Here at SnarkFood, our studio feed has been interrupted by our apartment complex changing cable providers. We will see if either of the two missed episodes gets re-aired for us to snark, but in the meantime here is tonight's episode! When we last left Monica, she had just found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her with the daughter she gave up for adoption 20 years ago but that he is NOT the father of the baby the daughter is carrying...oh, wait...wrong type of messy. On to the "cooking" for tonight...
In the recap, we learn that last week was a bad night for Mikes, Stripper Girl wins everything, but Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man won a challenge last week as well. Leading up to the Super Bowl, we look at game day food and the contestants (who I just almost called clients) discuss what their Super Bowel specials had been before this show. Not-Bobby is making honey-habanero wings. G Spot says that she eats wings twice a week. Twice a...week...sure.... Anne is doing a fish po-boy, and her team is both amazed that fish have spines and disgusted with the dismantling process. Not-Bobby says to use half of a habanero. How many of them will use the whole thing? Sarah is revolted at the idea of condiments...must be because there's no wine in them. The po-boy is described as tasting like Nawlins...it tastes like urine and daquiris in the streets?
Stripper Girl shows herself to be good at giving the knife and the fish skin a little wiggle. Is that her trademark move? Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man has mangled his fish worse than a Great White. Kortni put honey on her wings before frying...hoping that doesn't burn in the fryer! She does not burn the kitchen down, which is an improvement over her performance before the show. Stripper Girl remembers to put the beer into the batter but forgets to put the batter on the fish...I guess the fish doesn't need to get drunk today. Mike thinks the fish needs to get drunk to put up with this treatment. She says she's going to get it all gooey and make her daddy proud. Daddy issues, anyone?
Dave finishes off the last swallow of beer in the bottle and asks if they can make vodka sauce next. Sorry, the role of Drunk Contestant has already been taken. Sarah wants to have Game Day in Chef Tyler's mouth. I'm sure G-Spot will be glad to be in that competition! Kortni wants to pour more sauce on her wings to make them look more brown. Because drowning is always a great idea. Does she also like to marinate in perfume?
Tasting...time for the party in Not-Bobby's mouth! Well, time for the party in Anne's mouth first, and the guys and Kristen line right up. Apparently one gulp of beer was one gulp more than Dave should have had, because his "interpretation" of a po-boy makes Anne facepalm. Sarah has overcome her fear of white creamy substances and looks at expanding the ways she can entertain in her house. G-Spot does get to host a party in Not-Bobby's mouth as he goes back for seconds. Kortni learns that she can burn something on the outside while leaving it raw on the inside. At judgment, Kristen learns that she wins and wants to take that and compete with Daddy. Dave and Kortni are at the bottom after this round.
For the second round, we learn that the contestants will be making pasta. How many of their offerings will be suitable for mob weapons? Ooh, but there's a twist. Not-Bobby wheels out a tray of squid and tells the contestants that they are making squid ink pasta. Kortni thinks that squid ink is like their pee. Honey, if your pee is black, you need to call a doctor! All I can say is, at least you know the squid is real. Someone had on a judge show when I was around where the defendant was saying it's normal for restaurant calamari to actually be "imitation calamari" made from hog anus. I'm not sure I ever want to have calamari again unless I get to shake the tentacle of the donor squid myself!!
Not-Bobby teaches the contestants about Squid Anatomy, the newest prime time show on ABC. David knows that a pound has 16 ounces and says "I'm not an idiot." Um, that's debatable. Not-Bobby is filling a huge ravioli with squid tentacles and ham hocks to make the Jewish Nightmare Special. Anne wants to make pasta into a religious experience as she marries the pasta and the sauce, and then she consummates the marriage with oil. Always use lube! She's making Not-Bobby a little uncomfortable in a way that G-Spot hasn't been able to do so far. Give her time, my friends. Speaking of friends, Sarah named all of the squid after guys. If all of the guys in her life are limp and slimy, no wonder she drinks! Kristen gets squirted, but as we pause for me to write this, the frozen frame shows that her squid missed the money shot.
As the red team makes the pasta, Anne wants her team to get on top of it and grunt. Only if you use lube, though, folks! The teams have been told to make a well in their flour, but Kortni's making crop circles in the flour on her board. And Dave looks like the alien to land in it, since his hands have been replaced by black goo. He may have been on top of it and grunting, but if it's black that's still a trip to the doctor. Kortni forgot her squid ink, and adding it in late makes it look like she's trying to drizzle the top of it and make marbled cake. Dave forgot to put flour between his pasta sheets and ended up with something that looked like Truck Balls. Sarah stuffs her ravioli like fat guy on Thanksgiving and they're busting out of their sweatpants.
Judgment: Not-Bobby thinks what G-Spot's offering is too hot for him, but she thinks he should just be able to take it from her. He thinks Kortni's naked raviolo is beautiful but would prefer it be covered. Guess he really is modest. Kortni finally goes home for poor clock management, and David goes home to make his teddy bear meatloaf from fresh ingredients instead of prepackaged ones.
And now, sweet world, good night. See you next week on Days of our Kitchens as our contestants try to keep from sending the judges to General Hospital.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
The Return of SnarkFood - Worst Cooks in America
I've been meaning to revive SnarkFood, and the revival of Worst Cooks in America seemed like a good time, especially since Lil tagged me in a FB status about it. So, without further ado, let the snarking recommence!
With this season, we see Tyler Florence take Bobby's role as Male Celebrity Chef Not As Blonde As Anne Burrell. We will see his patience and his gag reflex tested to the utmost in this introductory episode. But even before that we see him wanting to hire the pole dancer while Anne considers the Shirtless Surfer Boy.
As the finalists enter the kitchen, we see Christina thinking that the stoves are attacking her. Um, yeah, honey. Being a therapist, I'm just going to leave that one alone and let others comment. Performance Artist Leo wants his hair to have sex with Anne's. Judging by the way he's prancing around later, he'd rather the rest of him have Tyler instead.
We open up with the task to make your own signature dish. One contestant can't tell potatoes from onions, while Christina is looking for goose fat. Goose fat?? Really??? Figure that everyone on this show is as silly as a goose, pick a neighbor, and start harvesting. But instead, she picks gummy bears. Because of course they taste like goose fat. Maybe after too many Rummy Bears you can't tell the difference? And then she starts trying to cut the gummy bears with a knife that still has a sheath on it. When corrected, she uses the back of the knife. Ambulance on standby, check.
Rachel Ray once described meatloaf mix as "cute little farm animals all ground up," but David really wants to take that to the extreme, shaping his meatloaf like a teddy bear. Six wants to be the Neil Patrick Harris of food, saying that he wants to make things that look like one thing and taste like something else, but that they never turn out tasting good. Mike's response: "So you should make something that looks like poop, then it will actually taste good!"
Wait, when people said someone microwaved a baked potato in a plastic bag, I thought it was by accident!! No, that's Kortni's specialty. Sarah's specialty seems to be talking like Julia Child as she drinks Chef Juice from a ladle. It's one thing when Amy Adams does it. You, Sarah, are no Amy Adams. Mike: "First, you must shove the chicken up your ass. You debone it by boning it." </Julia Child voice> Genique likes this idea, as she wishes she could say her cooking is like a G-spot. Her cooking does seem to be hard to find, but what's not hard to find is the piece of paper in the pan with her chicken. Jason's Criss Cross Applesauce makes us want to Jump, Jump out of the window, as he's crossing applesauce with mashed potatoes.
And now, it's time for tasting, Yummy! Kortni thinks she learned to microwave potatoes in a bag from Tyler. Not quite, honeybun. And now we see what Christina wanted the goose fat for. Matzo Bear Gummy Ball Gazpacho. I just have no words beyond that. She seems to leave me speechless a lot so far. Tyler says it best on the wine burgers: "I'm not sure what kind of animal that is, but it has clearly been through the wringer."
Draft day! Pole dancer Kristen actually gets picked first by Anne. Tyler likes Sarah Child's nude pasta with clam sauce, At least she's not the one trying to get in his pants. Leo's hair gets to play with Anne's until elimination time. Kortni is the last kid picked for the team, getting inflicted on Tyler.
All right, let's see who can pretend to learn and who shows they are too dumb even for that. Date night dinner with sex foods! Kristin doesn't think oysters taste like love at all, which makes us wonder if that's not the first time she's said that about something salty. Tyler's team is making chateaubriand, and Kortni learns for the first time that filet mignon is not a fish. Will we start seeing signs in Atlanta saying "EAT MOR GHOTI"? Well, maybe not, the cows clearly aren't linguists. Anne's team is making chicken with Israeli couscous and a special boiling dance. OMG, Tyler's mushrooms are making me swoon on the couch. WANT. RIGHT. NOW. The mushrooms, not Tyler.
While I get over my foodgasm, the contestants try their hand at the recipe. Kortni peels her fingernail along with the potato. At least there's no blood that way? Anne and Christina shake what their mamas gave them, but then she tries to add backwash to her couscous and has to start that step over. When they show the contestants meeting and seeing their townhouse, we learn that Sarah Child must still be a college student. No couch, no kitchen table. Does she eat sitting on her bed? Either way, she actually makes the best chateaubriand before showing that she's got nothing but a couple of butterflies floating around in her head. One of Anne's contestants has salty (couscous) balls.
Christina goes home on the red side, and she asks whether she can say goodbye to her workstation. I'm going to miss having her for snark fodder. Kortni is in the bottom two for the blue team but lives to microwave another day.
Next week is knife skills. Hope that ambulance is still on standby. See you then, marshmallows!
With this season, we see Tyler Florence take Bobby's role as Male Celebrity Chef Not As Blonde As Anne Burrell. We will see his patience and his gag reflex tested to the utmost in this introductory episode. But even before that we see him wanting to hire the pole dancer while Anne considers the Shirtless Surfer Boy.
As the finalists enter the kitchen, we see Christina thinking that the stoves are attacking her. Um, yeah, honey. Being a therapist, I'm just going to leave that one alone and let others comment. Performance Artist Leo wants his hair to have sex with Anne's. Judging by the way he's prancing around later, he'd rather the rest of him have Tyler instead.
We open up with the task to make your own signature dish. One contestant can't tell potatoes from onions, while Christina is looking for goose fat. Goose fat?? Really??? Figure that everyone on this show is as silly as a goose, pick a neighbor, and start harvesting. But instead, she picks gummy bears. Because of course they taste like goose fat. Maybe after too many Rummy Bears you can't tell the difference? And then she starts trying to cut the gummy bears with a knife that still has a sheath on it. When corrected, she uses the back of the knife. Ambulance on standby, check.
Rachel Ray once described meatloaf mix as "cute little farm animals all ground up," but David really wants to take that to the extreme, shaping his meatloaf like a teddy bear. Six wants to be the Neil Patrick Harris of food, saying that he wants to make things that look like one thing and taste like something else, but that they never turn out tasting good. Mike's response: "So you should make something that looks like poop, then it will actually taste good!"
Wait, when people said someone microwaved a baked potato in a plastic bag, I thought it was by accident!! No, that's Kortni's specialty. Sarah's specialty seems to be talking like Julia Child as she drinks Chef Juice from a ladle. It's one thing when Amy Adams does it. You, Sarah, are no Amy Adams. Mike: "First, you must shove the chicken up your ass. You debone it by boning it." </Julia Child voice> Genique likes this idea, as she wishes she could say her cooking is like a G-spot. Her cooking does seem to be hard to find, but what's not hard to find is the piece of paper in the pan with her chicken. Jason's Criss Cross Applesauce makes us want to Jump, Jump out of the window, as he's crossing applesauce with mashed potatoes.
And now, it's time for tasting, Yummy! Kortni thinks she learned to microwave potatoes in a bag from Tyler. Not quite, honeybun. And now we see what Christina wanted the goose fat for. Matzo Bear Gummy Ball Gazpacho. I just have no words beyond that. She seems to leave me speechless a lot so far. Tyler says it best on the wine burgers: "I'm not sure what kind of animal that is, but it has clearly been through the wringer."
Draft day! Pole dancer Kristen actually gets picked first by Anne. Tyler likes Sarah Child's nude pasta with clam sauce, At least she's not the one trying to get in his pants. Leo's hair gets to play with Anne's until elimination time. Kortni is the last kid picked for the team, getting inflicted on Tyler.
All right, let's see who can pretend to learn and who shows they are too dumb even for that. Date night dinner with sex foods! Kristin doesn't think oysters taste like love at all, which makes us wonder if that's not the first time she's said that about something salty. Tyler's team is making chateaubriand, and Kortni learns for the first time that filet mignon is not a fish. Will we start seeing signs in Atlanta saying "EAT MOR GHOTI"? Well, maybe not, the cows clearly aren't linguists. Anne's team is making chicken with Israeli couscous and a special boiling dance. OMG, Tyler's mushrooms are making me swoon on the couch. WANT. RIGHT. NOW. The mushrooms, not Tyler.
While I get over my foodgasm, the contestants try their hand at the recipe. Kortni peels her fingernail along with the potato. At least there's no blood that way? Anne and Christina shake what their mamas gave them, but then she tries to add backwash to her couscous and has to start that step over. When they show the contestants meeting and seeing their townhouse, we learn that Sarah Child must still be a college student. No couch, no kitchen table. Does she eat sitting on her bed? Either way, she actually makes the best chateaubriand before showing that she's got nothing but a couple of butterflies floating around in her head. One of Anne's contestants has salty (couscous) balls.
Christina goes home on the red side, and she asks whether she can say goodbye to her workstation. I'm going to miss having her for snark fodder. Kortni is in the bottom two for the blue team but lives to microwave another day.
Next week is knife skills. Hope that ambulance is still on standby. See you then, marshmallows!
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