I told you...

 by a-sexy-robot on F*ck Yeah Guy Fieri

...that I was here to comment on Guy Fieri's (and Anne Burrell's) hair.

Don't they look like they were separated at birth or something?
Yeah, yeah... easy joke....

Rrrrowr...

I don't know if John Q. Foodblogger is Jon Eick's or Sam's doing, but this cartoon is a recurring series on the food blog So Good. I saw this highly-inappropriate cartoon sometime last week...

I don't know what the 'code' would be were the genders reversed:  Bobby Flay's "swagger"? Well...Kechara did report to me several recent references to Bobby Flay sans pants...

Let's George Takei's commentary on this one, shall we?

Oh, My....

see more Memebase and check out our Troll Face lols! - Hat Tip: Buckeye Blue Devil

I can only imagine where things go from here. That poor unfortunate soul...

Only the Beginning... (Run Away, Run Away!)

Hello!  I'm A. Random Hapa, and I'm here to comment on Guy Fieri's hair. Hey...doesn't Anne Burrell have almost the same 'do?!

A little more seriously: I'm a 30-something librarian who likes to take shots of food, primarily on this blog.... I'm hoping to post on our common foodventures and funny little tidbits I (or others) find on the web. I may eventually get on the Chef Ramsay beat, since I don't have cable. I feel I'm a little less snarky than my co-conspirators, but I hope to give a feast for the eyes... and the funny bone. Or try a little goofiness now and again...

I also seem to like ellipses...

Hell's Kitchen 7/18/11

Ah, Hell's Kitchen, you are always good for a Snark! Let's see what 18 new chefs give us to laugh about. I'm settling down for adventure with my Diet Coke and my favorite pizza in the world.

First of all, I REALLY miss JP!! James isn't bad, but JP is awesome! Carrie's already putting a target on her back by talking on the bus about how hot she is. I'm going to need to do some research, because I swear I've seen Will on another show, maybe Throwdown? Ramsay starts the show with another mindfuck, making it seem like they're playing to a packed house at the Orpheum and then giving them an empty auditorium. We learn that the prize restaurant is in NYC and this season's opening credits have a pinball theme. I always love watching the credits, although I'm getting sick of the bit with the designated Hot Girl blowing a kiss of flames.

Byko says:
1. Jason appears to be some sort of Mario Batali lookalike. That said, I didn't really see him much in any of the preview clips at the beginning, so maybe he doesn't last too long?
2. Jason, Natalie, and Carrie are all talking smack on the bus. $5 says that all three of them are gone by the halfway point of the season.
3. So, if the Masterchef prize is $250,000 and the Hell's Kitchen prize is a $250,000 salary, can we just have the two winners face off at the end, winner take all? Because I bet that would actually be a close call.
And finally, has there ever been a chef that blows a kiss in the intro that has lasted more than two or three episodes? Carrie, you're officially on notice. That said, based on the intro alone, Amanda looks like a leading contender.

My first impression as they're making their signature dish is that Monterray's a little too belligerant already. Yes, you're right that you don't need to cut anyone else a break, but in any kitchen you need to give your fellow cooks enough room that you don't elbow them! Carrie's not the only one to put sugar in mashed potatoes, so get off your high horse Gina. Apparently it was too much sugar, though, since Ramsay spit it out. (Byko: "So, does this mean I can keep the sugar in my mashed potatoes? At least I haven't seen you spit them out.") Branden, shouldn't your signature dish be something YOU came up with? Steven, how can you screw up the HK basics of scallops and risotto before the first dinner service even starts?? Why is everyone looking down on tacos? They may be "pedestrian," but so are plenty of other things that good chefs make delicious!

Byko: Steven, Gina and Jamie--have y'all ever seen HK before? There are three basic things you MUST be able to do in order to last long: cook scallops, cook lamb, and make a risotto. And Steven, what the heck was that on the plate? Risotto? I think with your dish, you discovered something new: a new disease that's closely related to chicken pox. And chicken pox on a plate is NOT something I want to see on any menu anytime soon!

Ramsay gets more creative with his insults: "You're so full of shit your eyes are brown"

The guys get to go to LA Market and meet Nona. I was so happy to see her win last year! The girls get to clean the kitchen and Elise needs to get over herself. If you've ever watched this show, you know that you win as a team and you lose as a team. Sometime I'd like to try those Henckel knives. I love my Calphalon knives enough that I take them on vacation with me if I think I'll be cooking! Jason needs the medic during prep...I hope we don't have another one learn about heart problems on the show. Turns out he needs bed rest and won't be coming back. Too bad, I would have liked to see him cook. (Byko: Well, I guess that explains why we didn't see much of him in the previews!)

During a commercial break, we learn that Kitchen Nightmares is casting in the Baltimore/DC area...that'll be interesting to see. In other commercials, I'm not sure I would buy old seasons of HK on DVD.

Byko: According to our announcer, "Tonight, Hell's Kitchen is once again the place to be in Los Angeles." Um, not in week 1 it isn't (unless you're anorexic)!

Ooh, I would love that birds' eye view of the kitchen, almost as much as I'd like to sit at a chef's table sometime. I like Carrie's efforts at communication, but I'd be interested to know if Elise wasn't communicating on purpose or by mistake. Steven's too much of an eager beaver, and he and Elise are showing their egos right away. So far, despite her poor signature dish, Krupa is shining in dinner service. The men have 3 guys sitting out after losing Jason to the DL...how many will the Blue team be down by the end of the night? Carrie, that's too much liquid in the pan for sauteeing scallops...apparently the girls also have issues with the fish station. Jonathan, it's great that you cooked a Wellington perfectly the first time ever! The question I have for you, though, is why didn't you practice ahead of time? It's always on the menu! Elise, you're not making friends with your team or with Ramsay by trying to take over. Let's see if some time sitting out cools you off.

Byko: Yeah, props to Carrie for standing up for herself and her station and pushing back against Elise--I don't think I've seen anyone do that before, though we've seen a number of chefs in seasons past get bullied off their stations and then get bullied by Ramsey! Other random thoughts: nice to see something new on the menu (even if squab is about as unsexy as it can get), Monterray's early mistake on garnish is at least a new one, and that first risotto did look exactly like rice pudding (even if I thought it looked like oatmeal at first), so that wasn't an actual insult from Ramsey there!
Chino just looks confused in the kitchen, particularly with his mouth always open, and Tommy, you really don't need to go to the Chino School of Clueless Looking Facial Expressions.
Steven, do you have ANY clue what a good scallop looks like? Because albino isn't it!

Uh oh, people are walking out before even giving Ramsay a chance to shut the kitchen down. He shuts down both kitchens barely into the entrees, and the boys are sniping at each other in evaluation, trying to prove who has more balls. As often happens, it's the worst opening dinner service ever. The more I see him, the more Steven reminds me of the stereotype of a 70's porn star. I am quite glad to see his back; now I just can't wait to get rid of Elise.

Byko: Steven, I'd say you have entusiasm, at least. Granted, it may be only 2 ounces worth, and it may be misplaced, but at least it's there. But this is Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher! You can clean the pans after you lose the team challenge next week! Can you show me just ONE actual redeeming quality you have on the cooking side of the kitchen?
Brendan, for crying out loud, you jackhole, take your lumps like a f***ing man! You blew it when Paul and Jonathon were somehow able to rip off wellingtons left and right, so just fess up!
Monterray, saying that you're better than one of the worst isn't exactly selling yourself. You won't be around long with defenses like that. And Chino, you're damn lucky to still be around after basically admitting you're in over your head!
All that said, getting rid of Steven was the right call: between being wholly incompetent on service and serving chicken pox on a plate as a signature dish, he wouldn't come anywhere close to even getting a Masterchef apron. So now, congratulations Steven: you can go jump in the oven just like Ramsey wants you to, even if you look nothing like Sylvia Plath!
So far, at least the women who bombed the signature dish challenge (Krupa and Carrie, at least) proved themselves during service. Brendan, Chino, Monterray, and Tommy, you all have NO chance next to Will, Paul, and even Jonathon (who will definitely be exposed when we get passed the competency half of the season and get to the second half, focusing on creativity).

Is that someone rooting around in the trash in the preview for next week?

Byko: It sure looks like it. And at least this time, it's not Rupert Murdoch. Good night!

Food Network Star 7/3/11

At least tonight I don't have a cat on my notes, even if I do have one on my lap!

Before we get to the challenges on 7/3, we see a few scenes at the house.  Whitney is having a crisis of confidence and discusses it with her mother, who gives her the advice to be herself and "just enjoy every single minute of every single day."  Penny rants about how the girls don't like her while Dave says, "Uh, hello, paranoia? It's for you."  This continues later in the episode, and Jyll points out to Penny some of the behaviors that are alienating her from the others.  I find it rather amusing that Penny's complaining about all the drama when she's the one causing it!  Don't complain about the alienation if you're not willing to do anything to get along with other people.

The Camera Challenge is to film segments of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.  This might be the first Camera Challenge since the show format split like that to not have a cooking-based Camera Challenge and to not announce a winner before the Star Challenge.  As the segments are described, Dave initially thinks, "Oh, please, give me the opening!  Or at least not interviewing the server."  Then he hears the time limits and says, "Geez, 15 seconds.  On second thought, I'll interview a chef, please!"

Susie has the opening segment and immediately earns a personal foul for inappropriate use of the hands - too much gesturing.  Chris starts out his interview bouncing like a bobblehead, and Guy seems like he teaches a lot more and a lot more effectively than most of the other stars who appear on the show.  When interviewing the owner, Mary Beth is way too stiff and Orchid thinks that this task doesn't have anything to do with food.  It's all about food, honey, you just need to find the connection.  Justin D tries to act like Guy when Guy encourages him to show more personality. During one of the takes, Guy says to him, "You've got 4 seconds left, what are you going to do with it?"  My thought: "Put in another double-negative?"

Penny keeps bringing the focus to herself during her interview of Piper the waitress, continually interrupting and asking about what she wants to talk about, and one of the other competitors points out that "Penny doesn't care about highlighting anyone but Penny."  She says afterwards that, "I feel like the interview with Piper didn't go the way I wanted [it] to."  Dave replies, "Why? Because it wasn't about you? You can't interview yourself!"

Star Challenge: Creative All-American Foods, as sponsored by MGD 64.
Dave's response: "Let's see how well we can lie about MGD 64 being our friend."

Chris doesn't look like he bought enough shrimp to feed 150, but we'll see.  I like Jeff's use of the beer, but I don't think Mary Beth's dish is unique enough.  Jyll should know by now that even if you're not used to a certain cuisine, you can't ask others for advice on an individual challenge!  Orchid hopes her brisket will magically become tender with just 2 hours of cooking.  I doubt that'll work any better than my magic therapy wand.

As we get to the food festival, the competitors learn that they will be the entertainment as they each demo their dish.  Susie's back among the judges this week, and Dave is glad to see it, "not that I minded looking at Giada last week!"

As Susie starts her demo, she makes us both nervous as she stands in front of the table talking rather than cooking.  She does finish on time, without even looking like she is hurrying.  Jeff plays around with a guitar and jumps off of the stage at the end.  From Dave: "Really, Jeff, again? You're gonna go big, ball of fire and all that? You're gonna get burned one day, son."  To me, Jeff looks like he's had too much MGD 64.  And why start out making us look at your butt?  Vic starts and ends well, but Dave points out that, "I think Vic missed an opportunity in the middle, where he could have answered my question of, 'What's an aioli?'"  Whitney makes her own ketchup, and Dave likes.  "What a nice, easy-to-demonstrate thing to present.  Now I want to make my own ketchup at home!"

Thanks to Mary Beth's presentation, we now have 2 episodes in a row with a mention of the idea of Bobby without pants on!  Maybe that's what Food Network Nighttime really ought to be!!  Dave wonders whether this episode was originally filmed on No Pants Day.

Before evaluation, Jyll has a solo moment on camera where she talks about her dish and the other competitors.  I'm getting sick of the "I didn't want to compete" line from her.  Also, Jyll, it's not up to you to judge other people's motives.

Given the yelling between the women, it looks like the competitors listen when they're told not to hold back during evaluation!  Justin D explains the problems with showing his personality by saying that he's a private person.  If you're a private person, why do you want to be on tv?  Penny complains about not feeling cared for, but honey, this isn't the place to find love!  (Or sex, for that matter...we are ALL glad you got off of the sex in the kitchen kick.)  Aside from the judges telling Penny that she had 2 bad performances, there was no real mention of the camera challenge at all during evaluation.  It was almost like it had never happened!

So, Dave, what do you think about Susie telling Chris that, "We want to see more of you"?  "For an episode and a half, I haven't said, 'Chris, get off my tv.'  I think he's really taken the comments to heart, and even though I'm not big on his antics and actions in the kitchen and the frat boy stuff he still does there, when he's in front of the judges or the public, he looks a LOT better."

We'll see when Dave and I are able to watch and blog about the episode on 7/10, given that we'll be on vacation at the time.

Food Network Star 6/26/11

Last night, Dave and I watched the last 2 episodes of Food Network Star.  Since he's working extra hours this week, I'll be posting his comments as well as mine again.

Camera Challenge: Bite-Sized Kelloggs with Michael Symon

Susie has a crush on Michael, and Vic might as well be looking in a mirror, with them sharing what Michael calls "caveman good looks."  Chris was more natural than ever...quite the turnaround!  We'll see how long it lasts.  I was impressed with both Whitney and Vic as they used a bare pantry as an explanation for them using the Kelloggs products in their bites.  Jyll did an effective job of explaining why her bite is so good; this has been a camera challenge in past seasons.

That was the good (mostly), now for the bad and the ugly.  Justin D needs to learn to enunciate, as it sounds like he is saying his bite tastes like human.  Oh, you actually said cumin!  Darn it, I was hoping to learn what Soylent Green actually tastes like.  Justin B has almost a monotone.  He is praised for his food but asked if he can communicate it to a viewer; Dave responds, "No! We already know that!"  Jeff tells us that he wants to make the Iron Chef laugh...uh oh.  It appears my premonition was right; he makes a joke about All-Bran keeping you regular.  Didn't we learn from Corissa in Season 2 not to discuss bodily functions on camera?

Star Challenge: Cooking for Cougartown

Penny likes the idea of this even more than Chris does!  "Being a cougar myself..."  Dave: "Do you REALLY want to admit that on tv??"  Jyll embraces the challenge (for her) of vegetarian "cooking," saying she doesn't want to be seen as a one-trick pony.  I'm glad she sees the danger of that; it's good for her ability to stay to the end.  What's not good for her staying power is making a salad for vegetarians.

As we get to shopping, Chris thinks he's focused.  We'll see.  If nothing else, Chris, haven't you learned from other shows that stuff never thaws when you think it will??  As Justin D can't find the ingredients he wants, he gets flustered and gets 2 bags of quinoa instead of 10 for (I think) Whitney's stuffed peppers.  Jeff can't find any ground meat for his lettuce wraps and decides at the last minute to go with tofu, saying, "I'll do something outrageous and either rise to the top or go down in flames."  Dave tells Jeff that he can't afford to go down in flames, and I reply that he hasn't really been rising to the top either.

When they're hanging out at the house at night, Chris goes raccoon hunting and Vic throws a pool float at him, saying, "Don't mess with my friend the raccoon!"  No wonder you're friends, you're both striped!  The next morning arrives, and Susie's practicing in front of the mirror.  Dave reminds her that it can't be over-rehearsed (because of course, they can all hear the advice he and I give!). 

Orchid has a method for calming Chris, saying "Code Blue" when he gets out of hand.  Unfortunately for Dave, she's not always there.  "Chris, did you just call her the Orchinator? Seriously?  Again, get off my tv!"  While the camera is on Chris and Orchid, I am wondering who left a box in the middle of the kitchen floor.  The spice rub Chris put on the lamb looks good enough to tempt me, and I don't even like lamb!  Predictably, though, the lamb is not thawed.

Whitney shows a great deal of insight as she points out that Justin D's original plan seems to be haunting him/  Jeff notes that he's having second thoughts on what he's making, and Dave says, "You never had first thoughts on what you're making!"  Justin B says that he's looking at the Israeli couscous under his tuna as a texture piece rather than for smack-you-in-the-face flavor.  Problem is, on this show, you need smack-you-in-the-face flavor. 

They get ready to go to the set, and Paula Deen comes on as the surprise guest.  She gets called the Ultimate Cougar, and Dave and I debate this.  One the one hand, she is married to a guy her age, but on the other, she does like to flirt with younger guys...just ask Tim Hudson!  She also likes flirting with Bobby, between Paula's Party and this episode.  Paula tells the competitors, "Don't edit yourself.  That's what the edit room's for."  Uh oh.  Dave says, "Let's edit that, Paula. You mean don't edit your energy, right?  Because everybody already has plenty else to edit."  I shudder to think what Chris will make of that advice.  Dave replies, "At least radio host and know-nothing Howie isn't with us."  As they go to the set, the advantage of this being a written media is that y'all didn't have to hear Dave sing, "Won't you take me to Cougartown."

The mojo-collecting headband doesn't seem to be helping Jeff much as he tries to sell his group on the tofu, which is too bad since it turns out to be really good.  Justin B says during presentation that the couscous may be a little bland.  Dave: "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? YOU MORON!"  He then adds, "Casting called.  Justin B, you've been traded to Top Chef...for 3 boxes of red onions."  I ask, "How about for 8 more bags of quinoa?"  Dave: "I guess that would be small enough to carry back to the wagon."  OK, so we've played too much Oregon Trail over the years.  Justin B also offers white balsamic to wake up the dish.  If it would wake up the dish, why didn't you make it part of the dish for everyone?

I expected Chris to be the one to screw up the plan for the presentation, not Orchid, but she got all starstruck.  Bobby says about Chris that "today he didn't do anything ridiculous."  Justin D gets called a sexy Harry Potter Chef.  Really??

Penny's claws come back out in the evaluation.  Dave asks if they ever went in, but she did hide them for much of this episode as she and Mary Beth played nice.  We see that Jeff's gamble paid off and that he did actually rise to the top.  Giada says to Justin B that, "We've seen glimmers of a personality that we like, but you're not moving fast enough."  Dave, having absorbed some degree of Terp-ness from me: "Diamondback terrapins move faster!"  Across JFK runway they do!

I was going to post our reactions to the episode from 7/3 tonight, but I was delayed by an 18 pound cat on my notes.  So instead, you'll have to wait till tomorrow night.  Ciao!

Food Network Star 6/19/11

I'm posting the comments from both myself and Dave, since Dave is out of town.  I know I'm an episode behind, but we just watched this episode on Wednesday and it seemed like a good one to start with.


So, our fearless (except for Alicia) contestants enter a new day of competition having lost two players instead of one in the last episode.  Their Camera Challenge is using chocolate candies of different sorts in savory entrees.  Our first reaction: Susie plus mole should equal WIN, but will it?  In the end it does, but not as much as Jyll's coconut shrimp, which wins her the right to choose her team for the Star Challenge.  We also learn that Jeff has a mojo-collecting headband to avoid sweating into his food like he did in the last episode.

Between the challenges, Chris tries to help another player (Vic, I believe) to regroup for the Star Challenge, saying, "Just get pissed off and do better."  I generally think Chris is an idiot, but he actually gave some good advice there.

For the Star Challenge, Duff and Robert Irvine challenge teams to make desserts, with 2 collective desserts per team and one dessert per person.  Robert directs his team to create over-the-top impossible desserts with interesting flavor combinations.  Duff, channeling the little boy inside of him as usual, directs his team to create sophisticated desserts that a 6-year-old would love.  Jyll gets to choose not only her team, but which challenge her team will face.  Jyll takes Duff's challenge and picks all of the girls except Penny, leaving her and the boys on the other team and creating the teams I then called Queen Bees and Wannabes.

The Queen Bees and the Wannabes end up with vastly different leadership styles between them that highlight the differences often seen between men and women on teams.  The Queen Bees fall into a collaborative pattern where they each add to the ideas and focus on how much fun they had together.  This works well in terms of coming up with ideas, but not as well in the kitchen, where Orchid and others feel that leadership is lacking.  The Wannabes, on the other hand, struggle some over who is the leader.  Chris tries to take charge and be everywhere and doing everything, but Justin B and others on the team have the attitude of, "He may think he's the leader, but I don't care what he says."  Chris is in the middle of everything and not doing a good job of keeping ANYTHING clean or making his food or his contribution to the collaborative dish.  When Chef Robert comes in and sees the kitchen, he fires Chris from the leadership role.  Robert gets called "the swift hammer of justice" here, which is amusing given that on Dinner: Impossible he tries to avoid the swift hammer of justice by completing his tasks!  The team nominates Justin B, who shows a very different leadership style, coordinating tasks rather than being in the middle of all of them.  Figures that I'd end up talking about leadership on the first real post, when the main contributors so far are an advisory chair, a section chair, and the national president of a service fraternity that has leadership as a cardinal principle.  I guess I never really end up getting that far away from APO no matter what I do!

Dave had a couple of priceless comments about the desserts that people made.  Although they ended up as pancakes due to a lack of frying oil, Susie originally tried to make churros.  This led to Dave saying that we would have "a little Benicio del Churro action" on the Duff team.  Also, when Robert came to inspect the Wannabes, he asks Chris what's impossible about his dish.  Dave, speaking as Chris: "What's impossible is that I don't have the skill to pull it off."

The teams go back home to destress before the evaluation, and the girls use an ingredient that Dave finds inferior.  "Box wine?  Seriously?  I don't care if it's for sangria!"

During the evaluation, the Wannabes win and are all safe for that week.  Dave's reaction to this: "Well, Chris, you got lucky.  Your team bailed you out.  And now I have to look at you on my tv for another week."  Justin B is criticized again for his lack of personality, and Bob tells him, "I'm waiting for you to come out of your shell.  Is that something you want to do?"  Dave replies for Justin, "No."  I think Dave's right, looking at the look on his face when Bob asked that.

During the evaluation of the Queen Bees, Dave thinks that Susie is being unfair in saying that she doesn't see Orchid growing as a competitor.  "Susie wants to see her growing, but how can she grow when she's already so good?"  My response was that, for the people that survive to the end, this is the ultimate training program.  Orchid does still have some weaknesses (canned oysters, anyone?), and Susie would like to see her work on them.  Dave: "Being the frontrunner in the beginning is dangerous!  Then again, it did work well for Aarti last season."

When they evaluate Jyll, the Big Three criticize her lack of leadership in the Star Challenge, reminding her of what she has said in the past about not being competitive and asking whether she has the desire to win.  Jyll defends this by essentially saying that she does not want to be like Penny in the last episode.  Dave: "See, now Jyll starts to get it...or not.  She really doesn't want to be cut-throat.  Cut-throat is digging through the trash and seeing all your competitors' food in there.  Competitive is wanting to win but doing it graciously...enough.  Maybe she doesn't have that at all."

In the end, Alicia goes home and tears up again.  I know that if I were ever on the show (not that it's likely to happen, but a girl can dream, right?), I'd have problems with self-confidence and tearing up too easily.  The ultimate question is, would I end up like Aarti or Alicia?

At the end, we have the group preparing for the next week, a little commercial clip with Jyll, and scenes from 6/26.  Chris says he's going to do better next time, and Dave says, "Chris, didn't you say that same thing last week?  Please, Chris, go the f*&% to sleep!!."  As Jyll repeats words too many times in her clip, Dave decides, "Jyll, I'm starting to love love love you a little less less less."  We learn that the next week involves cooking for the cast of Cougar Town, a frat boy's dream, and Dave asks, "Hey, Chris, think you can handle it?"

As soon as we or any other authors get a chance to watch the episode from 6/26, we'll put up a new post.  Until next time, boys and girls!

The Start of Something Snarky

When my husband, Dave, and I watch food shows, particularly food competition shows, our conversation tends to be a combination of playing along and cracking on the contestants.  When we watch Chopped, we pause the tv after the baskets are opened and figure out what we would make with the chosen ingredients.  When we watch Best Thing I Ever Ate, we note what we would choose for each category.  When we watch Hell's Kitchen, we wonder who would come on the show not knowing how to successfully cook scallops or make a risotto.  I had the idea recently to add a few more personalities and turn this banter into a blog.

So here's how this will work: Whichever author is the first to watch a show will post their reactions, and the other authors that watch that episode will edit the post to add their opinions WITHOUT changing or deleting anything written by another author.  Readers are welcome to comment with their opinions, and authors who have not seen the episode will add any opinions through the comments rather than adding to the post.  For both readers and commenters, please no spoilers about future episodes if you have seen them.  I'm one of those people who sometimes had several episodes backed up on the TiVo, and I want people like me to be able to read the post about the episode they've seen without getting the ones they haven't spoiled for them.

So, ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the snark!