Here at SnarkFood, our studio feed has been interrupted by our apartment complex changing cable providers. We will see if either of the two missed episodes gets re-aired for us to snark, but in the meantime here is tonight's episode! When we last left Monica, she had just found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her with the daughter she gave up for adoption 20 years ago but that he is NOT the father of the baby the daughter is carrying...oh, wait...wrong type of messy. On to the "cooking" for tonight...
In the recap, we learn that last week was a bad night for Mikes, Stripper Girl wins everything, but Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man won a challenge last week as well. Leading up to the Super Bowl, we look at game day food and the contestants (who I just almost called clients) discuss what their Super Bowel specials had been before this show. Not-Bobby is making honey-habanero wings. G Spot says that she eats wings twice a week. Twice a...week...sure.... Anne is doing a fish po-boy, and her team is both amazed that fish have spines and disgusted with the dismantling process. Not-Bobby says to use half of a habanero. How many of them will use the whole thing? Sarah is revolted at the idea of condiments...must be because there's no wine in them. The po-boy is described as tasting like Nawlins...it tastes like urine and daquiris in the streets?
Stripper Girl shows herself to be good at giving the knife and the fish skin a little wiggle. Is that her trademark move? Teddy Bear Meatloaf Man has mangled his fish worse than a Great White. Kortni put honey on her wings before frying...hoping that doesn't burn in the fryer! She does not burn the kitchen down, which is an improvement over her performance before the show. Stripper Girl remembers to put the beer into the batter but forgets to put the batter on the fish...I guess the fish doesn't need to get drunk today. Mike thinks the fish needs to get drunk to put up with this treatment. She says she's going to get it all gooey and make her daddy proud. Daddy issues, anyone?
Dave finishes off the last swallow of beer in the bottle and asks if they can make vodka sauce next. Sorry, the role of Drunk Contestant has already been taken. Sarah wants to have Game Day in Chef Tyler's mouth. I'm sure G-Spot will be glad to be in that competition! Kortni wants to pour more sauce on her wings to make them look more brown. Because drowning is always a great idea. Does she also like to marinate in perfume?
Tasting...time for the party in Not-Bobby's mouth! Well, time for the party in Anne's mouth first, and the guys and Kristen line right up. Apparently one gulp of beer was one gulp more than Dave should have had, because his "interpretation" of a po-boy makes Anne facepalm. Sarah has overcome her fear of white creamy substances and looks at expanding the ways she can entertain in her house. G-Spot does get to host a party in Not-Bobby's mouth as he goes back for seconds. Kortni learns that she can burn something on the outside while leaving it raw on the inside. At judgment, Kristen learns that she wins and wants to take that and compete with Daddy. Dave and Kortni are at the bottom after this round.
For the second round, we learn that the contestants will be making pasta. How many of their offerings will be suitable for mob weapons? Ooh, but there's a twist. Not-Bobby wheels out a tray of squid and tells the contestants that they are making squid ink pasta. Kortni thinks that squid ink is like their pee. Honey, if your pee is black, you need to call a doctor! All I can say is, at least you know the squid is real. Someone had on a judge show when I was around where the defendant was saying it's normal for restaurant calamari to actually be "imitation calamari" made from hog anus. I'm not sure I ever want to have calamari again unless I get to shake the tentacle of the donor squid myself!!
Not-Bobby teaches the contestants about Squid Anatomy, the newest prime time show on ABC. David knows that a pound has 16 ounces and says "I'm not an idiot." Um, that's debatable. Not-Bobby is filling a huge ravioli with squid tentacles and ham hocks to make the Jewish Nightmare Special. Anne wants to make pasta into a religious experience as she marries the pasta and the sauce, and then she consummates the marriage with oil. Always use lube! She's making Not-Bobby a little uncomfortable in a way that G-Spot hasn't been able to do so far. Give her time, my friends. Speaking of friends, Sarah named all of the squid after guys. If all of the guys in her life are limp and slimy, no wonder she drinks! Kristen gets squirted, but as we pause for me to write this, the frozen frame shows that her squid missed the money shot.
As the red team makes the pasta, Anne wants her team to get on top of it and grunt. Only if you use lube, though, folks! The teams have been told to make a well in their flour, but Kortni's making crop circles in the flour on her board. And Dave looks like the alien to land in it, since his hands have been replaced by black goo. He may have been on top of it and grunting, but if it's black that's still a trip to the doctor. Kortni forgot her squid ink, and adding it in late makes it look like she's trying to drizzle the top of it and make marbled cake. Dave forgot to put flour between his pasta sheets and ended up with something that looked like Truck Balls. Sarah stuffs her ravioli like fat guy on Thanksgiving and they're busting out of their sweatpants.
Judgment: Not-Bobby thinks what G-Spot's offering is too hot for him, but she thinks he should just be able to take it from her. He thinks Kortni's naked raviolo is beautiful but would prefer it be covered. Guess he really is modest. Kortni finally goes home for poor clock management, and David goes home to make his teddy bear meatloaf from fresh ingredients instead of prepackaged ones.
And now, sweet world, good night. See you next week on Days of our Kitchens as our contestants try to keep from sending the judges to General Hospital.
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