Dave asked me if I was up for snarking tonight. I told him I could snark if snarking were called for. Bonus SnarkFood Points (redeemable nowhere) for whoever gets that reference.
Dave needs to watch the recap for once because he forgets which loser we got rid of last time. Chino? I think so. That's right, this was the episode with no winners. Dave notes that Chino can close his mouth now, cause it sure as heck shouldn't have been a shock to him.
And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen, as if we couldn't tell that each episode except a season premiere is the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. I really wish Elise would shut her mouth already. I think I wish she would get off my tv as much as Dave wanted Chris off of his tv. Dave comments that at least no one can describe Elise as passive-aggressive, cause there is no passive there! As I type, I recall why I never forget how to spell "aggressive." Years of marching band in high school meant years of hearing the cheerleaders spell it as part of a cheer.
The contestants come downstairs to a scene out of Dexter's Laboratory, and Dave comments that it must be West Virginia Moonshine Week! After all, it was in WV that he had his first and only moonshine. Man, I didn't know anyone seriously made moonshine anymore before that. He claims to remember what happened in the first quarter of that football game... Me, I'm remembering the Maryland band drummers playing Green Acres and the rhyme my friend LeeAnn made up involving "my hair is in a mullet, with my teeth I open beer. I like the taste of possum, cause I'm a Mountaineer!"
The contestants get to work with food scientists who make pizza that changes flavor to a dessert as you eat it. Dave wonders when Willy Wonka is going to walk in and thought he had retired after turning the factory over to Charlie. Well, he can't exactly turn that kind of thing off...
The contestants get to choose a protein and cook it with only fire and water: steaming, boiling and poaching. The red team needs to choose one dish not to use, and Dave lays his money on it being Carrie's. Looks that way, since they give her the same meat that another team member is using and they have to have each one represented. The team chooses Elizabeth's dish, but Ramsay points out that most of them haven't even tasted Carrie's dish. Elise replies that she tastes with her eyes first and liked the look of Elizabeth's dish better. Dave thinks that it's reasonable to taste with the eyes first, but I reply that you do still have to taste with your tongue to accurately decide...if you actually care about accurately deciding at least. Dave's doing that silly two-thumbs thing as he says, "Who called it? This guy!" He goes on, "Face it girls, Carrie's going to be around for a while because she's good tv. Besides, she's not as incompetent as you think. She blew a kiss in the opening sequence, though, so we know she won't win." I'd like to see her moved to the blue team to see how she could do.
Jonathon's filet "looked like a train wreck, but it's the best-tasting damned train wreck you'll ever see!" Maybe it was, but you still lost to the better presentation from Jennifer and the red team. Ramsay puts his face in his hands at Monterray's prawns Benedict even before knowing how overcooked the prawns were. Dave notes that there's broccoli on the plate; I respond that it's broccoli rabe, and Dave says he doesn't care if it's broccoli Rob or broccoli John or what. Elizabeth's dish lacks seasoning, and Ramsay asks to try Carrie's dish. He tells the red team they put the wrong dish up and awards no points for prawns. The red team's salmon is overcooked, and Will shows his food chops by having cooked the egg over his salmon in a double boiler as was done in days of yore. Point for blue. Tattoo Man Tommy puts too much on his plate and actually says, "I don't really think when I do things, I just do them." That is not exactly conducive to long life on this show...Tommy's fortune would instead be "Hope the lotto numbers work." Gina wins easily. Dave comments that poaching is best for the guinea hen, salmon, and lobster and that he would like to try that out sometime to expand his repertoire. Elise's lobster is rubbery, and Paul ties it up. No surprise that Will and Paul earn points for the blue team. Natalie is told her veal terrine has a texture like cat food...maybe for Koko! Krupa, don't tell them your veal sauce is delicious because that makes them expect it not to be. It's delicious, but it's not actually veal, it's filet. Again no points are awarded, and we have a tie, but Ramsay blasts the red team for the meat mistake and for leaving the best dish on the side. Yes, folks, he said Carrie's dish was not just better than Elizabeth's, it was the best on the team. How do ya like them apples, Elise?! Dave comments, "So blue team wins by default...default-of-de-other-team. Ramsay thanks his honoured (he is a Brit after all) guests and, off camera, apologizes to them for all the crap they had to eat."
Elise is griping again and blaming the loss on Krupa. Um, honey, you didn't earn your team a point either. Ramsay tells the red team they're going to get wet, scrubbing the hot tub and the fountain. Hmmm, I hope it wasn't filmed in winter...then again in LA, it probably doesn't matter much. The blue team gets to go to a spa, which sounds great until Ramsay announces dinner service is tonight. Don't get too relaxed, blue team! The red team is blaming the loss on Krupa for the tiebreaker, conveniently forgetting that all of them but Carrie are to blame since the decision was also made based on them rejecting her dish without bothering to taste it. Elise comments that her pissedivity level is high and she has not patience today. First of all, who made you the Neologist of LA, and second of all, when have you ever had patience? At the spa,Will gets his brows waxed while Jonathon has the intelligence to stay FAR away from hot wax. And yes, this is the girl in the house saying that waxing is idiotic. Will says his brows look great...metrosexual much?
As they prep for dinner service, Elise talks about how "we" will do. Elise, you never have a real "we" in your vocabulary. There is tableside halibut sashimi tonight, served by Jennifer and Natalie. Dave comments that they are both hereby safe from elimination, since they have infinitely more sense than Salvatore. Let's see how the blue team does without Natalie helping hold them together. At the beginning the blue team is communicating nicely. Ramsay asks who made the red team's risotto, and Krupa is to blame. Dave comments that it looks watery but than catches himself and notes that he shouldn't really criticize risotto when he's never made it. Seriously, honey, you haven't even had that many risottos! Jonathon is on garnish and keeps having trouble remembering what garnish goes with what entree. Man, and Dave had thought he would be the best of the dinner trio of him, Monterray, and Tommy! Gina doesn't open her mouth, even when Ramsay asks how much time until she is ready. Too bad we can't average her and Chino. He sends Krupa upstairs to cool her heels while her team finishes without her. That's too bad, since she had looked really good the first couple of weeks. The red team starts getting appetizers out again, partially because of...Carrie! Dave points out that they'll still probably put her up for elimination and directs me to call them the red "team" for the rest of tonight. The blue team's cod has reddish-brown corners from being overdone to the point where it looks to me like tako. Dave thinks it looks like that poor fish just got out of Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib. I'll take jokes we couldn't have made 10 years ago for $600, Alex.
The blue diners are waiting for entrees as the red team catches up, and we find out that they are keeping the bread baskets full. Tommy still can't cook fish and Gina still won't open her mouth except to say, "Yes, Chef." After tonight, those two will really be livin' on a prayer, or at least on the backs of even dumber compadres. If I were Gina, I'd be dreaming of Elise running away! Monterray and Tommy get sent upstairs to join Krupa. Whoa, wait a minute, which one of them said they had everything clockwork perfect, Tommy? Seriously? Clockwork Orange perfect, maybe! He seriously thinks he didn't deserve to be thrown out. Um, Tommy, we saw the Dick Cheney Special cod, you don't have a leg to stand on. Gina sends Ramsay raw sea bass...the sashimi was the first course, sweetheart. Dave comments, "Raw bass? There's a Gossip Girl joke just waiting to be made here." Yes, dears, the Y chromosome in the house (besides Kechara) made the GG reference!
Ramsay throws out Gina and Elise (since Elise didn't have her garnishes at the right time thanks to Gina's lack of communication). For once, we actually agree with Elise about not deserving to be sent away and not being the worst on the team. Dave comments that the worst person was the first one to be sent up, Krupa. Ramsay tells the teams he can't see a leader anywhere; Dave replies that he can see at least two, maybe more. "They may be rare, but they're not raw." Both teams lose, which means Gina and Tommy are indeed livin' on a prayer. This should be easy: Krupa, Gina, Monterray, and Tommy. Dave: "If you send up anyone else, you're an idiot. Yeah, you can make a case for Tommy, but it's not a very good case, not compared to the other two." Whoa, Elise doesn't nominate Carrie! The look on Carrie's face looks to Dave as if she had been nominated, but I think that's just surprise. Elise once again bitches about people taking things out on her, takes it all personally, and says it's not about the team. But Dave comes back at her, "Elise, if you WERE a team, you wouldn't be having to nominate anybody!" Carrie's just glad that, finally, she's not up there herself. For once, some of the red team got at least a little bit smart!
Paul names the blue team's nominees: Monterray and Tommy. No surprises there. When it comes time for the red team, Ramsay asks if they've come to a consensus. No, they haven't come to a consensus, they've just picked nominees. The red team nominates Krupa, and we get a commercial break before the second nominee. I don't know why they're bothering to wait before naming Gina...oh, wait, I was wrong, they nominated Elise! Dave tells the red team they're not as smart as he thought they were. Elise tells Ramsay, "If you give me a second chance, I promise I won't be up here a third time." Wait a second, if you're talking about a third time, aren't you already on your second chance? Dave comments, "I don't really think when I say things, I just say them. Oh, wait, that's Tommy." Monterray is asked whether he's the worst chef in his kitchen and Dave overrides him by saying yes. Ramsay pulls Gina from the safe group at the back and sends her home. Gina thanks him for the opportunity and Dave comments, "You said something other than 'yes, Chef.' Unfortunately, it was too late."
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