jokes, please).  Armenian Mama and her eggplant testicles were the best on the women's side, with Emilia second.  The men were better on the food and the women won on presentation, so neither team came away with a win.  Brian Boitano and Dom won on the men's side, but Michelle won overall.  Whew, Rue is safe!!  Football Eddie is in the bottom three, though.  He's safe, and hopefully that lights a fire under his butt.  Rosa is safe, too, and Mama Sita goes home.  She would have gone home last week except for Manic Squirrel being a cocky jerk.  Mama Sita comments that they won't get to taste what she can do.  Um, they already did, honey, that was your problem.

All right, now that we're caught up, I will try to be more prompt with our next installment.  But for now, more cheese and crackers.

Food Network Star 6/14/15

Now that I'm done watching Starks die on Game of Thrones, it's time to see the ways FNS contestants will murder food tonight.  Ooh, Melissa d'Arabian is back on tonight to watch the contestants make dinner with what's in the random fridges and the pantry.  The rush for the fridges when the challenge starts is reminiscent of the start of the 74th Hunger Games, but Rue is more of a contender here.

Emilia gets to the chicken first and takes Armenian Mama's idea of chicken soup but makes it Libyan with dried mint and harissa.  Mama Sita got the rest of the chicken, but she's putting mayonnaise into her chicken alfredo.  Well, the only thing I can say is that my Italian aunt Rose puts American cheese in her lasagna.  Meanwhile, Mike is grabbing a biscuit and going off to cry about mayonnaise alfredo and Jon Snow.  Rosa's pissed that everyone else got to the pasta first because she's Italian.  Reminds me of Debbie a few years ago, who wanted everyone to know that Koreans use soy sauce and garlic 'cause they're Korean.  She finds flank steak singing to her...honey, if the steak is singing to you, you've got bigger problems.  Brian Boitano says that he has to make something perfectly.  Um, yes, dear, that is the intent.

Presentation time.  Brian Boitano's performance is on ice, and his food should be there too.  Rosa treats the camera like her best friends, but she's way too babbly with her friends.  Let's see how Mama Sita's mayonnaise alfredo with cheddar cheese goes over...hopefully for her, it's better than her performance.  Mike says he wonders why a Jersey Girl can't keep talking for 30 seconds straight.  Mama Sita wants to cry after her performance, and the judges do too.  Matthew rehearsed his part.  To me, it didn't seem to help enough, although the judges liked that he was more focused.  Football Eddie manages to fit Cheat Day into his spiel about 8 times in 30 seconds.  Rue doesn't even get the name of the dish out in 30 seconds.  Sandwich King abandons his sandwiches to make fried rice...doesn't the idea of leftovers lend itself perfectly to a sandwich?  Emilia wants to play with the spices...like in a sandbox?  She slowed down, but she didn't smile at all.  Armenian Mama made pork chop soup since she didn't make it to the chicken in time.  Lenny II made a barbecue salmon hash and presented it perfectly.  Bobby challenges him to show something new about himself each time.  Dom still has STAGE FRIGHT, and his rehearsing really didn't help.  You're killing me, Smalls!

Next challenge: make a savory baked item that is inspired by a sweet baked good.  While you're at it, turn your workstation into a bakery that will impress pastry chefs.  Armenian Mama is lost until she thinks of a traditional Armenian appetizer that is similar to an apple turnover.  Matthew breaks out the science experiments as he makes a blue cheese ice cream with liquid nitrogen to go with his treat.  Brian Boitano makes princess cakes, and Mike wonders whether those aren't just "cakes" coming from him.  Emilia has almost nothing out at the end and is already calling her food a "disaster."   At judging time, in comes Alex Guarnaschelli, because she doesn't spend enough time on the Food Network as it is.  Mr. Stage Fright calms sown, but then he starts explaining himself too much.  If you have to explain yourself, that's not usually a good thing, but it comes across better than expected.  Lenny Jr, on the other hand, is so rehearsed that he comes across as a used car salesman.  Brian Boitano makes up for his previous performance with a turkey meatloaf cupcake.  Emilia is also apologizing for herself and writing her own ticket home.  Mama Sita takes advantage of the fact that there's no time limit and talks and talks and talks and talks.  Alex delivers the ultimate blow: "This dish tastes like something on Chopped, like someone was constrained to use specific ingredients."  Eddie Football makes Caribbean corn muffins, and Alex and Giada rave about him like they're ready to let him at theirs.  Bobby doesn't seem to mind getting some crumbs either!  Rosa seems to engage the judges and is described by the judges as a possible star, but she grates on it.  Sandwich King describes his Vietnamese crepe as a different kind of sandwich.  Alex comments on his sex appeal...man, the girls are ready to go today!!  Armenian Mama puts forth a bland appetizer and admits not making her own puff pastry, but Alex describes her as "genuine,"  Matthew comes across as having NO social skills and calls Alex a "beast."  And his food is just as good.

Judgment time!  This week's winners are Eddie Football and Brian Boitano.  Bottom two are Emilia, Mama Sita, and Awkward Matthew.  Awkward Matthew acts like he knows everything and the judges are just being mean.  Alex describes Awkward Matthew as being like riding a bull at the rodeo...apparently that's one of the guys in the lineup that she doesn't want to ride today!  Awkward Matthew's cocky smile when it looks like Mama Sita is being sent home gets Giada to change her mind, and the judges decide to send him home.  Confidence will get you far, but cockiness will get you an express ticket home, even ahead of Emilia.

Tune in next week to see who's a king and who chokes worse than Joffrey.

Food Network Star is back! 6/7/15

Well, the first thing we see is that Giada's dresses are getting even more revealing this season!  Next we see one person calling the studio more amazing than childbirth and another who looks like he's the only one who thinks he's fashionable.  We have 3 food truck owners so far, including one with stage fright.

We start with the challenge to introduce yourself and your point of view in 30 seconds.  We start with a Jersey Italian girl who Mike thinks looks straight outta Goodfellas.  Our "fashion plate" doubles as a drag queen and used to be a professional figure skater.  I'm sorry, didn't we already try that with What Would Brian Boitano Cook?  We have Italian soul food from Mamma Sita, and Lenny Part II describing himself as a "big Southern teddy bear."  We have an Armenian woman married to a Venezuelan man...Mike says, "Just because you're Latin by injection does not mean you know how to cook arepas."  Mr. Stage Fright has a mac and cheese food truck in Staten Island.  Eddie and his muscles used to play for the Dolphins, and oh, yeah, he has a Caribbean food truck.  Emelia is described by one of the other contestants as Stepford.  Christina thinks she has an edge because she can cook all kinds of food...how does that set her apart again?  And then she wants to ignore the advice of the coaches...there's a winning strategy right there, sweetheart.  Matthew is like a little manic squirrel that has been snarking on everyone else.  Yes, I am, too, but I don't have 11 other people that I'm competing with!  Rue looks a lot more mature and put together than Rue from Hunger Games (as much as I loved her).  She takes less than 30 seconds, but South African cuisine is certainly something new for Food Network.  Someone else wants to take the crown of Sandwich King.  Yes, Jeff Mauro's not wearing it anymore, but that's probably because it didn't make a lasting show.

Now they get to make a video doing the same thing...yay for a second chance.  Let's see who listens to feedback and who doesn't.  They also get to cook for a Food Network Star Food Festival...and Bob and Susie.  I do miss when they were on as regular judges.  Christina can't cut her green papaya on the mandoline and is getting flustered.  It's been nice knowing ya, sweetie.

Time to taste the food and see the videos!  Mr. Sandwich has a comeback on his video, but then his food destroys it.  Ms. Goodfellas was busting out of her rice ball.  Rue needs to learn that if you say you have a charming personality, you usually don't.  Her shrimp is incredible, though...I'm jealous I didn't get to eat it!!  Brian Boitano muddled his message but had a lovely plate that got rave reviews.  Emilia tries to tell you that she is racy...that never goes over well.  Her food is good, but not great.  Lenny Jr. has an engaging and funny video and a delicious but spicy bite.  Mr. Stage Fright shows it BADLY in his video, but Giada gives his Italian food the thumbs up.  Michelle the Mom needs her video to be more interesting, but her food is pretty good.  Eddie Football has the drag queen licking his lips but isn't very clear in his POV.  His shrimp is very good, but doesn't seems to follow his POV.  Christina offers a tasty ride...I'm sure a lot of people would like to take her up on that, but she didn't personalize that enough for the judges.  Her food isn't just badly cut, it's bland.  Mamma Sita rocks her video, but not her dish...it gets described as tasting like it was made with an instant packet.  Matthew looks more like a magician than a Food Network star.  Bobby says WTF after his video and is surprised that his food is actually good.

Evaluation time: Your top three are Lenny Jr., Eddie Football, and the drag queen.  We are surprised that Emilia is also safe, leaving Manic Squirrel, Stage Fright, and Christina.  Michelle the Mom tries to get all mothery with Manic Squirrel, who shoots her down because he obviously knows everything.  We'll see if he starts to listen, because he and Stage Fright get another chance while Christina goes home.  I guess no one else wanted to get on her tasty ride.

So that's it for tonight, SnarkFolks!  We'll see you next week for Adventures in Foodiesitting.

Worst Cooks in America - 1/25/15

Here at SnarkFood, our studio feed has been interrupted by our apartment complex changing cable providers.  We will see if either of the two missed episodes gets re-aired for us to snark, but in the meantime here is tonight's episode!   When we last left Monica, she had just found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her with the daughter she gave up for adoption 20 years ago but that he is NOT the father of the baby the daughter is carrying...oh, wait...wrong type of messy.  On to the "cooking" for tonight...

In the recap, we learn that last week was a bad night for Mikes, Stripper Girl wins everything, but Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man won a challenge last week as well.  Leading up to the Super Bowl, we look at game day food and the contestants (who I just almost called clients) discuss what their Super Bowel specials had been before this show.  Not-Bobby is making honey-habanero wings.  G Spot says that she eats wings twice a week.  Twice a...week...sure....  Anne is doing a fish po-boy, and her team is both amazed that fish have spines and disgusted with the dismantling process.  Not-Bobby says to use half of a habanero.  How many of them will use the whole thing?  Sarah is revolted at the idea of condiments...must be because there's no wine in them.  The po-boy is described as tasting like Nawlins...it tastes like urine and daquiris in the streets?

Stripper Girl shows herself to be good at giving the knife and the fish skin a little wiggle.  Is that her trademark move?  Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man has mangled his fish worse than a Great White.  Kortni put honey on her wings before frying...hoping that doesn't burn in the fryer!  She does not burn the kitchen down, which is an improvement over her performance before the show.  Stripper Girl remembers to put the beer into the batter but forgets to put the batter on the fish...I guess the fish doesn't need to get drunk today.  Mike thinks the fish needs to get drunk to put up with this treatment.  She says she's going to get it all gooey and make her daddy proud.  Daddy issues, anyone?

Dave finishes off the last swallow of beer in the bottle and asks if they can make vodka sauce next.  Sorry, the role of Drunk Contestant has already been taken.  Sarah wants to have Game Day in Chef Tyler's mouth.  I'm sure G-Spot will be glad to be in that competition!  Kortni wants to pour more sauce on her wings to make them look more brown.  Because drowning is always a great idea.  Does she also like to marinate in perfume?

Tasting...time for the party in Not-Bobby's mouth!  Well, time for the party in Anne's mouth first, and the guys and Kristen line right up.  Apparently one gulp of beer was one gulp more than Dave should have had, because his "interpretation" of a po-boy makes Anne facepalm.  Sarah has overcome her fear of white creamy substances and looks at expanding the ways she can entertain in her house.  G-Spot does get to host a party in Not-Bobby's mouth as he goes back for seconds.  Kortni learns that she can burn something on the outside while leaving it raw on the inside.  At judgment, Kristen learns that she wins and wants to take that and compete with Daddy.  Dave and Kortni are at the bottom after this round.

For the second round, we learn that the contestants will be making pasta.  How many of their offerings will be suitable for mob weapons?  Ooh, but there's a twist.  Not-Bobby wheels out a tray of squid and tells the contestants that they are making squid ink pasta.  Kortni thinks that squid ink is like their pee.  Honey, if your pee is black, you need to call a doctor!  All I can say is, at least you know the squid is real.  Someone had on a judge show when I was around where the defendant was saying it's normal for restaurant calamari to actually be "imitation calamari" made from hog anus.  I'm not sure I ever want to have calamari again unless I get to shake the tentacle of the donor squid myself!!

Not-Bobby teaches the contestants about Squid Anatomy, the newest prime time show on ABC.  David knows that a pound has 16 ounces and says "I'm not an idiot."  Um, that's debatable.  Not-Bobby is filling a huge ravioli with squid tentacles and ham hocks to make the Jewish Nightmare Special.  Anne wants to make pasta into a religious experience as she marries the pasta and the sauce, and then she consummates the marriage with oil.  Always use lube!  She's making Not-Bobby a little uncomfortable in a way that G-Spot hasn't been able to do so far.  Give her time, my friends.  Speaking of friends, Sarah named all of the squid after guys.  If all of the guys in her life are limp and slimy, no wonder she drinks!  Kristen gets squirted, but as we pause for me to write this, the frozen frame shows that her squid missed the money shot.

As the red team makes the pasta, Anne wants her team to get on top of it and grunt.  Only if you use lube, though, folks!  The teams have been told to make a well in their flour, but Kortni's making crop circles in the flour on her board.  And Dave looks like the alien to land in it, since his hands have been replaced by black goo.  He may have been on top of it and grunting, but if it's black that's still a trip to the doctor.  Kortni forgot her squid ink, and adding it in late makes it look like she's trying to drizzle the top of it and make marbled cake.  Dave forgot to put flour between his pasta sheets and ended up with something that looked like Truck Balls.  Sarah stuffs her ravioli like fat guy on Thanksgiving and they're busting out of their sweatpants.

Judgment: Not-Bobby thinks what G-Spot's offering is too hot for him, but she thinks he should just be able to take it from her.  He thinks Kortni's naked raviolo is beautiful but would prefer it be covered.  Guess he really is modest.  Kortni finally goes home for poor clock management, and David goes home to make his teddy bear meatloaf from fresh ingredients instead of prepackaged ones.

And now, sweet world, good night.  See you next week on Days of our Kitchens as our contestants try to keep from sending the judges to General Hospital.

The Return of SnarkFood - Worst Cooks in America

I've been meaning to revive SnarkFood, and the revival of Worst Cooks in America seemed like a good time, especially since Lil tagged me in a FB status about it.  So, without further ado, let the snarking recommence!

With this season, we see Tyler Florence take Bobby's role as Male Celebrity Chef Not As Blonde As Anne Burrell.  We will see his patience and his gag reflex tested to the utmost in this introductory episode. But even before that we see him wanting to hire the pole dancer while Anne considers the Shirtless Surfer Boy.

As the finalists enter the kitchen, we see Christina thinking that the stoves are attacking her.  Um, yeah, honey.  Being a therapist, I'm just going to leave that one alone and let others comment.  Performance Artist Leo wants his hair to have sex with Anne's.  Judging by the way he's prancing around later, he'd rather the rest of him have Tyler instead.

We open up with the task to make your own signature dish.  One contestant can't tell potatoes from onions, while Christina is looking for goose fat.  Goose fat?? Really???  Figure that everyone on this show is as silly as a goose, pick a neighbor, and start harvesting.  But instead, she picks gummy bears.  Because of course they taste like goose fat.  Maybe after too many Rummy Bears you can't tell the difference?  And then she starts trying to cut the gummy bears with a knife that still has a sheath on it.  When corrected, she uses the back of the knife.  Ambulance on standby, check.

Rachel Ray once described meatloaf mix as "cute little farm animals all ground up," but David really wants to take that to the extreme, shaping his meatloaf like a teddy bear.  Six wants to be the Neil Patrick Harris of food, saying that he wants to make things that look like one thing and taste like something else, but that they never turn out tasting good.  Mike's response: "So you should make something that looks like poop, then it will actually taste good!"

Wait, when people said someone microwaved a baked potato in a plastic bag, I thought it was by accident!! No, that's Kortni's specialty.  Sarah's specialty seems to be talking like Julia Child as she drinks Chef Juice from a ladle.  It's one thing when Amy Adams does it.  You, Sarah, are no Amy Adams.  Mike: "First, you must shove the chicken up your ass.  You debone it by boning it."  </Julia Child voice>  Genique likes this idea, as she wishes she could say her cooking is like a G-spot.  Her cooking does seem to be hard to find, but what's not hard to find is the piece of paper in the pan with her chicken.  Jason's Criss Cross Applesauce makes us want to Jump, Jump out of the window, as he's crossing applesauce with mashed potatoes.

And now, it's time for tasting,  Yummy!  Kortni thinks she learned to microwave potatoes in a bag from Tyler.  Not quite, honeybun.  And now we see what Christina wanted the goose fat for.  Matzo Bear Gummy Ball Gazpacho.  I just have no words beyond that.  She seems to leave me speechless a lot so far.  Tyler says it best on the wine burgers: "I'm not sure what kind of animal that is, but it has clearly been through the wringer."

Draft day!  Pole dancer Kristen actually gets picked first by Anne.  Tyler likes Sarah Child's nude pasta with clam sauce,  At least she's not the one trying to get in his pants.  Leo's hair gets to play with Anne's until elimination time.  Kortni is the last kid picked for the team, getting inflicted on Tyler.

All right, let's see who can pretend to learn and who shows they are too dumb even for that.  Date night dinner with sex foods!  Kristin doesn't think oysters taste like love at all, which makes us wonder if that's not the first time she's said that about something salty.  Tyler's team is making chateaubriand, and Kortni learns for the first time that filet mignon is not a fish.  Will we start seeing signs in Atlanta saying "EAT MOR GHOTI"?  Well, maybe not, the cows clearly aren't linguists.  Anne's team is making chicken with Israeli couscous and a special boiling dance.  OMG, Tyler's mushrooms are making me swoon on the couch.  WANT. RIGHT. NOW.  The mushrooms, not Tyler.

While I get over my foodgasm, the contestants try their hand at the recipe.  Kortni peels her fingernail along with the potato.  At least there's no blood that way?  Anne and Christina shake what their mamas gave them, but then she tries to add backwash to her couscous and has to start that step over.  When they show the contestants meeting and seeing their townhouse, we learn that Sarah Child must still be a college student.  No couch, no kitchen table.  Does she eat sitting on her bed?  Either way, she actually makes the best chateaubriand before showing that she's got nothing but a couple of butterflies floating around in her head.  One of Anne's contestants has salty (couscous) balls.

Christina goes home on the red side, and she asks whether she can say goodbye to her workstation.  I'm going to miss having her for snark fodder.  Kortni is in the bottom two for the blue team but lives to microwave another day.

Next week is knife skills.  Hope that ambulance is still on standby.  See you then, marshmallows!