I've been meaning to revive SnarkFood, and the revival of Worst Cooks in America seemed like a good time, especially since Lil tagged me in a FB status about it. So, without further ado, let the snarking recommence!
With this season, we see Tyler Florence take Bobby's role as Male Celebrity Chef Not As Blonde As Anne Burrell. We will see his patience and his gag reflex tested to the utmost in this introductory episode. But even before that we see him wanting to hire the pole dancer while Anne considers the Shirtless Surfer Boy.
As the finalists enter the kitchen, we see Christina thinking that the stoves are attacking her. Um, yeah, honey. Being a therapist, I'm just going to leave that one alone and let others comment. Performance Artist Leo wants his hair to have sex with Anne's. Judging by the way he's prancing around later, he'd rather the rest of him have Tyler instead.
We open up with the task to make your own signature dish. One contestant can't tell potatoes from onions, while Christina is looking for goose fat. Goose fat?? Really??? Figure that everyone on this show is as silly as a goose, pick a neighbor, and start harvesting. But instead, she picks gummy bears. Because of course they taste like goose fat. Maybe after too many Rummy Bears you can't tell the difference? And then she starts trying to cut the gummy bears with a knife that still has a sheath on it. When corrected, she uses the back of the knife. Ambulance on standby, check.
Rachel Ray once described meatloaf mix as "cute little farm animals all ground up," but David really wants to take that to the extreme, shaping his meatloaf like a teddy bear. Six wants to be the Neil Patrick Harris of food, saying that he wants to make things that look like one thing and taste like something else, but that they never turn out tasting good. Mike's response: "So you should make something that looks like poop, then it will actually taste good!"
Wait, when people said someone microwaved a baked potato in a plastic bag, I thought it was by accident!! No, that's Kortni's specialty. Sarah's specialty seems to be talking like Julia Child as she drinks Chef Juice from a ladle. It's one thing when Amy Adams does it. You, Sarah, are no Amy Adams. Mike: "First, you must shove the chicken up your ass. You debone it by boning it." </Julia Child voice> Genique likes this idea, as she wishes she could say her cooking is like a G-spot. Her cooking does seem to be hard to find, but what's not hard to find is the piece of paper in the pan with her chicken. Jason's Criss Cross Applesauce makes us want to Jump, Jump out of the window, as he's crossing applesauce with mashed potatoes.
And now, it's time for tasting, Yummy! Kortni thinks she learned to microwave potatoes in a bag from Tyler. Not quite, honeybun. And now we see what Christina wanted the goose fat for. Matzo Bear Gummy Ball Gazpacho. I just have no words beyond that. She seems to leave me speechless a lot so far. Tyler says it best on the wine burgers: "I'm not sure what kind of animal that is, but it has clearly been through the wringer."
Draft day! Pole dancer Kristen actually gets picked first by Anne. Tyler likes Sarah Child's nude pasta with clam sauce, At least she's not the one trying to get in his pants. Leo's hair gets to play with Anne's until elimination time. Kortni is the last kid picked for the team, getting inflicted on Tyler.
All right, let's see who can pretend to learn and who shows they are too dumb even for that. Date night dinner with sex foods! Kristin doesn't think oysters taste like love at all, which makes us wonder if that's not the first time she's said that about something salty. Tyler's team is making chateaubriand, and Kortni learns for the first time that filet mignon is not a fish. Will we start seeing signs in Atlanta saying "EAT MOR GHOTI"? Well, maybe not, the cows clearly aren't linguists. Anne's team is making chicken with Israeli couscous and a special boiling dance. OMG, Tyler's mushrooms are making me swoon on the couch. WANT. RIGHT. NOW. The mushrooms, not Tyler.
While I get over my foodgasm, the contestants try their hand at the recipe. Kortni peels her fingernail along with the potato. At least there's no blood that way? Anne and Christina shake what their mamas gave them, but then she tries to add backwash to her couscous and has to start that step over. When they show the contestants meeting and seeing their townhouse, we learn that Sarah Child must still be a college student. No couch, no kitchen table. Does she eat sitting on her bed? Either way, she actually makes the best chateaubriand before showing that she's got nothing but a couple of butterflies floating around in her head. One of Anne's contestants has salty (couscous) balls.
Christina goes home on the red side, and she asks whether she can say goodbye to her workstation. I'm going to miss having her for snark fodder. Kortni is in the bottom two for the blue team but lives to microwave another day.
Next week is knife skills. Hope that ambulance is still on standby. See you then, marshmallows!
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