Burned!

Presented without any comment other than the one in the title...

HT:  C. Pitchford - Submitted to the I'm Nor Right In The Head group on Facebook by: T. Klosak

Hell's Kitchen 8/1/11

Dave asked me if I was up for snarking tonight.  I told him I could snark if snarking were called for.  Bonus SnarkFood Points (redeemable nowhere) for whoever gets that reference.

Dave needs to watch the recap for once because he forgets which loser we got rid of last time.  Chino?  I think so.  That's right, this was the episode with no winners.  Dave notes that Chino can close his mouth now, cause it sure as heck shouldn't have been a shock to him.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen, as if we couldn't tell that each episode except a season premiere is the continuation of Hell's Kitchen.  I really wish Elise would shut her mouth already.  I think I wish she would get off my tv as much as Dave wanted Chris off of his tv.  Dave comments that at least no one can describe Elise as passive-aggressive, cause there is no passive there!  As I type, I recall why I never forget how to spell "aggressive."  Years of marching band in high school meant years of hearing the cheerleaders spell it as part of a cheer.

The contestants come downstairs to a scene out of Dexter's Laboratory, and Dave comments that it must be West Virginia Moonshine Week!  After all, it was in WV that he had his first and only moonshine.  Man, I didn't know anyone seriously made moonshine anymore before that.  He claims to remember what happened in the first quarter of that football game...  Me, I'm remembering the Maryland band drummers playing Green Acres and the rhyme my friend LeeAnn made up involving "my hair is in a mullet, with my teeth I open beer. I like the taste of possum, cause I'm a Mountaineer!"

The contestants get to work with food scientists who make pizza that changes flavor to a dessert as you eat it.  Dave wonders when Willy Wonka is going to walk in and thought he had retired after turning the factory over to Charlie.  Well, he can't exactly turn that kind of thing off...

The contestants get to choose a protein and cook it with only fire and water: steaming, boiling and poaching.  The red team needs to choose one dish not to use, and Dave lays his money on it being Carrie's.  Looks that way, since they give her the same meat that another team member is using and they have to have each one represented.  The team chooses Elizabeth's dish, but Ramsay points out that most of them haven't even tasted Carrie's dish.  Elise replies that she tastes with her eyes first and liked the look of Elizabeth's dish better.  Dave thinks that it's reasonable to taste with the eyes first, but I reply that you do still have to taste with your tongue to accurately decide...if you actually care about accurately deciding at least.  Dave's doing that silly two-thumbs thing as he says, "Who called it?  This guy!"  He goes on, "Face it girls, Carrie's going to be around for a while because she's good tv. Besides, she's not as incompetent as you think.  She blew a kiss in the opening sequence, though, so we know she won't win."  I'd like to see her moved to the blue team to see how she could do.

Jonathon's filet "looked like a train wreck, but it's the best-tasting damned train wreck you'll ever see!"  Maybe it was, but you still lost to the better presentation from Jennifer and the red team.  Ramsay puts his face in his hands at Monterray's prawns Benedict even before knowing how overcooked the prawns were.  Dave notes that there's broccoli on the plate; I respond that it's broccoli rabe, and Dave says he doesn't care if it's broccoli Rob or broccoli John or what.  Elizabeth's dish lacks seasoning, and Ramsay asks to try Carrie's dish.  He tells the red team they put the wrong dish up and awards no points for prawns.  The red team's salmon is overcooked, and Will shows his food chops by having cooked the egg over his salmon in a double boiler as was done in days of yore.  Point for blue.  Tattoo Man Tommy puts too much on his plate and actually says, "I don't really think when I do things, I just do them."  That is not exactly conducive to long life on this show...Tommy's fortune would instead be "Hope the lotto numbers work."  Gina wins easily.  Dave comments that poaching is best for the guinea hen, salmon, and lobster and that he would like to try that out sometime to expand his repertoire.  Elise's lobster is rubbery, and Paul ties it up.  No surprise that Will and Paul earn points for the blue team.  Natalie is told her veal terrine has a texture like cat food...maybe for Koko!  Krupa, don't tell them your veal sauce is delicious because that makes them expect it not to be.  It's delicious, but it's not actually veal, it's filet.  Again no points are awarded, and we have a tie, but Ramsay blasts the red team for the meat mistake and for leaving the best dish on the side.  Yes, folks, he said Carrie's dish was not just better than Elizabeth's, it was the best on the team.  How do ya like them apples, Elise?!  Dave comments, "So blue team wins by default...default-of-de-other-team.  Ramsay thanks his honoured (he is a Brit after all) guests and, off camera, apologizes to them for all the crap they had to eat."

Elise is griping again and blaming the loss on Krupa.  Um, honey, you didn't earn your team a point either.  Ramsay tells the red team they're going to get wet, scrubbing the hot tub and the fountain.  Hmmm, I hope it wasn't filmed in winter...then again in LA, it probably doesn't matter much.  The blue team gets to go to a spa, which sounds great until Ramsay announces dinner service is tonight.  Don't get too relaxed, blue team!  The red team is blaming the loss on Krupa for the tiebreaker, conveniently forgetting that all of them but Carrie are to blame since the decision was also made based on them rejecting her dish without bothering to taste it.  Elise comments that her pissedivity level is high and she has not patience today.  First of all, who made you the Neologist of LA, and second of all, when have you ever had patience?  At the spa,Will gets his brows waxed while Jonathon has the intelligence to stay FAR away from hot wax.  And yes, this is the girl in the house saying that waxing is idiotic.  Will says his brows look great...metrosexual much?

As they prep for dinner service, Elise talks about how "we" will do.  Elise, you never have a real "we" in your vocabulary.  There is tableside halibut sashimi tonight, served by Jennifer and Natalie.  Dave comments that they are both hereby safe from elimination, since they have infinitely more sense than Salvatore.  Let's see how the blue team does without Natalie helping hold them together.  At the beginning the blue team is communicating nicely.  Ramsay asks who made the red team's risotto, and Krupa is to blame.  Dave comments that it looks watery but than catches himself and notes that he shouldn't really criticize risotto when he's never made it.  Seriously, honey, you haven't even had that many risottos!  Jonathon is on garnish and keeps having trouble remembering what garnish goes with what entree.  Man, and Dave had thought he would be the best of the dinner trio of him, Monterray, and Tommy!  Gina doesn't open her mouth, even when Ramsay asks how much time until she is ready.  Too bad we can't average her and Chino.  He sends Krupa upstairs to cool her heels while her team finishes without her.  That's too bad, since she had looked really good the first couple of weeks.  The red team starts getting appetizers out again, partially because of...Carrie! Dave points out that they'll still probably put her up for elimination and directs me to call them the red "team" for the rest of tonight.  The blue team's cod has reddish-brown corners from being overdone to the point where it looks to me like tako.  Dave thinks it looks like that poor fish just got out of Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib.  I'll take jokes we couldn't have made 10 years ago for $600, Alex.

The blue diners are waiting for entrees as the red team catches up, and we find out that they are keeping the bread baskets full.  Tommy still can't cook fish and Gina still won't open her mouth except to say, "Yes, Chef."  After tonight, those two will really be livin' on a prayer, or at least on the backs of even dumber compadres.  If I were Gina, I'd be dreaming of Elise running away!  Monterray and Tommy get sent upstairs to join Krupa.  Whoa, wait a minute, which one of them said they had everything clockwork perfect, Tommy?  Seriously?  Clockwork Orange perfect, maybe!  He seriously thinks he didn't deserve to be thrown out.  Um, Tommy, we saw the Dick Cheney Special cod, you don't have a leg to stand on.  Gina sends Ramsay raw sea bass...the sashimi was the first course, sweetheart.  Dave comments, "Raw bass?  There's a Gossip Girl joke just waiting to be made here."  Yes, dears, the Y chromosome in the house (besides Kechara) made the GG reference!

Ramsay throws out Gina and Elise (since Elise didn't have her garnishes at the right time thanks to Gina's lack of communication).  For once, we actually agree with Elise about not deserving to be sent away and not being the worst on the team.  Dave comments that the worst person was the first one to be sent up, Krupa.  Ramsay tells the teams he can't see a leader anywhere; Dave replies that he can see at least two, maybe more.  "They may be rare, but they're not raw."  Both teams lose, which means Gina and Tommy are indeed livin' on a prayer.  This should be easy: Krupa, Gina, Monterray, and Tommy.  Dave: "If you send up anyone else, you're an idiot. Yeah, you can make a case for Tommy, but it's not a very good case, not compared to the other two."  Whoa, Elise doesn't nominate Carrie!  The look on Carrie's face looks to Dave as if she had been nominated, but I think that's just surprise.  Elise once again bitches about people taking things out on her, takes it all personally, and says it's not about the team.  But Dave comes back at her, "Elise, if you WERE a team, you wouldn't be having to nominate anybody!"  Carrie's just glad that, finally, she's not up there herself.  For once, some of the red team got at least a little bit smart!

Paul names the blue team's nominees: Monterray and Tommy.  No surprises there.  When it comes time for the red team, Ramsay asks if they've come to a consensus.  No, they haven't come to a consensus, they've just picked nominees.  The red team nominates Krupa, and we get a commercial break before the second nominee.  I don't know why they're bothering to wait before naming Gina...oh, wait, I was wrong, they nominated Elise!  Dave tells the red team they're not as smart as he thought they were.  Elise tells Ramsay, "If you give me a second chance, I promise I won't be up here a third time."  Wait a second, if you're talking about a third time, aren't you already on your second chance?  Dave comments, "I don't really think when I say things, I just say them. Oh, wait, that's Tommy."  Monterray is asked whether he's the worst chef in his kitchen and Dave overrides him by saying yes.  Ramsay pulls Gina from the safe group at the back and sends her home.  Gina thanks him for the opportunity and Dave comments, "You said something other than 'yes, Chef.' Unfortunately, it was too late."

It's not the size...

Via joestracci on F*ck Yeah Guy Fieri:

 

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Um, Guy... What a big... pepper mill you have!
Pepper mill...Is that they call it nowadays?

Girls Just Wanna Have (Chow) Fun....

OK... These sort of posts will get a lot less snarky, but will hopefully chronicle either 1) foodventures blog panelists have taken together or 2) restaurants that have been featured on Food Network or Travel Channel.

...so away we go.

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Close to the beginning of last month, Kechara, a few of our closest gal pals, and I set out on a quest: to find accessories for the outfit that I will be wearing for my upcoming wedding. Before we did that, we met up for dinner at Hollywood East Cafe in Wheaton, MD, a place I had not tried before.



I knew Hollywood East to serve dim sum on weekends, an experience in which many of us will soon take part. It was relatively quiet that Friday evening. Several large families were present, though, including some Chinese/Chinese-American ones (which I generally see as a good sign for a Chinese Restaurant).

As there are more than a few shots taken from dinner that night, I've placed them behind a jump...

Food Network Star 8/14/11

Well, here it is: the Season 7 Finale of Food Network Star. So, to have some more fun with this, we're setting up a Liveblog of tonight's big event (courtesy of CoverItLive). So, come on over here starting at 9:00 pm EDT and feel free to add your comments as we snark live!

Food Network Star 8/7/11

As we start watching, Dave has to be as careful as our friend Justin from when he was on Jeopardy because he already knows who's going home.  As a result, we may get less commentary from him; I just hope what we do get from him has his usual level of humor and snark.

Ah, the Iron Chef challenge, where contestants have to become both an Iron Chef and Alton Brown.  Although, as Dave points out, this isn't as hardcore as the real Iron Chef, so it's really more like Aluminum Chef or Zinc Chef.   This time, they do have to do three dishes and judge their opponent's dishes, so maybe it's at least Galvanized Chef.

Because this is Iron Chef, they get sous chefs from the last 4 eliminated.  Mary Beth notes that Penny is back like a horror movie villain, which just sets the stage for her drawing Penny to work with.  The secret ingredient for Vic and Mary Beth is rack of lamb.  Allez cuisine!  Vic wants to make a carpaccio with arugala and balsamic and a lamb patty melt.  Dave isn't sure how well he'll be able to pull the latter off and thinks he needs to make his third dish some sort of chop so he shows he can use all of the rack of lamb.  Mary Beth is doing three different chops: grilled, roasted, and pan seared.  Dave notes, "That's nice, but what are your other two dishes?"  Vic's carpaccio becomes thin-sliced instead of pounded because it was falling apart when he pounded it.  Suzie so far is doing a decent job of commentating on this change.  Vic does resist the temptation to go Vegas on his lamb and stick with Mama's Boy.  Jeff comments on Mary Beth planning an umami explosion.  Alton thinks this is fraught, and Jeff comments that Umami Explosion was the name of his high school band...it was progressive.

Penny is costing Mary Beth time in making sure each chop is just right.  Then again, we learned she was like that during the food truck challenge.  Alton comments about Penny's leisurely pace often leaving to losing, and Penny's facial expression looks very "too bad for her."  Jeff is given the challenge to take the show to commercial, and he rises to the occasion, asking who has the chops to win.  Suzie shows that she still needs to improve on her food knowledge.  Vic triple fries his french fries.  They have crunch, that's for sure...a little too much crunch.  As for the third course, after Bobby is pretty much horrified at using mint jelly, Vic asks, "Why was the mint jelly in the Iron Chef kitchen?"  Dave points out, "It was a distractor, a trap that you, Vic, not only stepped right into, but when it snapped on your leg, you said, 'Oooh, this actually feels good!'"  Mary Beth shows her plan is lamb in different seasons.  She starts with winter and accompanies the lamb with Israeli couscous, commenting that she likes to grill outside in winter.  Like most of MB's dishes, this one needs a little something more.  Her fall dish, pan-seared lamb with pears, needs more finesse.  Her late-winter/early-spring lamb is badly overcooked.  Giada was really having to hack at the lamb, reminding Dave of the disastrous bacon steak from the same challenge last season.  I know the Israelites sacrificed lambs by burning them on the altar, hon, but you don't need to do everything they did even if you do like their couscous!

Ooh, Jeff and Suzie have lobster as their secret ingredient.  Just don't make Chris' cream cheese roll that claimed to have lobster in it.  Suzie is making a ceviche and a lobster stew over a potato cake, as well as a lobster enchilada.  She's concerned about having enough time for the ceviche and describes it as "short-form ceviche."  What have we told you about short-cuts?  Suzie works with the time constraint for her enchilada in an interesting way, using swiss chard to wrap it rather than more time-consuming wrappers.  What I would love to see Jeff do is to make his POV come out without repetitiveness by making a lobster sandwich for each meal of the day.  He could start with a lobster benedict, either calling it an open-faced sandwich or putting English muffin on top as well.  Lunch could be the lobster roll he was already talking about, and dinner could be a fancier lobster sandwich, maybe open-faced on crostini?  Ooh, he's making a BLAT: Bacon Lobster Avocado Tomato, using the avocado in place of mayo for the creaminess.  Or wait, he's not, since there are no avocados.  The judges are ragging on him for planning a main ingredient he doesn't have, but avocados have been present in the pantry most of the time.  He's also making a lobster taco with a fennel-raddichio slaw.  Vic has to explain harissa and can't, although he does at least make Bobby laugh by describing it as the Devil's toothpaste.  MB is doing pretty well in her commentary, as we would expect from a food writer.

Jeff's lobster roll looks mundane, but it tastes great, especially with his addition of walnuts.  Bob tells him that he is cementing his reputation as the Sandwich King, and Susie likes that he is continually expanding the idea of "sandwich" by adding things like tacos.  The lobster was fried in the LBT, but the tempura batter was too thick.  Jeff had to use store-bought mayo (looks like Hellman's) in all 3 dishes, and Giada told him to try adding lemon to mayo, saying it'll change his life.  We'll have to try that.  Suzie's short-form ceviche turns out to be the exception to the rule on short cuts, and she produces three outstanding dishes.  Wow, there's actually nothing to snark on for her!

Evaluation time - cue ominous music here.  I think either Vic or MB is going home.  Overall, I think Vic has done a better job, but they're fairly even today.  Which will the judges use, today's performance or overall performance?  That's going to decide which one goes home.  Susie wins her battle, but I'd put money on them both being safe this week.  Vic wins his battle, which makes him safe.  That's what really seals it, MB is going home.  And I was right.  MB shows a lot of class in her response.  Suzie gives Vic a backhanded fist bump...never seen that before!

I'll be watching the finale live so I can hit Publish Post as soon as the credits roll.  The preview shows that they send someone home after the first challenge to go from three to two rather than keeping three till the last minute like they did the year of Lisa, Adam, and Aaron.

MasterChef

The one observation I have so far about MasterChef is that I am enjoying watching Ramsay describe and demonstrate filleting a salmon in the pressure test.  Dave and I have both talked about getting a whole fish of some sort (or, more likely, several!) in order to try this out.  We have a knife skills book that we've been learning a lot from, and we practice the skills when we get the chance with something new.  Might be time to go ahead and do it.  Maybe some nice, fresh Chesapeake Bay rockfish?

Hell's Kitchen 7/26/11

14 Chefs Compete.  The contestants face another intense challenge.  Man, even the episode descriptions suck now!  Viewer Discretion Advised: Language.  Well, at least this time there's no violence.  Dave wants to get the opening credits song on iTunes.  He heard it once at the gym and thought immediately of HK.

I realized from the "scenes from last week" that I had the wrong blonde in the last write-up.  It was Elizabeth, not Natalie.  I can't even blame that one on the pain pills since I wrote that one before I took them.

Elise is annoyed that Carrie's still here.  Dave says, "Face it, Elise, she's going to be here for a while.  She's going to keep going just enough to avoid elimination."  Some of the girls want to go to bed, but they're kept awake by Elise, Jennifer, and Krupa yelling at each other.  One of the girls comments about too much drama.  Dave comments, "Pot, kettle, black."  There you go with those racist comments, Dave.

The contestants get to dress up like Farmer Joe and Jane for their challenge.  Dave notices that they're not wearing waders, so they're not grabbing their own fish.  Contestants have to catch chickens to get to choose ingredients for their chicken dishes.  Dave wonders whether teams have to use all of the ingredients they get.  If so, he pities the team that has to use grits and pickles.  Natalie's farmgirl roots come out, and Will comments that Chino knows how to choke a chicken.  The teams each get one chicken, and they have to pair up and take a chicken quarter per group.  They have to make sure it comes out perfect, since they only have one serving to create their dish from.  Each pair has to use a different cooking method (between frying, sauteeing, grilling, and roasting).  Carrie's fried chicken is raw, and Elise tries to throw Carrie under the bus not just for this but for everything that has gone wrong for the red team.  Carrie says she doesn't like girls...I'm sure there are plenty of guys who are happy to hear that, honey!  Tommy needs to learn a better way to tie on a bandanna, since his makes his hair look like a ski hat.  Monterray shows he has class by owning up to the fact that he was the reason that one plate had no chicken on it.  The challenge comes down to the last dish, and Dave comments that this is only because Ramsay chickened out by giving both sauteed dishes a point.  Yes, folks, he meant to say that.  Now you know what I live with and why we have someone in our life that routinely takes away his talking privileges! 

The red team wins and get a go-karting trip.  The blue team's punishment is to make a ton of chicken stock.  Dave comments that this is the best punishment so far since it at least relates to what the contestants want to do with their lives...much better than ironing or assembling playground equipment.  Elise claims that she's going to kick butt despite having never go-karted before.  "One thing you don't lack for is confidence," Dave points out.  We learn that Elizabeth doesn't actually have a driver's license since she lives in Manhattan.  Jennifer feels like she's racing while "driving like Miss Daisy."  Dave has the pop culture knowledge to point out that Miss Daisy never drove.  Elise plans to run Carrie off the "road" so that Carrie can't beat her.  Love your teamwork, Elise. While the stock is working, the blue team role-plays dinner service.  As a therapist, I have to like that idea!  Natalie describes herself as "doing my fish thang."  However, as Will notes, Chino sucks when he's not even cooking.

During prep, Elise finds someone else to piss off as she gives Andi backtalk and then walks away after Andi calls her out on it.  Andi's eyes look like they're bulging with anger.  "We've learned in previous seasons, don't piss off Andi," Dave notes.  C'mon, Andi, give her the business! 

Ooh, champion athletes in the chef's tables for each kitchen.  Elise feels good that Carrie's not on meats to screw things up, but Elise ends up being the first screw-up with scallops.  To her credit, though, for once she forgets that she knows everything and applies the advice that Ramsay gives.  Natalie gets the blue team off to a good start on apps, but then Monterray shows that he's dumber than Elise tonight by talking back to Scott instead of listening to his advice.  Dave and I learn that the way to keep fish from falling apart after removing it from the pan is to leave it on the fish spatula instead of taking it off the spatula right away.  We also note that we need to acquire a fish spatula.  The Bed Bath & Beyond CEO must love us...when we did our wedding registry, we spent about 3 hours in the kitchen section.  Monterray says in his private camera spot that he didn't sign on to be cussed at by Scott.  Um, dear, you knew what you were getting into, or you sure as hell should have!  Monterray tries to get help from Jonathan, and half of the blue team starts yelling and cussing at each other in front of their Olympians.  Gina cuts her steak too early and when yelled at says she wishes she was in a bubble bath with champagne.  Dave replies, "If you wish you were in a bubble bath instead of wishing you had done it right the first time, you won't be around for long."  She later sends up lamb that's still baa-ing.  Over in the blue kitchen, forget Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader, Chino needs to go back to first grade.  Not only can he not write, he can't tell time, repeatedly saying "just a minute" when he needs 3-5 minutes.  The blue kitchen gets shut down and the red kitchen follows while trying to food both chef's tables.  Why is there still bread in the baskets on the chef's tables??  They do at least get to eat, unlike the regular diners, as Ramsay has Scott and Andi make their entrees.

There are no winners here, only losers.  Each team gets to choose 2 for elimination.  Dave makes his picks: "Chino, since he's been useless since Week 0.  For the other, it's hard because the worst is SO far below the rest.  Monterray, I guess, because I like his attitude but his performance was bad.  On the red team, Gina, since you brought up food that was clearly raw.  For the other, they'll think of some reason to throw Carrie up there, but she'll still be around for a while.  Elise will too."  For my pics, I'm with you on Chino and Monterray and Gina.  I would kill for them to send up Elise, but I doubt they will.  I can see them trumping up a reason for Carrie, but I can also see them trumping up an excuse for Krupa.  She didn't get a chance to screw anything up tonight, but she seems to also be high on the hit list."

Natalie's right about Chino: "You don't come to Hell's Kitchen to learn to cook, you should already know how to cook."  Dave thinks the top 3 chefs on the blue team are, in whatever order, Natalie, Will, and Jonathan.  Natalie tears up about Chino accusing her of sabotaging him.  As the red team dithers, Jamie takes charge to make a tally of who screwed up today.  As usual, Elise and Carrie are shouting at each other.  I'm going to have to start thinking of new ways to say that.  Elise yells, "Shut up, I'm talking," and Dave comments that if you need to say that because no one is listening to you, that usually means you don't have anything real to say. 

Hot damn, the red team nominates Elise in addition to Carrie!  Other than that, Dave and I both got the picks right.  I hope Ramsay calls Gina up too.  Monterray defends himself by saying he didn't give up. From Dave, "You did the stupider thing by fighting back.  You got dumb!"  Chino says he wants to be able to show the guys what he can do.  Dave: "You have shown the guys what you can do, that's the problem."  Well, he hasn't converted much of the team into drooling mouth-breathers, if that's what he means.  Elise looks arrogant when some of the red team members say they would rather send her home than Carrie and completely shocked when Natalie agrees.  Elise, honey, if you go outside in Seattle with your nose that far in the air, you'll drown inside of a day.  Ramsay deliberates, and Dave asks him to do us all a favor and get Chino off our tvs. (He seems to like that phrase)  According to Dave, Chino makes it look like Dave should be on HK instead of him.  "And I sure as hell don't belong on there. Yet."  The sad thing is that it took 3 weeks to get rid of Chino because there were 2 people worse than him. 

In the previews for next week, we see that Gina takes the nice-girl gloves off and faces down Elise.  That'll be fun to see.  From Dave, "Jamie, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Natalie, Jonathan, and Will.  There's your final 6.  But they'll bring Elise and Carrie for the final episode because they create too much drama to leave then out."  OK, Dave, we've noted that down for posterity.  To quote a Mercedes Lackey book, "Let's see if [you are] brilliant or deluded!"

Food Network Star 7/31/11

Busy busy Jessie working hard to catch up on shows.  Well, I can't do much that's active while I'm still recovering from my accident, so you few readers get to benefit.  I just took a pain pill, though, so we'll see how long I'm awake to entertain y'all.

The camera challenge this week is right up my alley: The Best Thing I Ever Ate - Chelsea Market.  I want to visit Chelsea Market the next time I'm in NYC, and the first thing I did to play along with Food Network was choosing the best thing I ever ate to fit each episode's theme.  (Dave: Yeah, no kidding--we've been known to play along with that show at home, though our lack of time spent in New York City seems to be a bit of a handicap.)  Mary Beth thinks she's got an edge in describing her choice thanks to being a food writer...we'll see.  (Dave: Um, talking about a crepe being as thin as ladies' lingerie is NOT exactly appetizing to much of your audience!)  I do like her description of needing to say how the food tastes since people can't lick the tv.  Jeff is the first to fully describe his dish, and, in a typical Jeff move, steals another bite of his Reuben on the way off stage.  Whitney films right after Mary Beth, which wouldn't be an issues except for the fact that they were both talking about crepes from the same stall.  Jeff is on a roll, winning the Rachael Ray star challenge and then the Best Thing camera challenge.

(Dave: Forget whatever it was that Mary Beth said, her appearance on camera on the "set" of the show was absolutely dead on.  Her emotion, her physical movements, everything was just perfect for Best Thing.  Granted, I agree that Jeff should be the winner based on the content of what he said, but Mary Beth's performance shouldn't be underestimated.)

Star Challenge: Roasts.  I hope Bobby gets roasted...I'd love to see that!  That's a new one on us.  Each contestant gets a different protein.  They get 4 hours for prep and cooking...potentially tight, depending on the cut, but a reasonable amount of time.  Vic gets the Vegas staple of prime rib.  Mary Beth gets duck, which she's never worked with before.  At the store, Mary Beth gets a lesson in roasting duck from the butcher, leading the other contestants to wonder if Mary Beth's dish will really belong to her or the butcher. 

Unfortunately, it's the contestants being roasted instead of Bobby.  (Dave: Wait, I thought they promised A-list comedians--what the hell is Louie Anderson doing there?  He sounds like he eternally has his nostrils pinched shut!)  We'll have to see how well the contestants keep their cool during presentation.  (Dave: Well, Vic seemed to get his name confused with his point of view.  A little painful to see after really developing "Mama's Boy.")  Jeff has his head in the right place, remembering that while he used to be a comedian, today he's a chef.  The only question is what the exact joke about his Mojo Monk Headband will be.  Oh, wow, Mary Beth actually managed to do the duck well.  Too bad she comes across as pedantic instead of warm and open in her presentation.  (Dave: It's pretty clear we have no clue what her show concept is from her presentation.  That's a BIG problem.)  Jeff's presentation is good, and we find out that, unlike Dave, Jeff is an Ass Man with his rump roast.  He gets asked what his opening joke was, and Gilbert Gottfried responds that he'd give Jeff a cooking show if only to keep him from ever doing stand-up again!  Ooh, we see Suzie's background during presentation for the first time.  (Dave: It's hard for me not to see her as the big winner here, no offense to Jeff.  She was really from the heart, she had fun with the comedians, and her food, to me, looked the most appealing--just beautiful on the plate!)  Whitney tears up during presentation.  Hmmm, maybe we don't want her to open up after all. One Alicia was enough thankyouverymuch.

Evaluation time.  For the first time, the judges deem everyone's food to meet the expectations they have for a FN star.  Vic is told that he needs to be more Mama's Boy and less Vic Vegas (Dave: ...which is kind of hard to do less of when it's, um, TATTOOED ON YOUR ARM!).  Susie tells Jeff that he was actually kinda sexy!  Jeff sweeps the episode by winning the star challenge, and he, Vic, and Suzie are safe.  (Dave: I'm kinda surprised by this--a different week and Vic wouldn't have been safe, and I don't know what more Suzie really could have done.)  Suzie feels good about having bounced back.  Whitney and Mary Beth face the firing squad.  I'd send home Whitney, but I'd probably end up sending home Mary Beth next weekend.  (Dave: I can believe that, though Mary Beth would certainly have a better chance to get into the final three, I think, with an Iron Chef challenge, particularly on commentary.  A couple weeks ago, it looked like a lock for either Suzie or Vic, but Jeff has really turned things up a notch.)  They can't lose whichever they choose, neither one of them is a star.  (Dave: Comparatively speaking, I'd agree.  It's like the distinction between the Hall of Fame and the Hall of Really Good or Hall of Damn Nice.)  Whitney goes home, and the Final Four is set.  Whitney manages to hold back the tears until the hugging upstairs.

Next week is the Iron Chef battle with returning contestants.  Can you guess who gets stuck with Penny?

Food Network Star 7/24/11

Tonight the contestants will be on the Rachael Ray Show, which Dave notes is always a highlight of the season.  Are you sure that's not just because you enjoy looking at Rachael, dear?  No comment from Dave.  The contestants will be doing demos during both the camera challenge and the star challenge this time. 

The camera challenge is to make a cupcake as an expression of themselves.  Not sure how well Whitney's dish will go over, since she does an adaptation of one of Ina's recipes when she is a judge.  At least it's not taken word for work like one contestant did with a Paula Deen recipe in another season.  Whitney comes out of her shell a little more in this presentation, but will it be enough?  Suzie goes to her roots with a corn cupcake with duck confit slaw.  Jeff takes the sandwich concept too far by putting 5 meats in his cupcake.  At that point, dear, it just tastes like "meat."  Bobby looks dubious, and Bob has to chew it a LOT.  At least he used some sort of recipe, unlike Chris.  Jeff is not the only one putting pancetta in his cupcakes, as Vic turns an Italian tartuffe into a cupcake.  Jyll chooses to use only orange and chocolate, saying she likes to use simple, bold flavors.  I hope you make them good and bold, hon, because it they're not, they'll fade away and so will you.  Jyll is still too rehearsed during presentation.  Mary Beth has what I (and the judges) think is the best idea, roasted strawberry cupcakes.  Definitely looking forward to experimenting along those lines myself. 

The Rachael Ray star challenge is more difficult than in previous years, starting with a 30-second intro and then requiring the contestants to field questions from the audience while they are doing their demos.  This does not end well, as 2 of the contestants completely forget about fielding questions.  The contestants have to reinvent classic dishes.  Jeff breaks out the Monk Mojo Headband...too bad he didn't use that while he was making his cupcakes.  Vic shows his Italian roots by calling the marinara sauce "gravy" as he makes his lasagna.  Mary Beth changes shepherd's pie to have the mashed potatoes on the bottom and a layer of carrot puree on top.  It looks amazing, and Dave and I both agree that we need to try that the next time we make shepherd's pie.  At the same time, Jyll reinvents meatloaf by putting mashed potatoes on top...thus making it into a beef shepherd's pie.  Oops. 

When they get onstage, Whitney is nervous and forgets her story but gets a lucky break when a contestant's question gives her an opening.  Mary Beth's intro is good except for the fact that she uses the Same. Gesture. Every. Two. Seconds.  Vic shows he's a class act by giving tips to the people who present after him.  Whitney gets stage-struck.  Dave comments that the more cameras are around, the easier it is to get intimidated.  He would know, after having hosted High School Bowl for a couple of years.  Suzie commits the mortal sin of turning her back to the camera.  Jyll gets pressed about how her POV is different from what's already there on FN, and she crashes and burns, possibly sealing her fate for the night.  Jeff seems perfectly natural on stage for once, and he does the best job of anyone of playing off of Rachael.  Plus, that pork chop looks amazing as he pulls the bone right off. 

In the end, Jyll did seal her fate and gets to go home.  Her heart just didn't seem to be in it, especially not tonight.  In some ways, it almost seemed like she was the second coming of Amy Findley.  Next week, we get Gilbert Gottfried.  Is this his first appearance since he stopped being the AFLAC duck?  We see the beginnings of a battle for who can take the heat.  When I was in high school, the manliness test was who could eat a Taco Bell taco with more Fire sauce packets on it.  Dave comments that the Fire sauce isn't actually hot, but it is for a bunch of high schoolers who have never seen a habanero! 

Hell's Kitchen 7/25/11

So as the show is beginning, Dave and I contemplate how much the winners of Food Network Star make.  Bet it's not $250,000 a year off the bat!  Since Dave has been watching MasterChef, he noticed that Ramsay has been recycling challenges between the two shows.  So far, we have the most respect for Will, but we'll see what the next episodes bring.

At the end of the last episode, Ramsay called for a volunteer from the red team to join the blue team.  None of the girls wanted to leave, and the blue team thought they were doing fine as they were (despite getting shut down for both dinner services).  The girls discuss drama, and Elisa doesn't understand why people see her as causing drama.  It's not that you cause major drama, Elise, it's that this season doesn't have someone like a Penny or Raj, so your drama looks bigger.  One of the the blonde girls (Elizabeth, the less-ditzy one) goes to the blue team.  She thinks she's gonna come out of this smelling like roses, and Dave comments that if she doesn't, she'll end up as rose fertilizer.  We do after all have 2 in the role of "cute ditzy blonde to be eliminated early."  Will makes a comment about having liked the team feeling that had been there before.  It's hard to tell from his comment if he needs to broaden his meaning of "team" or if he's better at hiding the misogynistic tendencies than some of the "men" that have been on this show.  I think it's the former, judging by what I've seen so far.  I hope so.

Yet another early wake-up call, this time from clowns.  It's a good thing this is a reality show and not a fraternity, because they're breaking a million hazing laws here!  This morning's challenge is to feed a bunch of hungry kids and then their mothers.  I am a little disturbed at the official Hell's Kitchen high chairs.  They're using naan as the outside of both quesadillas and paninis...I never would have thought of using naan for either one, but I want to try it now.  Elise actually makes a good point for once, telling Carrie not to keep moving back and forth in her way.  The blue team (I can't say the guys' team anymore!) wins by a matter of seconds and the red team gets to clean up and assemble the playground for the kids-allowed dinner service.  I swear, the only reason Ramsay does kids' nights at HK is because, unlike in his real restaurants, he has a losing team to do the cleanup afterwards.  While the red team is working and bickering, the blue team is grilling Elizabeth about what the red team has been doing to be so successful, and Elizabeth shows her loyalty to her new team by leaking the state secrets.  Their reward is to go to Medieval Times, and they get to actually practice swordfighting.  As the red team assembles the playground equipment, they get a literal team-building exercise.  Too bad they don't build their team as well as they do the equipment.  Instead, they follow my rule that, from age 4 to 104, a group of all or mostly girls will be catty.  The boys are acting like 5-year-olds as they come back from Medieval Times, but in a cute and endearing way, playing with their souvenirs.

For tonight's dinner service, in addition to having kids around, the contestants have the added complications of serving a welcoming margherita pizza and having one person from each team taking orders in the dining room.  You know, Ramsay, you could have stopped at a welcoming margarita and the parents would be happy.  Let's see if Gina and Chino can write in English more effectively than Salvador could.  Gina is able to step over that bar, but yet again Chino is Epic Fail.  Krupa has a strategy to avoid drama: silence.  Unfortunately, Krupa, among girls, silence creates drama too.  The blue team overcooks chicken tenders to the point where Ramsay says they look like a baby's flip flop.  Better that than the appetizer in Love Actually that looks like a dead baby's finger.  Scott's not pulling any punches with the blue team; he's got a mouth on him!  Elise starts trying to take Chef's role of expediting, and we have the first Ramsay-contestant showdown this season.  Amanda's all mixed up, to the point of forgetting entrees...that's dangerous.  Natalie's slow on the fish station, but at least she's not rushing and sending things up raw.  The diners are antsy, and Dave tells the waiters to slip them all some more wine.  Thank you, Britney Spears, remind me not to put you in charge of getting the kids to sleep.  I just hope the moms have Cheerios in their purses.  One of the kids says, "Shut it down," and Dave and I crack up.  The red team is told to shut it down for the first time, thus making Chino safe for a week.  Aw, darn.  I guess that makes him the winner for this week of Hell's Dining Room.

As expected, the red team starts bickering, and Elise yells at one of them asking if she takes meds for a mental illness.  Dave can identify 3-4 of the women to put up there.  Elise goes up in my book, for contributing to the stigma surrounding mental illness if nothing else.  But I'm going to get off my soapbox now.  In the end, Chef Ramsay makes his own nominations and sends Amanda home.  We had difficulty calling it, since there were several worthy contenders for the plane ticket, but Dave picked Amanda based on how much Ramsay wants contestants to fight to stay.

Onward, onward, onward we go.

Hell's Kitchen 7/19/11

"16 Chefs Compete."  What kind of episode title is that?  HK does this for their episode titles every season these days, and it always annoys me.  Yes, this title tells us something useful, since it's only the second episode and we started with 18 chefs, but still, at least use a funny like from the episode like they do on Amazing Race!  The show is rated for profanity.  Gee, really?  I never would have guessed that.  In the opening credits, I love the look on Ramsay's face as he's playing the pinball machine.  At least the opening credits are good every season.

Last week on Hell's Kitchen, anorexic wanna-be actors and actresses got to stay anorexic since they had almost no food served to them.  It seems weird to me that they use actors and actresses as the dinner guests...I wish it were open to the public.  At least I'd love to see my step-brother, Sean, get to go.  Even if he focuses more on script-writing these days, he is an actor in LA.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen.  Chino of the dumb-look-that-makes-you-expect-to-see-drool survived elimination this time, but we'll see what happens for the future.  No matter what, I definitely do not see him winning.  After the elimination, Chris is sharing his view of how dinner service went and talking about facing reality.  Chris, I hate to tell you, but despite it being "reality tv," Hell's Kitchen and reality don't usually seem to go together.  Usually it's the girls' team that starts bickering first, but this season it's the boys.  Gordon starts with the rude wake-up calls a little early this season, so we get to see who sleeps in just their boxers.  "Oh, God, where are my pants?!?"  Not usually something you hear on a food show!  I'm also wondering what one of the blondes is carrying in her teeth.  Jonathan gets a nice wake-up out of it, as he notices the girls in some skimpy pjs.

The team challenge is going back to basics to grill 4 cuts of meat according to the doneness he requests.  Natalie says she likes some good meat.  Brings my (gutter-based) mind back to Food Network Star and Mary Beth saying she likes a bone.  Hopefully no one screws up and forgets which is the rib-eye and which is the strip (the other 2 cuts are filet and a burger).  Elise and Carrie are paired together and spend the whole time having a cat fight while they try to cook.  Brandon is confident, but as Bobby Flay likes to say, "There are two kinds of men, those who can grill and those who think they can grill."  The narrator talks about the contestants frantically trying to work their meat.  Man, this is way too much fun for a brain like mine!  Krupa and Amanda get a perfect score, and Krupa says she would kiss Amanda on the lips if they had been given time to brush their teeth.  Elise blames their bad cuts on Carrie, which is funny since she spent most of the time pushing Carrie out of the way and keeping her from cooking.  Chino finds a bit of salvation; maybe he just needs to be kept away from the fish?  The boys end up winning by one piece of meat.  As the guys' last few pieces were being tested, Jennifer is begging for them to screw it up...nice sportsmanship there, honeypie.  One of the guys describes the blue team as hugging like girls when they won, but those were full-on Man Hugs.  Paul thinks he's a big deal...can't wait for him to get slapped down a peg or two!

The women get to clean the grills and bitch about it as the first part of their punishment.  Elise, weren't you the one last night complaining about having to do the punishment when you hadn't made the team lose?  There's your karma, bitch!  Elise complains about others being rude and says she gets along with everyone.  Um, no, Elise, you get along with people about as well as Penny.  Dave comments, "Elise, we've seen your type before on Hell's Kitchen, and they never win."  The narrator talks about the men's team being united.  For now.  We'll see how long that lasts.  The guys get a nice lunch with Ramsay while the girls get the meat from earlier after a trip through the blender.  Dave, this is what your Thanksgiving was almost like one year!  "Yeah, that's why I decided not to have my wisdom teeth out just before Thanksgiving.  One of the girls makes a bitchy comment (surprise, surprise) about one of the blondes being used to having meat in her mouth.  You know, it's ok when I say that, I'm just putting it online for almost no one to read.  It's completely different when you say that on camera! 

We cut to the guys at their dinner, and Paul talks about not being distracted by a significant other.  Dude, just because no one wants to have sex with you, you don't have to see yourself as above other people that may have more distractions.  Will talks about living up to the family name...trust the Jersey boy to be worried about the status of the family name.  Brendan talks ad nauseum about his favorite subject, himself. 

The girls get to carry and disassemble a whole cow.  Reminds me of a restaurant in Charleston where the chef buys pigs whole and uses all of the parts.  Talk about getting up close and personal with their ingredients!  The girls start gelling as a team as they have fun with this part of the punishment.  They study and quiz each other on the ingredients and dishes while doing the prep for them.  That's something I've never seen on the show before, but I love it.  The question is, will they now be able to remember all of the dishes on the menu unlike Matt from a couple seasons back.  After the guys get back, most of the girls are still studying, but Carrie has enough wine to stumble as she invites one of the guys to her bed.  Good thing none of the others have gone to bed yet!  You two can just go home now if you want...this isn't going to end like Holly and Blue Jay.  On the other hand, either of you might get sent home after tomorrow's dinner service, might as well do what you can while you can.

Before dinner service, the girls each check their station to make sure they have everything they need.  Elise takes a leadership role on this, and so far it hasn't backfired.  Ah, tableside service, first of Caesar salads and then of prime rib.  Ramsay's increasing the degree of difficulty earlier in the season this time.  Gina's silent at her station when asked for a time until she's ready.  Gina, speak, Ooboo!  Brendan describes someone as acting like a chipmunk on meth, and Dave wonders how much meth Brendan has taken to come up with that description as well as what color his chipmunks are.  Maybe he's seen chipmunks near a college campus?  Chip and Dale?

This year's risotto just does not look appealing, even when done right.  It just looks bland and mealy.  Chino keeps making the same mistakes on his risotto.  At least he's consistent.  Consistently bad, but consistent nonetheless.  Carrie tears up, and Dave wonders who switched her with Alicia from FNS.  There's been a mistake in casting, folks!  One contestant is described as being on another like white on rice, and we wonder if Carrie wants to be on her man like white on rice.  Chino finally nails a risotto after how many times?  And then comes the fish debacle.  Brendan brings up the same piece of fish a second time and claims to have thrown the first one away when Ramsay calls him on it.  Ramsay tells him to find the first piece if he has to root through the trash to do it, and we have our preview shot from last week.  Seriously, lying to Chef Ramsay?!?  How dumb can you be?  Besides, Brendan, if it was sent back once, what makes you think it wouldn't be sent about again?  It was sent back for being burnt, not raw.  Brendan, if you can't replace the fish with a refire, you're fired.

Elise is all over the kitchen to the point where we can't even tell what station she's supposed to be working.  Ramsay dresses her down and says in the process that he's not God.  Really, Ramsay?  You usually seem to do your best to dispel the notion of you not being God.  Things start moving more smoothly until the blue team can't cook duck and calls it a different bird.  Seriously, learn your damned poultry!  That's as bad as a couple seasons ago when Fran couldn't tell the difference between crab and lobster.  The diners are wanting more wine for their wait and another breadbasket to absorb the wine so that at least one person per table can drive home.  If they're lucky, James will slip the number of a local pizza joint into the breadbaskets.  I would pay to see the opening service at one point have a Dominoes guy pull up.  Krupa drops the whole prime rib on the floor and needs some from the guys.  Nice job there, Grace.  Course, the way the guys are going, Krupa, you can have all of the blue team's prime rib because they won't end up serving anyone. 

The guys are shut down and Dave is glad Steven's not around to offer to wash pans.  "After all, it's Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher."  The guys are mad, but the ultimate question is, will anyone go as crazy as Raj last season?  We're seeing Chino and Brendan going up for elimination.  Monterray didn't even have a chance to screw up, so he's safe.  The guys are especially pissed that they lost to girls, which is one thing I hate about the guy/girl team division.  The girls are sent to take over the blue kitchen and are appalled at the mess.  Hooray, no more anorexics, everyone got to eat!  We're not sure if that's ever happened in Week 2 before. 

Chino doesn't agree with being sent up for elimination with Brendan because he didn't say anything wrong.  That's the problem, Chino, you didn't say anything at all.  You went from your mouth hanging open to closing it completely.  However, arguing with your team about being chosen  isn't necessarily the right time to start opening your mouth.  Ramsay asks Chino and Brendan what he hasn't seen in them that is a reason he should keep them.  Brendan lists a couple qualities, including character.  Seriously?? You lie to Chef Ramsay and say that one of your qualities is character??  Well, character is one of the things that he has not seen in you so far!  Dave decides he has to listen to this part again and comment.  The first quality Brendan mentions is heart.  "Well, yes, Brendan, you do have a heart, you're not dead on the floor."  Character.  "A very bad character where you're calling people names and lying to Ramsay."  Those things can't be taught.  "And you cannot learn."  I want to apologize to you, Chef, about the fish; I was mistaken.  "Come on, that's not a mistake!"  Chino gets to speak and for the second week in a row basically says he's in over his head.  Dave says he should have gotten sent home last week instead of Steven, and I reply, "Yeah, but there could only be one porn star on this season and it had to be Carrie."  We're rooting for a double elimination, and Dave says that they can't lose, whoever he eliminates.  Well, you can't lose unless you're the blue team that has to take one of them back.  Dave notices as we go to commercial that there is enough time left in the episode that Ramsay could conceivably eliminate both of them.  Unfortunately, he does not, only Brendan goes home.  Lucky for Ramsay, he no longer has to listen to Brendan babble.  On his way out, Brendan says, "Don't hate the player, hate the game," and Dave wonders what that really means.  To me, it means, "Don't hate on the man-slut."  With his parting words, Brendan asks Carrie to call him.  I thought usually it was the girl hoping the guy would call in the morning. 

Dave: "Next season on Kitchen Nightmares, visit Brendan's restaurant in New York, the site of a major rat infestation.  No, I'm not talking about just the owner/head chef."  Now that the blue team is down 3, Ramsay asks for a volunteer from the red team to switch sides.  Ooh, ooh, I'd pay for it to be Elise!  The blue team tries to countermand Ramsay, saying they don't need the help.  Yeah, backtalk the big boss, that's a good plan.  Monterray gives his opinion about the switch, starting, "With all due respect..."  Usually when someone says "with all due respect," they're not actually showing any respect. 

In the preview for next week, the narrator talks about the group facing their worst fears as they get woken up by clowns.  You know, I've never understood that whole being afraid of clowns thing.  Then comes children's day at Hell's Kitchen.  If I were a mom, I think I'd be scared to bring my child around Ramsay in this kind of setting.  I'm going to have enough of a hard time curbing my own tongue so my kids don't hear me curse, let alone Ramsay!

Food Network Star 7/17/11

We're trying out some new technology over here at SnarkFood, seeing if we can save some trees by recording our reactions instead of writing them down.

The episode is just beginning and already Penny is making people uncomfortable.  Let me take a moment and be shocked.  OK, moment over. I realized that Will, the person on Hell's Kitchen that I thought I recognized from another show, was just reminding me of Jeff from FNS.  Whitney's losing confidence again, and she's on the phone with her boyfriend.  He's telling her to just be herself and let the great person that she is shine through, and I decide that I officially love him.  He earns major Boyfriend Points for that move.  Dave remembers that Whitney had been getting advice from her mom a couple of episodes before.

Today marks Midterms for our lovely (and not-so-lovely) contestants, with a double elimination coming at the end.  Camera Challenge is for each contestant to make their signature dish and demo it on camera.  There's a twist this time, though: each contestant is given a specific thing to work on during their demo.  Suzie is told that she needs to focus. Jyll is told to surprise them and decides to surprise herself in the process.  Mary Beth needs to own her food and talk about it like it belongs to someone else.  Vic is told to be more of an expert.  His show is currently called "Mama's Boy" and has a shit-tastic bib-based logo. Chris is making gnocchi...not sure that's gonna end well. Penny sets something besides men's hearts on fire at the end of prep.  Dave points out that she has the ability to be relatable like she was in the Fourth of July episode, but she doesn't really use that ability.  During prep, Jeff appears to be having too much fun with the Slap Chop.  Uh oh, he's sauteeing peas...I hope he learned from Carissa not to pea on the floor.  "Or make any ball jokes," Dave adds.  

During demo, Jyll goes from not having a plan to having one that falls somewhat flat.  Whitney shines as she talks about her yellow gazpacho.  I comment, "Whitney was in a sorority?  We're not surprised!"  She's always been perky.  Here comes Chris with gluey gnocchi, trying to tell the viewers how to do everything in one minute.  Although he tried to do too much and wasn't able to focus, he did manage to end his spiel perfectly on the one-minute mark.  Jeff tries to be warmer by lowering his voice and succeeds only in putting us to sleep.  Mary Beth can't tell us what's uniquely hers about her spaghetti and meatballs.  Suzie demonstrates making tortillas but needs some more focus.  Dave comments that she's teaching us to eat a raw tortilla, but she did actually put it in the pan for a bit.  Penny isn't descriptive enough in her demo, telling the viewer to "put this in here."  What's this and where's here?  Once again, Penny's food is great and her personality sucks.  The selection committee tells her that's not gonna fly at Food Network, but the question is, how desperate are they for a Middle Eastern chef?  Vic is so busy telling us about the ingredients of his food that he doesn't get any actual cooking done.  Suddenly it hits Dave, "Speaking of sending people home, where's Susie been?"  Maybe they want to avoid confusion between contestant-Suzie and judge-Susie?

Dave is surprised at Whitney being named the clear winner.  I comment that the judges loved her food, and Dave replies, "Well, maybe I need to rewind and lick the tv then!"  I don't think he'd enjoy that very much...too much dust to go with the little zap.  Dave, can you describe how a little zap tastes?  Whitney wasn't necessarily the best on camera, but she did the best job at doing exactly what the judges told her to focus on.  As we cut to commercial, we see a clip where Mary Beth actually has her arm around Penny.  I guess forcing them together worked!

As we come back from commercial, there's a knock at the door of the house, and Jeff comments that, "No one ever knocks on our door except the pizza guy."  I guess after all that cooking on camera they don't want to cook at home, but I could see off-camera cooking being an effective intimidation technique if done well.  The contestants are told they are making one course each for the judges (including Susie this time) and Wolfgang Puck.  They are limited to the ingredients that are in the house at the time, leading Dave to call it the Five Ingredient Fix Challenge.  Whitney assigns the courses, and Chris hopes he doesn't get dessert...which of course he does.  Let's hope he can do better than the cakes for the dessert channel.  Penny and Mary Beth go shopping with Whitney and find it to be a Universal Female Bonding Experience.

Suzie improvises on her cheese course based on her knowledge that a kind of Latin American cheese can actually be approximated with feta.  Chris decides to bake cake without any recipe but the one for disaster.  Even when I've created my own recipe for a baked good, I've at least started with a couple of recipes and combined them together, and even then it didn't come out quite right the first time.  This isn't the time to try and slide by on "not quite right!"  Whitney lets people do what they want rather than taking control as the team leader...that didn't end well for Jyll and I doubt it'll end well for Whitney either. 

Since Mary Beth is going shopping, Chris can get at least some of his baking done before Mary Beth needs the oven if he moves his butt.  Chris accuses other contestants of sabotage for changing the oven temperature.  Chris, the Paranoia Help Line is free, Penny's off of it!  Besides, if you're working without a recipe, you have no right to bitch about what temperature the oven is.  Jyll is having issues with her risotto and refuses Whitney's advice, which is interesting given her later wail of, "Why didn't anyone stop me?" 
Mary Beth thinks her dish will be great because she writes about food so well.  You know, I'm a food blogger now, too, but that doesn't mean I can cook well enough to be the next Food Network star.  With five minutes left, Jeff puts on his headband.  Uh oh, that means everything he did up till now will be ruined because he didn't have his Mojo Monk Headband on!  Dave comments, "Hey, if that's all he needs to get his confidence up, more power to him."  That's true, but still, if you give us something to snark on, we're going to snark on it.  At the end of their cooking time, the contestants cheer and open a bottle of champagne.  Jyll, I'm not sure you should be the one opening that champagne, thinking about that risotto, hon.  Dave points out, "It did look better than some of those risottos I saw last night on Hell's Kitchen, though."  True, but that's not saying much.

Jeff comes back with a perfect presentation of his beef carpaccio.  Vic presents well, although he has a stance like a drill sergeant.  Mary Beth owns her dish and talks it up, but her food doesn't live up to the star billing.  Even Bobby says it has a little too much cayenne pepper.  Penny is surprisingly warm and teaches us a bit of Farsi in her presentation, which I enjoy because the last time I learned any Farsi it was in Not Without my Daughter in middle school.  Jyll gets a crash course in making risotto from Wolfgang Puck.  A sweet corn risotto does sound good, but it needs to actually be made right.  I do like Puck taking the time to show her how to do it, even if she is embarrassed, rather than just telling her, "This sucks and you're screwed."  Puck tells Jyll to always use a small pan, which is interesting given how much success I had making risotto in a wok.  Jyll holds it together and keeps herself from bursting into tears like Alicia, and Susie says it still seems fake to her.  Jyll, don't give up after one bomb...at least you didn't break/cut your finger on camera like Mario Batali.  Whitney continues her improvement in what will hopefully be enough to keep her safe.  Suzie wows the crowd with her feta-filled chile relleno.  Chris says twice during his presentation that he's not very familiar with dessert, and Bobby puts his finger to his head like a gun.  I'm sure that Chris is going home, and Dave adds, "Chris, why don't you just throw yourself in the pool while you're at it?"  Hey, if it's as hot there as it has been here... 

At least when Julia Child apologized on camera, it was with the idea of brushing the food off and going on.  "No excuses!"  Unlike Chris, Suzie did not apologize for her food even when she didn't have the right ingredients, even when she was being interrogated by the judges after the dessert battle about her churro pancakes.  Dave agrees that Chris is going home but adds, "Jyll, Jyll, I like you a lot, girl, but you're in trouble."  Good thing for Jyll that, since it's midterms, they're looking at everything so far and not just performance in this episode.  They keep showing Jyll with her face in her hands, but we think that's in surprise at not getting sent home.  Honey, just keep it together in the evaluation room and don't be like Alicia.  They also keep showing the judges saying, "You're going home," and then cutting to a shot of Vic, which almost guarantees that they're not cutting him. 

Whitney is told in evaluation that she still needs to reach out more.  She's made progress and won't go home this weekend, but she won't win either.  Suzie is asked to share more about herself and cries as she tells the group about her upbringing and how hard she had to work to get to and through culinary school.  At this point, I think Suzie's the frontrunner.  We get reminded about Jeff's All-Bran joke...I really didn't need to be reminded of it.  He gets asked about why he didn't make a sandwich and replied that he wanted to please Wolfgang Puck instead of doing a sandwich.  What I would have loved to see would have been the carpaccio wrapped around something and called an Inside-Out Sandwich.  Penny is told to open up and let more of herself out, and Dave wonders whether there is anything else in there to let out.  Aside from drama?  I'm not sure.  Giada just looks annoyed at Chris, and Bobby smacks him down like a red-headed stepchild for the lobster wrap.  As he continues, Bobby even sounds like the parent of a recalcitrant teenager!  As they get ready to eliminate people, Dave and I both think Chris and Mary Beth are heading out the door.  Jyll, Chris, Mary Beth, and Penny are the ones up for elimination.  Dave comments that at least Chris has gotten better from "Get the %^&* off my tv."  Still, I do hope he gets the *(%& off my tv for good tonight.  Bobby comments in the private deliberations about Chris coming off as confident.  To me, Chris doesn't come across as confident so much as brash.  Chris is sent home and then we get to see whether Penny and Mary Beth get to say BFFs or not.  We think that next they'll tell Penny she's safe, but instead they tell Mary Beth she's safe.  Dave notices that Bobby looks like he doesn't agree with that decision. "That's just the most miserable expression I've ever seen on his face, even when he was getting his ass whipped by Morimoto in Iron Chef Japan.  He doesn't want to see Penny go.  He loves her food and doesn't want to let her go."  Yep, Penny goes home.  She says, "I'm glad I got an opportunity to bring my culture and my food to the Food Network."  Penny, you showed that the Food Network needs your culture and your food.  They just need someone who's not a bitch to do it.  Dave disagrees about her being a bitch, saying she just needs to open up.  "The closest she ever got to being open was back at the beginning of the season when she was trying to sex things up with Stilettos in the Kitchen, and that was just a disaster conceptually."

So, six of them left.  Is there anyone other than Suzie or Vic that looks like they could be a winner in this group?  Dave thinks that Jyll doesn't stand out enough, especially when compared to Melissa d'Arabian.  I want Suzie to win at this point.  I like Vic a lot, but in terms of bringing something new, Vic is like Guy Fieri and Michael Symon rolled into one.  I don't know if that one woman who had a Latin American cooking show is off the air now or just relegated to weekend mornings, but I like the way Suzie does it.  Vic makes American food.  He does it special, he does it Vegas-style, but he makes American food.  There's not enough ethnic food on the Food Network.  There's plenty of things where I can learn new techniques, but I would learn a lot more that's new to me from someone like Suzie or Penny (I would say Debbie, but I already know that soy sauce and garlic are Korean!).  Mary Beth still looks to Dave like she'll be the next one to go.  Whitney's improving, but she won't last to the end.  Jeff's doing something new that's not on Food Network now, but he's not a frontrunner.  Dave thinks he could end up as a dark horse, but we have seen the dark horse win before...look at Aaron McCargo, Jr.

Next week they're on Rachel Ray and we see from the preview that Mary Beth likes a good bone.  Not sure what to make of that, but we'll see.

Food Network Star 7/10/11

First of all, I have to apologize for the long hiatus between recaps.  We've been a bit busy over here in SnarkLand, between a vacation, a wedding, a conference, countless hours of driving, and several hours of not driving after I totaled my car (I'm relatively ok).

Now that we have that out of the way, let's fire up the Wayback Machine and go all the way back to July 10.  This episode weaves the Camera Challenge and Star Challenge together as the contestants make commercials for the food trucks they are later running.  So, my first thought is, how did food trucks get so popular?  When I think of food trucks, I think of the mobile taquerias and pupusa stands in Langley Park, not gourmet and Food Network, but there have been food trucks on everything from their own FN show to Celebrity Apprentice.

As the teams get randomly chosen, Mary Beth and Penny end up together again.  Let's see if they can make nice two weeks in a row.  Vic decides that his take on this project is going to be to "stick to originality but infuse something new," and Dave and I wonder, isn't originality the same thing as something new?  Only difference is that "originality" doesn't rhyme with "something blue!"  Jeff the Silly Sandwich King decides that his team is missing Chris' frat-boy sense of humor and names their truck Balls on a Roll.  Dave wonders if his team is going to have enough good ideas to make the theme work. 

The teams each shoot their commercial, and we learn what Orchid's crutch phrase is as she uses "really great" three times in about 20 seconds.  Penny cozies up enough to Chris in their wrap truck commercial to make Dave ask, "Is that the only thing you want to wrap up, Penny?"  Penny actually gives compliments in this episode, which makes me wonder what her scheme is.  During the shopping, Whitney buys canned cooked chickpeas instead of raw ones for her falafel balls, forgetting Food Network Star Lesson #1: Shortcuts Generally Fail.  Later, Whitney is saying, "I hope it works out," and Dave replies, "Don't worry, you're obsessing about it, so it won't."

The diners each have to choose which truck they are going to eat from, which makes for an interesting dynamic as the truck name and commercials are all they have to go by.  As two of the trucks have long lines and the third has no line, I start to wonder later in the episode if people are allowed to change lines once they choose. Bobby clearly enjoys the first two commercials, but I wonder about whether he'll laugh at the Balls on a Roll clip.  He does end up laughing, but it comes across as more of the incredulous laugh you have when someone has a Facebook status that you sincerely hope is made up.

During this episode, we learn that Jeff's red headband was blessed by a monk in Indiana.  No wonder it collects mojo!  Jeff gives headbands to Whitney and Suzie so they look like a team, but I think Whitney's needs a little more mojo.  Over at the wrap truck, Mary Beth says that her chicken wrap is "completely delicious," but we think it's "completely boring."  Penny's taking FOREVER with prep, to the point where she doesn't have a single wrap close to ready when the diners arrive.  A huge line forms as the diners wait for her filet wraps, and Mary Beth shows herself to be a real team player by going out and walking up and down the line engaging the customers and keeping them cheerful despite the wait.  If people are allowed to change lines, Mary Beth's efforts here are especially important.  Jeff's balls weren't getting a lot of action, so his "line" probably looked more tempting the hungrier people got.  Chris gets a little overshadowed in the wrap truck until the judges come around.  Chris calls his lobster wrap "a nice butter-poached lobster with a little cream cheese."  Problem is, it's actually a little lobster with a ton of cream cheese.  Chris describes it as being like crab rangoon; Dave thinks this is appropriate since he never notices the seafood in those either. 

We haven't seen a whole lot of Orchid so far, and this continues as the judges arrive.  Orchid, honey, the way to make an impression on the selection committee is not to punt to Vic when asked about your food!  Dave thinks Orchid will be safe from elimination, not on her own merits, but because Vic and Jyll will keep this from being the losing truck and because she had the strongest of the weakest three dishes.  "Jeff's food will save him.  Same for Penny, despite being so late with it.  Right now, I could see Chris or Whitney going home."  Let's see how correct Dave's prediction ends up being. 

Before judging, Jeff says, "I think this will be my lowest point so far."  I don't think so, Jeff, because your food was good. (I initially typed "goof" there, which would work for Jeff or Chris!)  Dave notes that, "Penny, what sucks is that you would be a standout without the attitude."  When evaluating the fusion truck, Giada says, "It's fun to see, Vic, how you've grown."  Dave chimes in with, "Yeah, plus you're actually serving food now!."  Whereas Orchid "coulda been a contenda" if she had just grown during the last few weeks instead of remaining stagnant.

The bottom three are Mary Beth (despite the overabundance of cream cheese in Chris' wrap), Orchid, and Whitney.  Dave thinks, "It's either Orchid or Whitney.  The big thing is that they're very clearly getting impatient with Whitney.  She'll go home and Orchid will be next if she doesn't do something next week."  While the judges deliberate, Giada says about Whitney, "Sometimes, when someone's trying to figure out who they are, they try on a lot of extremes," and I reply, "Like Justin D?"  Dave adds, "Look how that worked for him." 

Dave comments, "I think they're being a little unfair to Orchid. Sure, she doesn't have a strong personality, but look at where the winner is starting out. Vic, with a little tweaking, could almost do Triple D right now.  Orchid is the one who can teach you how to make a certain style of food in the kitchen.  She's closer than the selection committee is giving her credit for."  Yeah, but she doesn't have the personality of a Melissa or an Aarti or a Jyll.  In the end, Orchid is eliminated.  Well, Dave, you did think Orchid was going home next week if she didn't bring something major."

We'll see how quickly I can get my stuff together to write another recap.  Dave and I started experimenting with having a digital voice recorder running while we watch the show instead of writing all of out comments down, and we'll have to see how the sound quality works out.

Oh, Baby....

Saw this on GraphJam the other day... It had made my day!


see more Funny Graphs

Makes me think of the video I saw years ago with clips of Rachael Ray really enjoying her food (or at least looking like it) on $40 a Day. Whether you like or dislike Rachael, this video is a trip...