Hell's Kitchen - 18 Chefs

Here at Snarkfoods we're going to go crazy if we're just watching terrible "chefs" cook. So let's tackle Hell's Kitchen too instead of Worst Cooks for a minute - the 15th season of Hell's Kitchen, as a matter of fact. Gordon hasn't had a stroke or aneurysm yet, so we have 18 chefs vying to be his newest chef at....Bally's in Vegas. It's a slight downgrade from Caesar's Palace seen in previous years, but at least it's close by. 

Matter of fact, let's head to Vegas RIGHT NOW. The first test will not be in Hell's Kitchen, but will take place at BLT Steak in Vegas where the winner will assume his/her place. 

(Yes they got off the bus at Caesar's, but the parade...across the Strip.....takes them to Bally's. I've walked this distance. It ain't that far.)

How come when I pop a balloon there isn't a Vegas showgirl that pops out? Nice opening though. Winter is coming after all. 

In the signature dish challenge at BLT, there are a few standouts - that remind us of Worst Cooks in America. Mark (Black mussels with chorizo) serves a bland dish that causes Gordon to just shake his head and sigh. Meese served a pork loin that is dry as a bone. Vanessa, who cooks for first class passengers, serves an eggplant dish that Gordon "wouldn't serve to coach class". Kevin served a chicken ceasar pizza that looks terrible, uses prepared dough, and uses premade caesar salad dressing which prompts Gordon to wonder why the hell he is there - I think we have an early leader for the first elimination from Kevin. Alan's maple-glazed salmon gets questions as to why maple glaze was put into a risotto - strange. 

2 - Sharkenna (crab stuffed salmon), Ashley (ostrich filet), 

3 - Eddie (Bambi tenderloin), Frank (Penne a la vodka), Joe (creamy polenta), Jackie (seared scallop - just one - but tasty), Kristin, whose food was recommended by her probation officer (grilled pork tenderloin with garlic aioli), Ariel (Shakshuska, a middle eastern dish I hadn't heard of before but looks pretty good), Manda (corn-flake fried scallops, weird like her as she says). 

Danni (pan-seared scallops with Thai Curry sauce), Jared (halibut on Alaskan king crab cake), Chad (partridge breast) and Hassan (pan-seared scallops) impress Gordon with nice dishes to score 4's. 

The men win with Hassan's scallops providing a 1-point win. The men's reward is a nice observation tour on the High Roller and VIP exclusivity at a nightclub. The ladies get to go to the Bally's buffet to prep it - including a thousand pounds of potatoes. 

The next day we are back in LA, prepping for dinner service. Knives, dorms, and jackets are given and we're ready to go - maybe. Joe has trouble hearing the first order and Alan screws up every order of scallops after his first batch while also firing tuna early without an order coming in. Vanessa is so flustered on the appetizer station that the ENTIRE TEAM has to take over her station. 

The rest of the red team pulls together nicely and has a smooth service. They all fill in well on the appetizers, and Sharkenna nails her Wellington dishes. They don't have any problems that get broadcast and finish the service - not bad!

The blue team doesn't fare as well. Gordon eventually has enough of burned pizzas, raw scallops, undercooked risotto, and eventually blue patrons leaving that he sends the blue team upstairs. Jared and Eddie came in from tableside service to help in the kitchen from being so far behind, but it didn't help. Undercooked lobster is the last straw as Gordon exiles the blue team from the kitchen. The signature dish win now means nothing. Congrats boys!

Elimination discussion - Alan, Mark and Kevin all deserve to go home from the dinner service - and they all got 1's on the signature dish challenge to boot. Mark and Kevin get nominated, and Mark is sent home - surprised me, I thought Kevin would go based on just how awful his dish was in the signature challenge and how lost he looked but he lasts another week. 

Next week: Partying, gyrations, nudity, hangovers, and distractions for our remaining 17 chefs. Also, sumo wrestling - BOOBS! Man-boobs, but still. 

GONE: Mark

HOT SEAT: Kevin, Vanessa, Alan

FRONTRUNNER: Damned if I know, but the entire red team except Vanessa would qualify I guess. 

Hell's Kitchen Finale 9/19/11

I decided to skip the 6 episodes in between in order to catch the finale on the night it airs.  I'll go back afterwards and snark the highlights.

So we join Elise, Paul, Tommy, and Will as they have survived to the end.  Given this lineup, I'm rooting for Will without a doubt.  Will describes himself as a machine in the kitchen, and Dave points out that HK relies on technical skills while Food Network Star relies on cooking and presenting with emotion.  Will (and probably most of the good HK chefs) would probably be miserable on FNS. We see that Jennifer was the second-to-last woman in the kitchen.  I can definitely see that...she was quiet but strong in the early episodes.

For the challenge, we have the traditional family visit with then recreating a dish.  Let's see who is inspired by it and who is distracted.  Tommy barely stops kissing his cute little 19-year-old long enough to say maybe they should get married when he gets home.  Yeah, that's romantic, especially with his mom sitting right next to him.  Will says he's fired up and waiting to kill everyone around and switch the bodies.  Trust the Jersey boy to say that! 

This one is a fish dish, with the group divided between monkfish, cod, and halibut.  Most wrapped it in prosciutto, but Tommy wraps his with serrano ham.  Chef gives them a little more guidance than he usually does, pointing out that they can cook up two different fishes and go with what seemed right at the end.  Tommy was wrong on the serrano ham, and the fish is...the commercial break.  Or actually, it's Paul's cod.  Better than than when he was thinking with his codpiece with the Swiss car racer!  Elise starts sniffling again.  Will owns up to the fact that he has no one to blame but himself.  Paul and his brother get to go to a Dodgers game and meet Tommy Lasorda and Don Mattingly.  What is this, the season of athletes?  Paul says it doesn't get any better than this, which just about guarantees that he won't win.  Ramsay throws out the first pitch and gets it to the plate.  Then he brings them hot dogs in their box seats.  The losers get to clean the apartment, and they find plates of food under some beds and a broken wineglass beside another. 

Two people are going home after dinner service, with the added fun of each of the contestants taking a turn at the pass.  What tricks do our souschefs have up their sleeves?  Paul misses lobster in the cappellini as a setup, but he does catch Tommy's mistake of raw fish.

And then Dave goes ballistic.

Paul is still getting on Tommy about not giving times for his fish, at which point it's pointed out from Elise, "If they're already flustered, there's no point in screaming and yelling at anybody.  That's not leadership."  Dave explodes, "WHAT?  Hello, pot, kettle, black!"  (as Jessie adds, "And Omarosa screams in rage from whatever cave the troll is hiding in.")

Tommy is a disaster at the pass, unable to keep anything straight or catch the sabotage in the order from James.  Dave comments that, "Tommy is being run by the kitchen.  This is a textbook example of it."  Elise is next, and Paul comments that she needs to put up or shut up.  She does manage to catch parsnip puree for mashed potatoes after mistaking cauliflower puree for the potatoes.  Tommy calls her "babe" at the pass...no wonder he can only get a 19-year-old to date him!  Elise says she needs carrots yesterday, and Dave comments that saying you need something yesterday is a great way to piss people off.  Will is last up at the pass and starts out strong, repeating back the times he is given from his troops.  He catches Scott's sabotage almost before Scott lets go of the plate.  Elise starts screwing up on garnish enough to make Will wonder if she's trying to sabotage him.  Unfortunately, he focuses on her to the extent that he loses control of the kitchen.

Dave rewinds and analyzes the Anatomy of a Meltdown: "Here's where it all falls apart: Will says, in front of everyone in the kitchen, 'Attitude and a half on a girl that can't cook for shit.'  Look, I know this from experience: you can think whatever you want about the people that work for you.  You can think they're not competent.  But the moment you let that be known and make it so that they know you think it too, you've lost them.  And that's what happens here.  All of Will's people have lost confidence in him as a leader, and it shows.  Very bad form, Will."

The chefs do start responding to Will eventually and he finishes his time at the pass.  Well, there's no question who the strongest one was: Paul wasn't perfect, but he was able to do anything.  Tommy thinks it went well as a whole?  We think he was the worst!  So does Chef Ramsay, as the first decision is to send him home.  And then there were three.  Chef asks them each why they deserve to be in the final...he didn't even wait to do this before sending Tommy out.  Will is the first one into the final where we thought it would be Paul.  Paul versus Will is going to be a great contest!  Dave and I were watching tensely to make sure that was the matchup we would get, and we were right.  Will proves he's a class act by telling Elise she has nothing to be ashamed of, and Ramsay allows her to keep the jacket.  The question is, how will Elise handle not being in charge when the contestants come back to serve as sous chef?

By the way, Elise, some of our parting contestants may receive the following: a set of five leadership courses, courtesy of Alpha Phi Omega National Service Fraternity, for the low, low price of a college course at a participating university plus $65 payable in two installments.

And now, the conclusion of Hell's Kitchen.  Will and Paul were two of the strongest contestants from the beginning, and I'd be happy to see either of them win, but I'm rooting for Will.  They're sent upstairs to work on their menus, and Dave advises them to not get too drunk on the champagne in the apartment.  They're taken out to dinner, where they become the chefs.  Paul falls for the trick, showing that he hasn't paid enough attention in previous seasons.  He says he feels like a culinary rock star and notices all the girls.  Thinking with your cod again, Paul?  Will asks Andi what she thinks about a red "pesto," and she sounds impressed as she says, "That's hot."  Now we know what gets Andi excited!

Will's showing more confidence in the tasting, as Paul is showing his nerves.  Guys, it's all going to come down to the last dish anyway!  Both fish dishes are a touch overdone, but Paul gets the point.  Will ties it up again, of course, as the taster takes another bite of his ribeye.  We both think Paul's filet dish looked more appealing, but Will wins it.  Paul has a genuine smile and an enthusiastic clap for Will.  Again, I like both of these guys.  As the guys get to choose their souschefs, Ramsay asks who's going to help them out.  I add, who's going to fuck them up. Will picks Tommy first, Paul picks Elise since he doesn't have the bad blood with her.  Will picks Krupa and leaves Carrie for Paul, not because he doesn't think Carrie is good but because he wants Paul to have to deal with having Elise and Carrie on the same team.  Elise is threatening to beat the crap out of Carrie afterwards and then trying to debate with Paul about what station he gets.

Will is teaching his team the menu.  He draws a quail that looks like female anatomy and a quail leg and thigh combo that looks like male anatomy.  Jennifer comments that he needs to get out of HK and gets laid.  The day of dinner service, Will appears more calm than Paul.  Chef tells Paul that two of his dishes need serious work, and Paul walks out to cool down. 

Dave comments, "It doesn't matter what any of his team is wondering.  Paul is doing the best thing for himself right now: getting away for a few minutes to calm down, compose himself, find his focus, and not show his being frazzled in front of his team.  A leader needs to look the part of confidence in his team at all times, even if he/she doesn't always believe it (though actually believing it is a lot better).  I've found this to be a weakness in myself, and it really showed several times last season in curling: I needed to look more confident in my team (and myself too) when things weren't going as well as we would have liked.  What was the result for us?  Almost any time the game was close, we lost: literally.  We went something like 1-9 in games that came down to the very end.  That's simply confidence, and my teammates told me that I needed to show it."  I can't blame Paul for tearing up there, either, even before hearing him talk about his late mother...that's a lot of emotion there.  It's not like Elise crying about losing.

When Paul comes back, he's more inspiring than Will.  He said he wants his team to show tonight what got them as far as they got and tells them that this is for his mom.  The question is, will this push him beyond what he can do on his own, or will the weight of it crush him?  Elise says she's not bitter and she wants to help Paul win.  Still, she screws up her first app and sets a pan on fire on her second try.  As they get to entrees, Elise is louder than Paul once Chinua Achebe shows up and things fall apart.  Dave points out that few other bloggers would reference Achebe...I guess I'm just special that way.  Elise, who the hell are you to call Jonathon or anyone else a crybaby?  Are you going to bring back "dum-dum" next?

Paul replaces Jonathon with Elise on the meat station, and it starts to look like Will needs to replace Krupa on fish.  Elise then moves over to Carrie's garnish station and calls it "Operation Save-a-Ho."  Oh, yes, she did.  Will does replace Krupa with Natalie, who asks Krupa about a piece of fish, "What is it supposed to be?"  Krupa shows her mad fishy skillz by responding, "Cooked."  Dave tells Krupa that she has given him enough confidence to consider auditioning, since she made it halfway through the season.  Paul gets more and more agitated as he tells his team to push.  I'm not sure I want to see him in a birthing room someday!  At the end, Paul points out that he's the only person who's been able to get Elise and Carrie to work together.

Each of them says they don't think they won, and they seem genuine about it rather than pretending to be modest.  Dave thinks it goes to Will.  I kinda do, too, but I'm not sure.  Paul is pacing, and Will asks if he can join in.  Judging or joining?  Joining, apparently.  Dave points out that it would be really awful if the phone rang and it was a wrong number.  Paul's handle is a little lower than Will's, which makes me wonder.  Holy crap, it is Paul!  He did manage to do it for his mom, which has to be as special for his brother as for him. 

I hope the outtakes at the end make it onto YouTube, cause those were great!

Dave concludes, "It's nice to see some new things coming up in Hell's Kitchen.  It's nice to see a little more of the softer side of Gordon, more of what we've seen every once in a while with Masterchef and Kitchen Nightmares (especially the British version).  Sure, I love seeing some of the same things like the blind taste test, the "roll the dice for ingredients (and don't say figs!)" challenge, and the taste-it-and-make-it challenge.  And yeah, you know Gordon's gonna be a hard-ass, period.  But it's nice to see a little something different coming out this season.  It's too easy for a show like this to do the same thing over and over; adding little things to keep it fresh brings people back again and again."

Hell's Kitchen 8/8/11

Ooh, now the description calls it a lavish prize!

Let's see if Paul can come back from the last episode.  Jonathon describes getting called up for elimination as Ramsay needing to point out some weaknesses in him for him to work on.  I like that attitude.  After the elimination, we have more drunken shenanigans, this time from Krupa.  Fortunately not Soup Shenanigans.  Unfortunately, she's hungover for the team challenge.  We meet a couple of beer sommaliers...beermaliers?...and see what they would do with different ingredients.  Jonathon says, "You had me at baby back ribs."  Each dish for the team challenge has to involve beer, but as Dave points out, the challengers are taking rather large "samples" of the different beers.  Tommy points out to Jonathon to "think of colors," which Dave notes is surprisingly insightful as Tommy is trying to be ridiculous in impressing the blond judge.

Krupa manages to flambe her beer...not sure if she was trying to do that or not.  The girls have to drop one dish since they have one more member than the blue team, and for once they drop someone other than Carrie!  They do rank Carrie as the last one to make the cut, but Ramsay calls her dish the best one she's ever made.  Paul's dish (ranked last) involves Heffe-why-zen broth that makes one of the tasters choke on the bitterness.  Jonathon, if you have to tell them that it's a tasty dish, it's not.  Elise gets the point for the red team and is surprisingly not bitching about being ranked 4th out of 6.  Tommy also can't pronounce Heffeweissen...do guys seriously know less than I do about beer??  I know I'm married to Dave, but still!  Blue team wins, red team looks pissed, and Tommy thinks he's all that.  Then he makes us really wonder.  Ramsay tells the blue team he has a great day planned for them and asks if they like speed.  Tommy asks, "Meth or coke?"  Dude, I didn't even think that and I worked in addictions! (course, I had crack addicts, not coke addicts, but I never heard them call coke "speed") 

Well, we find out why Elise cries.  Because she lost.  Seriously.  And then she's standing there watching her team unload a truck of ice and saying she's not going to.  Carrie lifts 2 bags and breaks one open while Elise calls her a dum-dum.  First of all, maybe she wouldn't have to lift 2 bags at a time if you would do your part, bitch!  Second, YOU'RE NOT FIVE YEARS OLD!!!  First crying about losing and then calling someone else a dum-dum??  That's a frickin lollipop, not an insult!

Meanwhile, the blue team gets to drive Indycars, helped by Arie Luyendyk (which Dave notes, "Sweet!  They got one of the legends!") and a female not named Danica Patrick.  Paul, of course, proceeds to try to hit on the female driver, asking where she's from (Switzerland) and noting "I'm a big fan of your cheese."  Um, flirting FAIL.

Elise refuses at first to do anything to help with lifting kegs, and the team confronts her in the evening about not helping.  Elise says she's been busting her ass too.  Elise, you haven't been busting anything except the nerves of everyone around you, including the viewers!  Elise tells us that she's not here to make friends...yes, girl, you've told us that every damned episode.  She does say that she'll try to be more helpful, and she does offer to help others during prep.  We'll see how long this lasts, but might as well enjoy it in the meantime.  Yet again the guys are determined to bounce back and have a good dinner service.

And so dinner service begins.  Dave sees that they have Andre Carter, who actually played football, and Matt Leinart, credited as a "Professional Football Player" but better known for his flings with Paris Hilton and getting paid boatloads to hold a clipboard (no, Dave's not jealous at all, and that has nothing to do with Paris Hilton...he likes girls with a little more meat on their bones and a little more under their hair).  "Credited as" a football player? What is this, IMDB?  There's a special tonight of Belgian ale-steamed mussels...might have to try that.  We see that in prep Carrie told Elise she needed to drain her salads...she didn't bother and then tried to throw Carrie under the bus when she puts up a soggy salad.  Well, that was short and sweet.

Natalie wastes over 30 scallops in trying to get a good order...Dave and I have done better than that with lesser-quality scallops!  Elise steps up again to expedite things...we still haven't seen if she's going to continue helping in any way besides bossing people around.  Once the blue team gets to entrees, Jonathon blames Tommy for the pastry in the wellingtons still being raw...even though they apparently worked on them together!  Dave says, "So, the moral of the story tonight: when doing prep, pay fucking attention!  Everything that's gone wrong is prep problems (except Natalie and the scallops)."

Krupa goes from raw meat to overcooked meat, and I have a feeling she's going home tonight.  Jonathon's next to give us an overcooked wellington.  Why bring it up when you know it's overcooked?  Natalie and Jonathon get sent out of the kitchen, and Jonathon quits and walks off telling Ramsay to kiss his ass.  Well, that may keep Krupa from going home, even with Ramsay not paying attention to the "I quit"!  Jonathon complains about the prep, but it being overcooked is his fault just as the raw sea bass is Natalie's fault.

Both teams lose and have to nominate 2 people.  Jonathon, Natalie, Elise, and Krupa.  Red team might nominate Jamie instead for issues with fish, but I think they'll put Elise up instead.  The red team put up Jamie, and Elise makes a face when Carrie hesitates before saying it.  Jonathon digs a hole for himself as he says he wishes he had defied Ramsay when sent out of the kitchen.  I think it's between him and Krupa at this point.  He hates people shutting down more than he hates backtalk, because he sends Krupa home.  Dave wonders what is up this year with the random applause for people when they're eliminated...it just seems wrong.

Hell's Kitchen 8/2/11

Good to see you again, SnarkFans!  We are glad to be back after a month and a half that provided plenty of SnarkFodder (some of which can be found at my other blog and some will only come out after a couple of beers).

So as we rejoin our special friends in Hell's Kitchen, we see that the rating includes mention of sexual situations and Dave gets excited.  The recap reminds us that after drama in the red kitchen and incompetence in the blue kitchen, Gina was sent home.  As the episode begins, Ramsay tells the contestants that they're getting a clean slate as they cater a high school reunion.  Paul and Elizabeth go to meet with the reunion committee to find out what they want, and Carrie says Elizabeth doesn't listen.  Ooh, the blondes are sniping at each other.

Elizabeth asks how the ladies feel about meat and fish on the same plate, "like a surf and turf."  Um, no.  But Dave points out, "No, no, that's a perfectly reasonable question.  It could be typical of Hawaiian cooking all the time.  Heck, the bigger Hawaiian plate lunches have some sort of meat (pork) and fish (in banana leaves) together all the time.  She's not crazy at all for asking that.  Paul might be missing something here."  The question is, will Elizabeth suggest a surf and turf anyway or will the red team overrule her and do it anyway?  No, she considers Hawaiian equivalent to Asian and just tells the red team "Asian."  Then she decides lentils fit into the theme.  Might as well give all of the points to the blue team now.  To add to the fun, Carrie and Jennifer can't agree on ingredients or plating for their dish. 

Yep, the blue team sweeps it and I'm jealous of the tasters for getting to try the blue dishes.  It's not just that the women completely blew it, the blue dishes were amazing.  Even the one dish that Ramsay thought was too small was so good that the tasters thought it was worth the small portions.  The blue team gets a day on a "superyacht"...someone put sunscreen on Natalie, please!  We hear, "The Paul is on board."  Dave comments that people who refer to themselves as "The _____" make him wonder, especially when the blank is filled with their name instead of a nickname.  Natalie gets a bit tipsy and clowns around...luckily for them, the service wasn't that night.  Unfortunately for them, they're hungover in the morning.

The red team has to make a three-layer cake for the reunion.  My first thought is, I bet they don't know enough to put straws or dowels in to support the top 2 tiers.  My second thought is that they completely screwed up covering the layers with fondant, so they're sure to not support it correctly.  I'm completely distracted from their bickering for once because I'm too busy critiquing their (lack of) decorating skills.  That cake is going to fall over horrifically.  Ramsay says, "It's like a big Mexican sombrero gone wrong."  Ole!  I could do better than that having never made a tiered cake (so far, I'm meaning to try it)...at least I know how to cover a cake with fondant and the theory of supporting tiers!

As dinner service starts, the red team is confused about preparing the menu.  Dave comments that this is what prep is for, but during prep they were too busy fucking up a cake!  The blue team is on to entrees while the red team can't get apps out...unfortunately, fish proves to trip them up, with a stone cold center.  Paul, we expect better from you.  Ramsay asks who's going to lead the red kitchen and gets silence in return until Elise steps up, saying in her cutaway interview that she's a natural-born leader.  After all, she says she's "got a big mouth but knows how to use it," which leads Dave to ask, "Does your man like how you lead him in the bedroom, then?"  (Maybe he's still hung up on the sexual situations he hasn't gotten enough of yet?)  The red team gets a set of appetizers out, and Elyse proceeds to crow, "That's right.  That means I don't just talk."  Dave adds, "Yeah, you can apparently put your hands behind your back too.  Great leaders are known for doing that instead of getting involved!"  Um, yeah, I know what my Command Sergeant Major father would say to that, and it would not be pretty.  The red team does start pushing out entrees, though.

What is wrong with Monterray these last couple of days?  He had poor focus in the team challenge, and he's having trouble helping Natalie with garnish.  Paul has more raw red snapper, making Ramsay into a red snapper and cusser and yeller.  Jonathan and Monterray get pushed onto the fish station to replace him, which quickly becomes Monterray cooking fish while Jonathan stands in the corner basically saying, "Call me if you need me, dude."  Monterray screws up the snapper, and Ramsay shuts it down.  Jonathan asks if there's anything he can do to help and complains about getting sent upstairs again.  Gee, maybe you should have asked what you can do while your kitchen was cooking.

I'm seeing three good candidates for elimination: Monterray, Paul, and Jonathan.  I'd like to see Paul stay, and at this point I'd like to see Jonathan go home for passing the buck.  Monterray's been weak enough overall that it'll probably be him, though.  Nominees are Monterray and Paul, but Ramsay calls Jonathan forward too...good move.  Paul shows passion as he fights for his life, and this is the only bad service he's had, so he is told to get back in line.  Chef sends Monterray home, and Natalie nods in agreement.  Monterray says that if he knew standing back and not cooking was the way to stay safe, he would have done that...thus showing that he doesn't deserve to win.  Elise comments on the way out that this is her prize and no one better stand in her way.  Dave points out that the main person getting in Elise's way is Elise.

The preview for next week describes it as heartstopping.  We're not sending someone else to the ER, are we?  Dave wonders if that would make Elise cry like she does in the preview, but I don't think that would make her cry unless it was her.  Jonathan survives another day only to be seen storming out of the kitchen in the preview.

Hell's Kitchen 8/1/11

Dave asked me if I was up for snarking tonight.  I told him I could snark if snarking were called for.  Bonus SnarkFood Points (redeemable nowhere) for whoever gets that reference.

Dave needs to watch the recap for once because he forgets which loser we got rid of last time.  Chino?  I think so.  That's right, this was the episode with no winners.  Dave notes that Chino can close his mouth now, cause it sure as heck shouldn't have been a shock to him.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen, as if we couldn't tell that each episode except a season premiere is the continuation of Hell's Kitchen.  I really wish Elise would shut her mouth already.  I think I wish she would get off my tv as much as Dave wanted Chris off of his tv.  Dave comments that at least no one can describe Elise as passive-aggressive, cause there is no passive there!  As I type, I recall why I never forget how to spell "aggressive."  Years of marching band in high school meant years of hearing the cheerleaders spell it as part of a cheer.

The contestants come downstairs to a scene out of Dexter's Laboratory, and Dave comments that it must be West Virginia Moonshine Week!  After all, it was in WV that he had his first and only moonshine.  Man, I didn't know anyone seriously made moonshine anymore before that.  He claims to remember what happened in the first quarter of that football game...  Me, I'm remembering the Maryland band drummers playing Green Acres and the rhyme my friend LeeAnn made up involving "my hair is in a mullet, with my teeth I open beer. I like the taste of possum, cause I'm a Mountaineer!"

The contestants get to work with food scientists who make pizza that changes flavor to a dessert as you eat it.  Dave wonders when Willy Wonka is going to walk in and thought he had retired after turning the factory over to Charlie.  Well, he can't exactly turn that kind of thing off...

The contestants get to choose a protein and cook it with only fire and water: steaming, boiling and poaching.  The red team needs to choose one dish not to use, and Dave lays his money on it being Carrie's.  Looks that way, since they give her the same meat that another team member is using and they have to have each one represented.  The team chooses Elizabeth's dish, but Ramsay points out that most of them haven't even tasted Carrie's dish.  Elise replies that she tastes with her eyes first and liked the look of Elizabeth's dish better.  Dave thinks that it's reasonable to taste with the eyes first, but I reply that you do still have to taste with your tongue to accurately decide...if you actually care about accurately deciding at least.  Dave's doing that silly two-thumbs thing as he says, "Who called it?  This guy!"  He goes on, "Face it girls, Carrie's going to be around for a while because she's good tv. Besides, she's not as incompetent as you think.  She blew a kiss in the opening sequence, though, so we know she won't win."  I'd like to see her moved to the blue team to see how she could do.

Jonathon's filet "looked like a train wreck, but it's the best-tasting damned train wreck you'll ever see!"  Maybe it was, but you still lost to the better presentation from Jennifer and the red team.  Ramsay puts his face in his hands at Monterray's prawns Benedict even before knowing how overcooked the prawns were.  Dave notes that there's broccoli on the plate; I respond that it's broccoli rabe, and Dave says he doesn't care if it's broccoli Rob or broccoli John or what.  Elizabeth's dish lacks seasoning, and Ramsay asks to try Carrie's dish.  He tells the red team they put the wrong dish up and awards no points for prawns.  The red team's salmon is overcooked, and Will shows his food chops by having cooked the egg over his salmon in a double boiler as was done in days of yore.  Point for blue.  Tattoo Man Tommy puts too much on his plate and actually says, "I don't really think when I do things, I just do them."  That is not exactly conducive to long life on this show...Tommy's fortune would instead be "Hope the lotto numbers work."  Gina wins easily.  Dave comments that poaching is best for the guinea hen, salmon, and lobster and that he would like to try that out sometime to expand his repertoire.  Elise's lobster is rubbery, and Paul ties it up.  No surprise that Will and Paul earn points for the blue team.  Natalie is told her veal terrine has a texture like cat food...maybe for Koko!  Krupa, don't tell them your veal sauce is delicious because that makes them expect it not to be.  It's delicious, but it's not actually veal, it's filet.  Again no points are awarded, and we have a tie, but Ramsay blasts the red team for the meat mistake and for leaving the best dish on the side.  Yes, folks, he said Carrie's dish was not just better than Elizabeth's, it was the best on the team.  How do ya like them apples, Elise?!  Dave comments, "So blue team wins by default...default-of-de-other-team.  Ramsay thanks his honoured (he is a Brit after all) guests and, off camera, apologizes to them for all the crap they had to eat."

Elise is griping again and blaming the loss on Krupa.  Um, honey, you didn't earn your team a point either.  Ramsay tells the red team they're going to get wet, scrubbing the hot tub and the fountain.  Hmmm, I hope it wasn't filmed in winter...then again in LA, it probably doesn't matter much.  The blue team gets to go to a spa, which sounds great until Ramsay announces dinner service is tonight.  Don't get too relaxed, blue team!  The red team is blaming the loss on Krupa for the tiebreaker, conveniently forgetting that all of them but Carrie are to blame since the decision was also made based on them rejecting her dish without bothering to taste it.  Elise comments that her pissedivity level is high and she has not patience today.  First of all, who made you the Neologist of LA, and second of all, when have you ever had patience?  At the spa,Will gets his brows waxed while Jonathon has the intelligence to stay FAR away from hot wax.  And yes, this is the girl in the house saying that waxing is idiotic.  Will says his brows look great...metrosexual much?

As they prep for dinner service, Elise talks about how "we" will do.  Elise, you never have a real "we" in your vocabulary.  There is tableside halibut sashimi tonight, served by Jennifer and Natalie.  Dave comments that they are both hereby safe from elimination, since they have infinitely more sense than Salvatore.  Let's see how the blue team does without Natalie helping hold them together.  At the beginning the blue team is communicating nicely.  Ramsay asks who made the red team's risotto, and Krupa is to blame.  Dave comments that it looks watery but than catches himself and notes that he shouldn't really criticize risotto when he's never made it.  Seriously, honey, you haven't even had that many risottos!  Jonathon is on garnish and keeps having trouble remembering what garnish goes with what entree.  Man, and Dave had thought he would be the best of the dinner trio of him, Monterray, and Tommy!  Gina doesn't open her mouth, even when Ramsay asks how much time until she is ready.  Too bad we can't average her and Chino.  He sends Krupa upstairs to cool her heels while her team finishes without her.  That's too bad, since she had looked really good the first couple of weeks.  The red team starts getting appetizers out again, partially because of...Carrie! Dave points out that they'll still probably put her up for elimination and directs me to call them the red "team" for the rest of tonight.  The blue team's cod has reddish-brown corners from being overdone to the point where it looks to me like tako.  Dave thinks it looks like that poor fish just got out of Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib.  I'll take jokes we couldn't have made 10 years ago for $600, Alex.

The blue diners are waiting for entrees as the red team catches up, and we find out that they are keeping the bread baskets full.  Tommy still can't cook fish and Gina still won't open her mouth except to say, "Yes, Chef."  After tonight, those two will really be livin' on a prayer, or at least on the backs of even dumber compadres.  If I were Gina, I'd be dreaming of Elise running away!  Monterray and Tommy get sent upstairs to join Krupa.  Whoa, wait a minute, which one of them said they had everything clockwork perfect, Tommy?  Seriously?  Clockwork Orange perfect, maybe!  He seriously thinks he didn't deserve to be thrown out.  Um, Tommy, we saw the Dick Cheney Special cod, you don't have a leg to stand on.  Gina sends Ramsay raw sea bass...the sashimi was the first course, sweetheart.  Dave comments, "Raw bass?  There's a Gossip Girl joke just waiting to be made here."  Yes, dears, the Y chromosome in the house (besides Kechara) made the GG reference!

Ramsay throws out Gina and Elise (since Elise didn't have her garnishes at the right time thanks to Gina's lack of communication).  For once, we actually agree with Elise about not deserving to be sent away and not being the worst on the team.  Dave comments that the worst person was the first one to be sent up, Krupa.  Ramsay tells the teams he can't see a leader anywhere; Dave replies that he can see at least two, maybe more.  "They may be rare, but they're not raw."  Both teams lose, which means Gina and Tommy are indeed livin' on a prayer.  This should be easy: Krupa, Gina, Monterray, and Tommy.  Dave: "If you send up anyone else, you're an idiot. Yeah, you can make a case for Tommy, but it's not a very good case, not compared to the other two."  Whoa, Elise doesn't nominate Carrie!  The look on Carrie's face looks to Dave as if she had been nominated, but I think that's just surprise.  Elise once again bitches about people taking things out on her, takes it all personally, and says it's not about the team.  But Dave comes back at her, "Elise, if you WERE a team, you wouldn't be having to nominate anybody!"  Carrie's just glad that, finally, she's not up there herself.  For once, some of the red team got at least a little bit smart!

Paul names the blue team's nominees: Monterray and Tommy.  No surprises there.  When it comes time for the red team, Ramsay asks if they've come to a consensus.  No, they haven't come to a consensus, they've just picked nominees.  The red team nominates Krupa, and we get a commercial break before the second nominee.  I don't know why they're bothering to wait before naming Gina...oh, wait, I was wrong, they nominated Elise!  Dave tells the red team they're not as smart as he thought they were.  Elise tells Ramsay, "If you give me a second chance, I promise I won't be up here a third time."  Wait a second, if you're talking about a third time, aren't you already on your second chance?  Dave comments, "I don't really think when I say things, I just say them. Oh, wait, that's Tommy."  Monterray is asked whether he's the worst chef in his kitchen and Dave overrides him by saying yes.  Ramsay pulls Gina from the safe group at the back and sends her home.  Gina thanks him for the opportunity and Dave comments, "You said something other than 'yes, Chef.' Unfortunately, it was too late."

Hell's Kitchen 7/26/11

14 Chefs Compete.  The contestants face another intense challenge.  Man, even the episode descriptions suck now!  Viewer Discretion Advised: Language.  Well, at least this time there's no violence.  Dave wants to get the opening credits song on iTunes.  He heard it once at the gym and thought immediately of HK.

I realized from the "scenes from last week" that I had the wrong blonde in the last write-up.  It was Elizabeth, not Natalie.  I can't even blame that one on the pain pills since I wrote that one before I took them.

Elise is annoyed that Carrie's still here.  Dave says, "Face it, Elise, she's going to be here for a while.  She's going to keep going just enough to avoid elimination."  Some of the girls want to go to bed, but they're kept awake by Elise, Jennifer, and Krupa yelling at each other.  One of the girls comments about too much drama.  Dave comments, "Pot, kettle, black."  There you go with those racist comments, Dave.

The contestants get to dress up like Farmer Joe and Jane for their challenge.  Dave notices that they're not wearing waders, so they're not grabbing their own fish.  Contestants have to catch chickens to get to choose ingredients for their chicken dishes.  Dave wonders whether teams have to use all of the ingredients they get.  If so, he pities the team that has to use grits and pickles.  Natalie's farmgirl roots come out, and Will comments that Chino knows how to choke a chicken.  The teams each get one chicken, and they have to pair up and take a chicken quarter per group.  They have to make sure it comes out perfect, since they only have one serving to create their dish from.  Each pair has to use a different cooking method (between frying, sauteeing, grilling, and roasting).  Carrie's fried chicken is raw, and Elise tries to throw Carrie under the bus not just for this but for everything that has gone wrong for the red team.  Carrie says she doesn't like girls...I'm sure there are plenty of guys who are happy to hear that, honey!  Tommy needs to learn a better way to tie on a bandanna, since his makes his hair look like a ski hat.  Monterray shows he has class by owning up to the fact that he was the reason that one plate had no chicken on it.  The challenge comes down to the last dish, and Dave comments that this is only because Ramsay chickened out by giving both sauteed dishes a point.  Yes, folks, he meant to say that.  Now you know what I live with and why we have someone in our life that routinely takes away his talking privileges! 

The red team wins and get a go-karting trip.  The blue team's punishment is to make a ton of chicken stock.  Dave comments that this is the best punishment so far since it at least relates to what the contestants want to do with their lives...much better than ironing or assembling playground equipment.  Elise claims that she's going to kick butt despite having never go-karted before.  "One thing you don't lack for is confidence," Dave points out.  We learn that Elizabeth doesn't actually have a driver's license since she lives in Manhattan.  Jennifer feels like she's racing while "driving like Miss Daisy."  Dave has the pop culture knowledge to point out that Miss Daisy never drove.  Elise plans to run Carrie off the "road" so that Carrie can't beat her.  Love your teamwork, Elise. While the stock is working, the blue team role-plays dinner service.  As a therapist, I have to like that idea!  Natalie describes herself as "doing my fish thang."  However, as Will notes, Chino sucks when he's not even cooking.

During prep, Elise finds someone else to piss off as she gives Andi backtalk and then walks away after Andi calls her out on it.  Andi's eyes look like they're bulging with anger.  "We've learned in previous seasons, don't piss off Andi," Dave notes.  C'mon, Andi, give her the business! 

Ooh, champion athletes in the chef's tables for each kitchen.  Elise feels good that Carrie's not on meats to screw things up, but Elise ends up being the first screw-up with scallops.  To her credit, though, for once she forgets that she knows everything and applies the advice that Ramsay gives.  Natalie gets the blue team off to a good start on apps, but then Monterray shows that he's dumber than Elise tonight by talking back to Scott instead of listening to his advice.  Dave and I learn that the way to keep fish from falling apart after removing it from the pan is to leave it on the fish spatula instead of taking it off the spatula right away.  We also note that we need to acquire a fish spatula.  The Bed Bath & Beyond CEO must love us...when we did our wedding registry, we spent about 3 hours in the kitchen section.  Monterray says in his private camera spot that he didn't sign on to be cussed at by Scott.  Um, dear, you knew what you were getting into, or you sure as hell should have!  Monterray tries to get help from Jonathan, and half of the blue team starts yelling and cussing at each other in front of their Olympians.  Gina cuts her steak too early and when yelled at says she wishes she was in a bubble bath with champagne.  Dave replies, "If you wish you were in a bubble bath instead of wishing you had done it right the first time, you won't be around for long."  She later sends up lamb that's still baa-ing.  Over in the blue kitchen, forget Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader, Chino needs to go back to first grade.  Not only can he not write, he can't tell time, repeatedly saying "just a minute" when he needs 3-5 minutes.  The blue kitchen gets shut down and the red kitchen follows while trying to food both chef's tables.  Why is there still bread in the baskets on the chef's tables??  They do at least get to eat, unlike the regular diners, as Ramsay has Scott and Andi make their entrees.

There are no winners here, only losers.  Each team gets to choose 2 for elimination.  Dave makes his picks: "Chino, since he's been useless since Week 0.  For the other, it's hard because the worst is SO far below the rest.  Monterray, I guess, because I like his attitude but his performance was bad.  On the red team, Gina, since you brought up food that was clearly raw.  For the other, they'll think of some reason to throw Carrie up there, but she'll still be around for a while.  Elise will too."  For my pics, I'm with you on Chino and Monterray and Gina.  I would kill for them to send up Elise, but I doubt they will.  I can see them trumping up a reason for Carrie, but I can also see them trumping up an excuse for Krupa.  She didn't get a chance to screw anything up tonight, but she seems to also be high on the hit list."

Natalie's right about Chino: "You don't come to Hell's Kitchen to learn to cook, you should already know how to cook."  Dave thinks the top 3 chefs on the blue team are, in whatever order, Natalie, Will, and Jonathan.  Natalie tears up about Chino accusing her of sabotaging him.  As the red team dithers, Jamie takes charge to make a tally of who screwed up today.  As usual, Elise and Carrie are shouting at each other.  I'm going to have to start thinking of new ways to say that.  Elise yells, "Shut up, I'm talking," and Dave comments that if you need to say that because no one is listening to you, that usually means you don't have anything real to say. 

Hot damn, the red team nominates Elise in addition to Carrie!  Other than that, Dave and I both got the picks right.  I hope Ramsay calls Gina up too.  Monterray defends himself by saying he didn't give up. From Dave, "You did the stupider thing by fighting back.  You got dumb!"  Chino says he wants to be able to show the guys what he can do.  Dave: "You have shown the guys what you can do, that's the problem."  Well, he hasn't converted much of the team into drooling mouth-breathers, if that's what he means.  Elise looks arrogant when some of the red team members say they would rather send her home than Carrie and completely shocked when Natalie agrees.  Elise, honey, if you go outside in Seattle with your nose that far in the air, you'll drown inside of a day.  Ramsay deliberates, and Dave asks him to do us all a favor and get Chino off our tvs. (He seems to like that phrase)  According to Dave, Chino makes it look like Dave should be on HK instead of him.  "And I sure as hell don't belong on there. Yet."  The sad thing is that it took 3 weeks to get rid of Chino because there were 2 people worse than him. 

In the previews for next week, we see that Gina takes the nice-girl gloves off and faces down Elise.  That'll be fun to see.  From Dave, "Jamie, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Natalie, Jonathan, and Will.  There's your final 6.  But they'll bring Elise and Carrie for the final episode because they create too much drama to leave then out."  OK, Dave, we've noted that down for posterity.  To quote a Mercedes Lackey book, "Let's see if [you are] brilliant or deluded!"

Hell's Kitchen 7/25/11

So as the show is beginning, Dave and I contemplate how much the winners of Food Network Star make.  Bet it's not $250,000 a year off the bat!  Since Dave has been watching MasterChef, he noticed that Ramsay has been recycling challenges between the two shows.  So far, we have the most respect for Will, but we'll see what the next episodes bring.

At the end of the last episode, Ramsay called for a volunteer from the red team to join the blue team.  None of the girls wanted to leave, and the blue team thought they were doing fine as they were (despite getting shut down for both dinner services).  The girls discuss drama, and Elisa doesn't understand why people see her as causing drama.  It's not that you cause major drama, Elise, it's that this season doesn't have someone like a Penny or Raj, so your drama looks bigger.  One of the the blonde girls (Elizabeth, the less-ditzy one) goes to the blue team.  She thinks she's gonna come out of this smelling like roses, and Dave comments that if she doesn't, she'll end up as rose fertilizer.  We do after all have 2 in the role of "cute ditzy blonde to be eliminated early."  Will makes a comment about having liked the team feeling that had been there before.  It's hard to tell from his comment if he needs to broaden his meaning of "team" or if he's better at hiding the misogynistic tendencies than some of the "men" that have been on this show.  I think it's the former, judging by what I've seen so far.  I hope so.

Yet another early wake-up call, this time from clowns.  It's a good thing this is a reality show and not a fraternity, because they're breaking a million hazing laws here!  This morning's challenge is to feed a bunch of hungry kids and then their mothers.  I am a little disturbed at the official Hell's Kitchen high chairs.  They're using naan as the outside of both quesadillas and paninis...I never would have thought of using naan for either one, but I want to try it now.  Elise actually makes a good point for once, telling Carrie not to keep moving back and forth in her way.  The blue team (I can't say the guys' team anymore!) wins by a matter of seconds and the red team gets to clean up and assemble the playground for the kids-allowed dinner service.  I swear, the only reason Ramsay does kids' nights at HK is because, unlike in his real restaurants, he has a losing team to do the cleanup afterwards.  While the red team is working and bickering, the blue team is grilling Elizabeth about what the red team has been doing to be so successful, and Elizabeth shows her loyalty to her new team by leaking the state secrets.  Their reward is to go to Medieval Times, and they get to actually practice swordfighting.  As the red team assembles the playground equipment, they get a literal team-building exercise.  Too bad they don't build their team as well as they do the equipment.  Instead, they follow my rule that, from age 4 to 104, a group of all or mostly girls will be catty.  The boys are acting like 5-year-olds as they come back from Medieval Times, but in a cute and endearing way, playing with their souvenirs.

For tonight's dinner service, in addition to having kids around, the contestants have the added complications of serving a welcoming margherita pizza and having one person from each team taking orders in the dining room.  You know, Ramsay, you could have stopped at a welcoming margarita and the parents would be happy.  Let's see if Gina and Chino can write in English more effectively than Salvador could.  Gina is able to step over that bar, but yet again Chino is Epic Fail.  Krupa has a strategy to avoid drama: silence.  Unfortunately, Krupa, among girls, silence creates drama too.  The blue team overcooks chicken tenders to the point where Ramsay says they look like a baby's flip flop.  Better that than the appetizer in Love Actually that looks like a dead baby's finger.  Scott's not pulling any punches with the blue team; he's got a mouth on him!  Elise starts trying to take Chef's role of expediting, and we have the first Ramsay-contestant showdown this season.  Amanda's all mixed up, to the point of forgetting entrees...that's dangerous.  Natalie's slow on the fish station, but at least she's not rushing and sending things up raw.  The diners are antsy, and Dave tells the waiters to slip them all some more wine.  Thank you, Britney Spears, remind me not to put you in charge of getting the kids to sleep.  I just hope the moms have Cheerios in their purses.  One of the kids says, "Shut it down," and Dave and I crack up.  The red team is told to shut it down for the first time, thus making Chino safe for a week.  Aw, darn.  I guess that makes him the winner for this week of Hell's Dining Room.

As expected, the red team starts bickering, and Elise yells at one of them asking if she takes meds for a mental illness.  Dave can identify 3-4 of the women to put up there.  Elise goes up in my book, for contributing to the stigma surrounding mental illness if nothing else.  But I'm going to get off my soapbox now.  In the end, Chef Ramsay makes his own nominations and sends Amanda home.  We had difficulty calling it, since there were several worthy contenders for the plane ticket, but Dave picked Amanda based on how much Ramsay wants contestants to fight to stay.

Onward, onward, onward we go.

Hell's Kitchen 7/19/11

"16 Chefs Compete."  What kind of episode title is that?  HK does this for their episode titles every season these days, and it always annoys me.  Yes, this title tells us something useful, since it's only the second episode and we started with 18 chefs, but still, at least use a funny like from the episode like they do on Amazing Race!  The show is rated for profanity.  Gee, really?  I never would have guessed that.  In the opening credits, I love the look on Ramsay's face as he's playing the pinball machine.  At least the opening credits are good every season.

Last week on Hell's Kitchen, anorexic wanna-be actors and actresses got to stay anorexic since they had almost no food served to them.  It seems weird to me that they use actors and actresses as the dinner guests...I wish it were open to the public.  At least I'd love to see my step-brother, Sean, get to go.  Even if he focuses more on script-writing these days, he is an actor in LA.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen.  Chino of the dumb-look-that-makes-you-expect-to-see-drool survived elimination this time, but we'll see what happens for the future.  No matter what, I definitely do not see him winning.  After the elimination, Chris is sharing his view of how dinner service went and talking about facing reality.  Chris, I hate to tell you, but despite it being "reality tv," Hell's Kitchen and reality don't usually seem to go together.  Usually it's the girls' team that starts bickering first, but this season it's the boys.  Gordon starts with the rude wake-up calls a little early this season, so we get to see who sleeps in just their boxers.  "Oh, God, where are my pants?!?"  Not usually something you hear on a food show!  I'm also wondering what one of the blondes is carrying in her teeth.  Jonathan gets a nice wake-up out of it, as he notices the girls in some skimpy pjs.

The team challenge is going back to basics to grill 4 cuts of meat according to the doneness he requests.  Natalie says she likes some good meat.  Brings my (gutter-based) mind back to Food Network Star and Mary Beth saying she likes a bone.  Hopefully no one screws up and forgets which is the rib-eye and which is the strip (the other 2 cuts are filet and a burger).  Elise and Carrie are paired together and spend the whole time having a cat fight while they try to cook.  Brandon is confident, but as Bobby Flay likes to say, "There are two kinds of men, those who can grill and those who think they can grill."  The narrator talks about the contestants frantically trying to work their meat.  Man, this is way too much fun for a brain like mine!  Krupa and Amanda get a perfect score, and Krupa says she would kiss Amanda on the lips if they had been given time to brush their teeth.  Elise blames their bad cuts on Carrie, which is funny since she spent most of the time pushing Carrie out of the way and keeping her from cooking.  Chino finds a bit of salvation; maybe he just needs to be kept away from the fish?  The boys end up winning by one piece of meat.  As the guys' last few pieces were being tested, Jennifer is begging for them to screw it up...nice sportsmanship there, honeypie.  One of the guys describes the blue team as hugging like girls when they won, but those were full-on Man Hugs.  Paul thinks he's a big deal...can't wait for him to get slapped down a peg or two!

The women get to clean the grills and bitch about it as the first part of their punishment.  Elise, weren't you the one last night complaining about having to do the punishment when you hadn't made the team lose?  There's your karma, bitch!  Elise complains about others being rude and says she gets along with everyone.  Um, no, Elise, you get along with people about as well as Penny.  Dave comments, "Elise, we've seen your type before on Hell's Kitchen, and they never win."  The narrator talks about the men's team being united.  For now.  We'll see how long that lasts.  The guys get a nice lunch with Ramsay while the girls get the meat from earlier after a trip through the blender.  Dave, this is what your Thanksgiving was almost like one year!  "Yeah, that's why I decided not to have my wisdom teeth out just before Thanksgiving.  One of the girls makes a bitchy comment (surprise, surprise) about one of the blondes being used to having meat in her mouth.  You know, it's ok when I say that, I'm just putting it online for almost no one to read.  It's completely different when you say that on camera! 

We cut to the guys at their dinner, and Paul talks about not being distracted by a significant other.  Dude, just because no one wants to have sex with you, you don't have to see yourself as above other people that may have more distractions.  Will talks about living up to the family name...trust the Jersey boy to be worried about the status of the family name.  Brendan talks ad nauseum about his favorite subject, himself. 

The girls get to carry and disassemble a whole cow.  Reminds me of a restaurant in Charleston where the chef buys pigs whole and uses all of the parts.  Talk about getting up close and personal with their ingredients!  The girls start gelling as a team as they have fun with this part of the punishment.  They study and quiz each other on the ingredients and dishes while doing the prep for them.  That's something I've never seen on the show before, but I love it.  The question is, will they now be able to remember all of the dishes on the menu unlike Matt from a couple seasons back.  After the guys get back, most of the girls are still studying, but Carrie has enough wine to stumble as she invites one of the guys to her bed.  Good thing none of the others have gone to bed yet!  You two can just go home now if you want...this isn't going to end like Holly and Blue Jay.  On the other hand, either of you might get sent home after tomorrow's dinner service, might as well do what you can while you can.

Before dinner service, the girls each check their station to make sure they have everything they need.  Elise takes a leadership role on this, and so far it hasn't backfired.  Ah, tableside service, first of Caesar salads and then of prime rib.  Ramsay's increasing the degree of difficulty earlier in the season this time.  Gina's silent at her station when asked for a time until she's ready.  Gina, speak, Ooboo!  Brendan describes someone as acting like a chipmunk on meth, and Dave wonders how much meth Brendan has taken to come up with that description as well as what color his chipmunks are.  Maybe he's seen chipmunks near a college campus?  Chip and Dale?

This year's risotto just does not look appealing, even when done right.  It just looks bland and mealy.  Chino keeps making the same mistakes on his risotto.  At least he's consistent.  Consistently bad, but consistent nonetheless.  Carrie tears up, and Dave wonders who switched her with Alicia from FNS.  There's been a mistake in casting, folks!  One contestant is described as being on another like white on rice, and we wonder if Carrie wants to be on her man like white on rice.  Chino finally nails a risotto after how many times?  And then comes the fish debacle.  Brendan brings up the same piece of fish a second time and claims to have thrown the first one away when Ramsay calls him on it.  Ramsay tells him to find the first piece if he has to root through the trash to do it, and we have our preview shot from last week.  Seriously, lying to Chef Ramsay?!?  How dumb can you be?  Besides, Brendan, if it was sent back once, what makes you think it wouldn't be sent about again?  It was sent back for being burnt, not raw.  Brendan, if you can't replace the fish with a refire, you're fired.

Elise is all over the kitchen to the point where we can't even tell what station she's supposed to be working.  Ramsay dresses her down and says in the process that he's not God.  Really, Ramsay?  You usually seem to do your best to dispel the notion of you not being God.  Things start moving more smoothly until the blue team can't cook duck and calls it a different bird.  Seriously, learn your damned poultry!  That's as bad as a couple seasons ago when Fran couldn't tell the difference between crab and lobster.  The diners are wanting more wine for their wait and another breadbasket to absorb the wine so that at least one person per table can drive home.  If they're lucky, James will slip the number of a local pizza joint into the breadbaskets.  I would pay to see the opening service at one point have a Dominoes guy pull up.  Krupa drops the whole prime rib on the floor and needs some from the guys.  Nice job there, Grace.  Course, the way the guys are going, Krupa, you can have all of the blue team's prime rib because they won't end up serving anyone. 

The guys are shut down and Dave is glad Steven's not around to offer to wash pans.  "After all, it's Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher."  The guys are mad, but the ultimate question is, will anyone go as crazy as Raj last season?  We're seeing Chino and Brendan going up for elimination.  Monterray didn't even have a chance to screw up, so he's safe.  The guys are especially pissed that they lost to girls, which is one thing I hate about the guy/girl team division.  The girls are sent to take over the blue kitchen and are appalled at the mess.  Hooray, no more anorexics, everyone got to eat!  We're not sure if that's ever happened in Week 2 before. 

Chino doesn't agree with being sent up for elimination with Brendan because he didn't say anything wrong.  That's the problem, Chino, you didn't say anything at all.  You went from your mouth hanging open to closing it completely.  However, arguing with your team about being chosen  isn't necessarily the right time to start opening your mouth.  Ramsay asks Chino and Brendan what he hasn't seen in them that is a reason he should keep them.  Brendan lists a couple qualities, including character.  Seriously?? You lie to Chef Ramsay and say that one of your qualities is character??  Well, character is one of the things that he has not seen in you so far!  Dave decides he has to listen to this part again and comment.  The first quality Brendan mentions is heart.  "Well, yes, Brendan, you do have a heart, you're not dead on the floor."  Character.  "A very bad character where you're calling people names and lying to Ramsay."  Those things can't be taught.  "And you cannot learn."  I want to apologize to you, Chef, about the fish; I was mistaken.  "Come on, that's not a mistake!"  Chino gets to speak and for the second week in a row basically says he's in over his head.  Dave says he should have gotten sent home last week instead of Steven, and I reply, "Yeah, but there could only be one porn star on this season and it had to be Carrie."  We're rooting for a double elimination, and Dave says that they can't lose, whoever he eliminates.  Well, you can't lose unless you're the blue team that has to take one of them back.  Dave notices as we go to commercial that there is enough time left in the episode that Ramsay could conceivably eliminate both of them.  Unfortunately, he does not, only Brendan goes home.  Lucky for Ramsay, he no longer has to listen to Brendan babble.  On his way out, Brendan says, "Don't hate the player, hate the game," and Dave wonders what that really means.  To me, it means, "Don't hate on the man-slut."  With his parting words, Brendan asks Carrie to call him.  I thought usually it was the girl hoping the guy would call in the morning. 

Dave: "Next season on Kitchen Nightmares, visit Brendan's restaurant in New York, the site of a major rat infestation.  No, I'm not talking about just the owner/head chef."  Now that the blue team is down 3, Ramsay asks for a volunteer from the red team to switch sides.  Ooh, ooh, I'd pay for it to be Elise!  The blue team tries to countermand Ramsay, saying they don't need the help.  Yeah, backtalk the big boss, that's a good plan.  Monterray gives his opinion about the switch, starting, "With all due respect..."  Usually when someone says "with all due respect," they're not actually showing any respect. 

In the preview for next week, the narrator talks about the group facing their worst fears as they get woken up by clowns.  You know, I've never understood that whole being afraid of clowns thing.  Then comes children's day at Hell's Kitchen.  If I were a mom, I think I'd be scared to bring my child around Ramsay in this kind of setting.  I'm going to have enough of a hard time curbing my own tongue so my kids don't hear me curse, let alone Ramsay!

Hell's Kitchen 7/18/11

Ah, Hell's Kitchen, you are always good for a Snark! Let's see what 18 new chefs give us to laugh about. I'm settling down for adventure with my Diet Coke and my favorite pizza in the world.

First of all, I REALLY miss JP!! James isn't bad, but JP is awesome! Carrie's already putting a target on her back by talking on the bus about how hot she is. I'm going to need to do some research, because I swear I've seen Will on another show, maybe Throwdown? Ramsay starts the show with another mindfuck, making it seem like they're playing to a packed house at the Orpheum and then giving them an empty auditorium. We learn that the prize restaurant is in NYC and this season's opening credits have a pinball theme. I always love watching the credits, although I'm getting sick of the bit with the designated Hot Girl blowing a kiss of flames.

Byko says:
1. Jason appears to be some sort of Mario Batali lookalike. That said, I didn't really see him much in any of the preview clips at the beginning, so maybe he doesn't last too long?
2. Jason, Natalie, and Carrie are all talking smack on the bus. $5 says that all three of them are gone by the halfway point of the season.
3. So, if the Masterchef prize is $250,000 and the Hell's Kitchen prize is a $250,000 salary, can we just have the two winners face off at the end, winner take all? Because I bet that would actually be a close call.
And finally, has there ever been a chef that blows a kiss in the intro that has lasted more than two or three episodes? Carrie, you're officially on notice. That said, based on the intro alone, Amanda looks like a leading contender.

My first impression as they're making their signature dish is that Monterray's a little too belligerant already. Yes, you're right that you don't need to cut anyone else a break, but in any kitchen you need to give your fellow cooks enough room that you don't elbow them! Carrie's not the only one to put sugar in mashed potatoes, so get off your high horse Gina. Apparently it was too much sugar, though, since Ramsay spit it out. (Byko: "So, does this mean I can keep the sugar in my mashed potatoes? At least I haven't seen you spit them out.") Branden, shouldn't your signature dish be something YOU came up with? Steven, how can you screw up the HK basics of scallops and risotto before the first dinner service even starts?? Why is everyone looking down on tacos? They may be "pedestrian," but so are plenty of other things that good chefs make delicious!

Byko: Steven, Gina and Jamie--have y'all ever seen HK before? There are three basic things you MUST be able to do in order to last long: cook scallops, cook lamb, and make a risotto. And Steven, what the heck was that on the plate? Risotto? I think with your dish, you discovered something new: a new disease that's closely related to chicken pox. And chicken pox on a plate is NOT something I want to see on any menu anytime soon!

Ramsay gets more creative with his insults: "You're so full of shit your eyes are brown"

The guys get to go to LA Market and meet Nona. I was so happy to see her win last year! The girls get to clean the kitchen and Elise needs to get over herself. If you've ever watched this show, you know that you win as a team and you lose as a team. Sometime I'd like to try those Henckel knives. I love my Calphalon knives enough that I take them on vacation with me if I think I'll be cooking! Jason needs the medic during prep...I hope we don't have another one learn about heart problems on the show. Turns out he needs bed rest and won't be coming back. Too bad, I would have liked to see him cook. (Byko: Well, I guess that explains why we didn't see much of him in the previews!)

During a commercial break, we learn that Kitchen Nightmares is casting in the Baltimore/DC area...that'll be interesting to see. In other commercials, I'm not sure I would buy old seasons of HK on DVD.

Byko: According to our announcer, "Tonight, Hell's Kitchen is once again the place to be in Los Angeles." Um, not in week 1 it isn't (unless you're anorexic)!

Ooh, I would love that birds' eye view of the kitchen, almost as much as I'd like to sit at a chef's table sometime. I like Carrie's efforts at communication, but I'd be interested to know if Elise wasn't communicating on purpose or by mistake. Steven's too much of an eager beaver, and he and Elise are showing their egos right away. So far, despite her poor signature dish, Krupa is shining in dinner service. The men have 3 guys sitting out after losing Jason to the DL...how many will the Blue team be down by the end of the night? Carrie, that's too much liquid in the pan for sauteeing scallops...apparently the girls also have issues with the fish station. Jonathan, it's great that you cooked a Wellington perfectly the first time ever! The question I have for you, though, is why didn't you practice ahead of time? It's always on the menu! Elise, you're not making friends with your team or with Ramsay by trying to take over. Let's see if some time sitting out cools you off.

Byko: Yeah, props to Carrie for standing up for herself and her station and pushing back against Elise--I don't think I've seen anyone do that before, though we've seen a number of chefs in seasons past get bullied off their stations and then get bullied by Ramsey! Other random thoughts: nice to see something new on the menu (even if squab is about as unsexy as it can get), Monterray's early mistake on garnish is at least a new one, and that first risotto did look exactly like rice pudding (even if I thought it looked like oatmeal at first), so that wasn't an actual insult from Ramsey there!
Chino just looks confused in the kitchen, particularly with his mouth always open, and Tommy, you really don't need to go to the Chino School of Clueless Looking Facial Expressions.
Steven, do you have ANY clue what a good scallop looks like? Because albino isn't it!

Uh oh, people are walking out before even giving Ramsay a chance to shut the kitchen down. He shuts down both kitchens barely into the entrees, and the boys are sniping at each other in evaluation, trying to prove who has more balls. As often happens, it's the worst opening dinner service ever. The more I see him, the more Steven reminds me of the stereotype of a 70's porn star. I am quite glad to see his back; now I just can't wait to get rid of Elise.

Byko: Steven, I'd say you have entusiasm, at least. Granted, it may be only 2 ounces worth, and it may be misplaced, but at least it's there. But this is Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher! You can clean the pans after you lose the team challenge next week! Can you show me just ONE actual redeeming quality you have on the cooking side of the kitchen?
Brendan, for crying out loud, you jackhole, take your lumps like a f***ing man! You blew it when Paul and Jonathon were somehow able to rip off wellingtons left and right, so just fess up!
Monterray, saying that you're better than one of the worst isn't exactly selling yourself. You won't be around long with defenses like that. And Chino, you're damn lucky to still be around after basically admitting you're in over your head!
All that said, getting rid of Steven was the right call: between being wholly incompetent on service and serving chicken pox on a plate as a signature dish, he wouldn't come anywhere close to even getting a Masterchef apron. So now, congratulations Steven: you can go jump in the oven just like Ramsey wants you to, even if you look nothing like Sylvia Plath!
So far, at least the women who bombed the signature dish challenge (Krupa and Carrie, at least) proved themselves during service. Brendan, Chino, Monterray, and Tommy, you all have NO chance next to Will, Paul, and even Jonathon (who will definitely be exposed when we get passed the competency half of the season and get to the second half, focusing on creativity).

Is that someone rooting around in the trash in the preview for next week?

Byko: It sure looks like it. And at least this time, it's not Rupert Murdoch. Good night!