SnarkFood

You Be The Judge...

2012-02-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

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Is this just in my Teenage Dream(s), or did Last Friday Night include a lot of butter, y'all? Again... you be the judge.

Worst Cooks in America - 2/19/12

2012-02-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

Our competitors awaken to find a big fortune cookie on their table telling them to go to Chinatown. Dave points out that the music during the trip is a riff on "Turning Japanese." Serena points out that she's not going to be able to do this just because she's Asian, and Dave wonders whether Serena will start throwing around soy sauce and garlic like Debbie Lee. Anne informs the contestants that they will be making noodles from scratch. They do at least get to avoid some steps in the process, but they will be pulling the dough into noodles. I have a strong feeling that at least half the contestants will not flour their noodles enough to keep them separated. I'm not sure I would want to try that, especially not as a beginning cook.

The chefs teach knife skills, and Bobby opens a cat food can of red curry paste. I use red curry paste all the time, but my curry paste comes in a jar, thank you! Anne teaches smashing garlic, and Dave predicts that someone will end up hurting themselves. I'm more worried about fingers in the julienne cut on the carrots. The noodle-pulling begins, and Serena is the first to end up with a gloppy mess. Tiff is good enough at pulling noodles for Bobby to ask her during evaluation if she has done this before.

Erica, it's not toofoo, and it's not supposed to melt! Bobby just said it's supposed to heat through. Sherrill decides to skimp on the curry paste, but Serena uses the extra in her dish. Bobby tells Sherrill she's a very confident cook, and she replies that she cooks at home. Yes, honey, but you're on this show for a reason! Anthony describes his noodles as a fat kid and a skinny kid getting into a fight and leaving their fingers in a bowl. Bob turns his frown upside down and makes Anne smile as well with his consistent knife cuts. Rachel thinks Anne is giving her tough love...honey, that wasn't tough love, she was being really nice to you! As I typed this, though, I kept having the Freudian typo of "touch love"...well, now! Vinnie wins for the blue team, and Sherrill loses. Bob wins for the red team, and Rachel loses.

The theme of the main dish is comfort foods around the globe, with meatballs. Bobby comes perilously close to quoting Babylon 5 with his comment that every culture has a meatball. Trust me, that was Dave that noticed that and not me!! Uh oh, Anne and Bobby are teaching them to assemble the meat grinder? That's dangerous with this crowd. Tiffany is grossed out by what meat looks like raw. Dorothy wins brownie points for being able to correctly answer the question of why an egg is added to the mix. Bobby's making the meatballs small...how much you wanna bet that someone makes giganto balls that end up raw in the middle? And with his being pork... Anne talks about searing the meatballs before adding chicken stock to cook in order to avoid soggy, sad, limp-looking balls while Dorothy snickers.

Each of the competitors gets a country, but no recipe. Fortunately, they do get a basket of ingredients appropriate to the country. Unfortunately, they're encouraged to taste test...before they've developed a sense of taste and palate. Dave's now taking bets on who will be the one with the raw meatballs. My money's on Anthony, since he's the one always rushing at the end. Erica can't figure out that it helps to take the top off of the food processor to remove the contents. Vinnie hopes that Rachel will make things easier for him by dropping the ball; Rachel can't even make the ball to be able to drop it! Aside from the hair, David keeps reminding me of Clay Aiken...I guess it shows that I watched Celebrity Apprentice last night. Sherrill says Sweden is safe and reminds her of the Alps and skiing, since it's part of Switzerland. You know, Tiff not knowing where Lebanon is doesn't surprise me, but not knowing that Sweden is a separate country?? Wow, Anthony's done early! OH, NO, Serena should not be given extra time!!! She decides to garnish her Spanish meatballs with something like $200 worth of saffron! Sherrill turns out to be the one with big balls, and Bobby hopes they're cooked. Dave is going nuts as he sees Sherrill's pink sauce, which he says looks like Pepto Bismol.

Time for tasting and evaluation. Erica wants to please the four flavors the tongue can experience, which apparently includes "crunchy." Anthony wins the Indian meatballs. Bobby listens to Serena describe her Spanish meatballs and decides as he's laughing that he's quitting all the rest of his jobs to just do this. Serena beats Bennet despite her waste of saffron. Both Sherrill and Bob have pink sauce, but it's actually lingonberry, so it isn't as frightening as it looks. Sherrill thinks she is getting a slap in the face from Bobby for him telling her that her tennis balls are raw. If you want a slap in the face for raw food, honey, try Gordon Ramsay! Dave points out that Sherrill is frequently wrong but never in doubt. Score one for Bob. Dave says that Rachel's meatballs looked sad...someone has to have sadplate now that Bob is no longer sadface. Vinnie does not look like he will go home on meatballs, so he will eventually be allowed back into Philly. Tiff and Melissa show their Lebanese meatballs; Melissa has no flavor, and Tiff wins. Dorothy and David have a close competition on Greece, but Dorothy wins. Kelli's goat cheese turns out to have been a better move than it looked at the time, adding flavor and moisture, and she beats Benjamin on France. Red team beats blue by one country, and we approach elimination.

Dave thinks it's not looking good for Rachel, and I think Sherrill's on the chopping block. Dorothy wins the day on the red team, and Vinnie on the blue team. Benjamin avoids being among the bottom two by a hair, leaving Erica and Sherrill hanging. Rachel and Bennet are on the bottom for the red. Anne foreshadows her choice by pointing out that Bennet has been showing improvement, and she does indeed send Rachel home. Erica and Sherrill are told they have very different problems, with Erica being a tornado in the kitchen, and Sherrill is reminded that she came here to learn new skills rather than to repeat what she had been doing. Sherrill is sent home, and she says that she'll continue cooking, you just watch. Oh, believe me, I'll be watching the headlines.

Next week we get Food Network Dance Party!

...That Just Shouldn't Be Served!

2012-02-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Via: http://imgur.com/PRUOo

The kicker? Someone actually found this comment helpful. Huh?

Sounds almost right...

2012-02-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

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I think my personal corollary to this one is "OMG...I really want to eat there!". That may be an offshoot of how hungry I am, though.

Iron Chef America - Duff v. Symon

2012-02-12T20:01:00.001-08:00

As I finish snarking Worst Cooks in America, Iron Chef America comes on (in a rerun) with Chef Duff Goldman from Ace of Cakes and I comment that I'd love to see him take on Mike Symon. The time comes to choose an Iron Chef to challenge, and Duff says that he wants to challenge the man who took his laugh, his haircut, and his love of bacon, his doppelganger, Mike Symon. Ok, I have to snark this! Secret ingredient: 2 ingredients, this time, chilis and chocolate.

Duff says he's going to show he can cook by cooking classics and making them awesome. Symon pretends to be surprised about being described as bald as he rubs pork with cocoa powder and has one of his sous chefs making chocolate pasta. Ooh, chocolate stout going into a dutch oven on the Iron Chef side. Symon goes up to the judging table to pour champagne for the judges, and a friend comments on FB that they need to show more closeups of Nigella.

Duff complains about Symon not telling him that the sheet pans don't fit in the oven, and Symon laughs and tells him where the half sheet pans are. Yay, sportsmanship! Duff is playing with meringue, and now I want to try chili meringues instead of peppermint ones. Even without Bobby Flay being on the floor, who will be the first to make a mojo with the theme ingredients? Duff uses a drill to excavate serrano peppers and I get more ideas. Dave and I used to joke that if we were on Next Food Network Star back when they allowed pairs compete together, our theme would be bringing the garage into the kitchen, using various tools in cooking. Symon moans as he cuts into pork belly. Just don't light a cigarette around those gas implements!

Alton has gotten to the point of yelling to Duff's peanut gallery to shut up with the cheering and noisemakers. I love Duff's look of mock surprise as Alton predicts what he's planning to do with his tuille batter/dough. Ooh, poblanos and triple sec, I can see that being really good. Duff's cheering section has taken the foam finger idea one step further with an inflatable finger.

In one of the commercials, we see Jeff Mauro talking about visiting other chefs and then using what they do as inspiration to make new sandwiches. I like that, since I still kinda wondered how sustainable the Sandwich King idea was.

Turns out Mike Symon is the first to do a mole, with his moan-worthy pork belly. Dried cacao pods as a serving vessel for the lobster dish almost as a play on Lobster Thermidor, I like it. Also, Duff melts pure cocoa butter to cook scallops in...interesting. Apparently Duff doesn't think he's getting enough props for this, and Alton argues back that it's easier to notice what he's doing if his cheering section is quieter and that maybe Duff should worry less about Alton's attention and more about there only being 7 minutes left. Symon tries to steal Duff's baseball cap, and Duff tells Symon that he can have the hat if he wins.

Alton is thrilled that the Chairman is gone, since he gets to play Vice-Chairman (insert jokes about the game Mao here) and eat for once. One of the judges tells Symon she's not really a pork fan, and it seems clear that, despite being really hot, she drops off his list of women he'd consider. We learn that Symon does indeed pronounce the word as "sherbert," and I immediately flash back to elementary school and the amount of teasing that one boy got because his last name was Sherbert.

In the end, Symon gets the win and the hat with a landslide win. Alton quotes Peanuts to finish up. Not as much snarkiness in this episode of SnarkFood, but it was an enjoyable episode.

Worst Cooks in America - 2/12/12

2012-02-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to SnarkFood, boys and girls! The snark has been focused elsewhere for a while, but it's coming back to the food arena. Tonight we start with the season opener, with Bobby Flay as this season's foil to Anne Burrell. The show begins with "highlights" from the selection process. We have a culinary student with uncooked food, a woman with pink hair who keeps putting herself (and once her husband) in the ER, and a woman who puts things that individually are good together and makes horrible combinations. Seriously, woman, you are the right age to have learned from Full House the same as I did! Michelle only got her cooking badge in Bumblebees once she stopped putting things like tuna fish and ice cream together and just made orange juice popsicles!

One woman considers herself "resourceful" in the kitchen as she dismantles bell peppers with shears and tells Bobby that he's not menopausal. Oh, no, dishwasher salmon??? Who the hell cooks in the dishwasher?? Jurassic Mark agrees on Facebook: "Dishwasher salmon? You cook the salmon in the dishwasher????? End the show NOW- that guy is clear the worst!" Someone comments that they've heard of it and that it's like using the appliance as a steamer. Then get a damned steamer!! Mark replies: "My guess is that if you have a dishwasher, then you probably have an oven. Use it. If you are too lazy to cook in an oven, get out of the kitchen. And never invite me over for a meal. Or anything else. First it's dishwater salmon. Next it will be toilet tank gespacho." Someone else posts a link to directions. Still, really?? I agree with Mark: "There is NO WAY I would ever cook it in a dishwasher. EVER." And Dave lets us know the next day that (until this gets posted) "toilet tank gazpacho" is indeed a GoogleNope. Thank goodness!!!

I love Anne: "If that's cooking with love, I'd hate to see what she does to something she doesn't like!" And Bobby: "Bennet's Cheesy Party is not a party I want to go to."

Now we get to the team picks. The interesting dynamic this time is that there's not such a stigma to being picked last, since each chef picks a person for themselves and then a person for the other person. So the real problem is being the second person picked (even though the last person picked does end up getting all angsty over that fact). Anne takes the one that seems to be frowning as he cooks, describing him as a sad puppy.

"We have only 8 weeks to turn two of you into awesome cooks." The rest of you don't matter. I like that as part of teaching breakfast, they're teaching them 4 different ways to make eggs. "I want to make scrambled, because that's what I usually make accidentally." Uh oh, Anne's going as far as separating eggs and beating egg whites. I think I like Bobby's recipe better as a beginner's recipe. As we continue to watch, Mark comments on his status with, "Did none of these people have parents who taught them to cook? The answer is no."

Tasting and judgment: I'd eat Vinnie's pancakes, they look great! I love the comment of, "I really thought I could cook, but maybe my husband was right. I don't want my husband to be right." "That is the fabulous syrup. It might also be cement syrup, or a candle, or a weapon." Bobby: "Was there anything I did in my demonstration that confused you?" Response: "Everything!"

Anne's team: Anne tells Richard that he needs to get serious about wanting to learn. Pink-haired Dorothy decides she's willing to color inside the lines in at least one area of her life. Other than that, nothing special about evaluation.

Tiffany wins on the blue team and excited to have sucked the least this time. Kelly wins on the red team with her "beautiful plate," as described by Anne. Libby becomes the first to turn in her apron and is thinking of just never trying to cook again. Richard is not given the chance to get serious in this arena but says that he is not going to give up and that he wants to learn to cook well enough that his girlfriend will say yes when he proposes. Apparently this wake-up call was good for him (at least for as long as he's on camera).

Until next week, ladies and gentlemen. In the meantime, Iron Chef America just came on with Chef Duff from Ace of Cakes as the challenger. Oh, this'll be good, especially if it ends up being him against Mike Symon!

Hell's Kitchen Finale 9/19/11

2011-09-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

I decided to skip the 6 episodes in between in order to catch the finale on the night it airs. I'll go back afterwards and snark the highlights.

So we join Elise, Paul, Tommy, and Will as they have survived to the end. Given this lineup, I'm rooting for Will without a doubt. Will describes himself as a machine in the kitchen, and Dave points out that HK relies on technical skills while Food Network Star relies on cooking and presenting with emotion. Will (and probably most of the good HK chefs) would probably be miserable on FNS. We see that Jennifer was the second-to-last woman in the kitchen. I can definitely see that...she was quiet but strong in the early episodes.

For the challenge, we have the traditional family visit with then recreating a dish. Let's see who is inspired by it and who is distracted. Tommy barely stops kissing his cute little 19-year-old long enough to say maybe they should get married when he gets home. Yeah, that's romantic, especially with his mom sitting right next to him. Will says he's fired up and waiting to kill everyone around and switch the bodies. Trust the Jersey boy to say that!

This one is a fish dish, with the group divided between monkfish, cod, and halibut. Most wrapped it in prosciutto, but Tommy wraps his with serrano ham. Chef gives them a little more guidance than he usually does, pointing out that they can cook up two different fishes and go with what seemed right at the end. Tommy was wrong on the serrano ham, and the fish is...the commercial break. Or actually, it's Paul's cod. Better than than when he was thinking with his codpiece with the Swiss car racer! Elise starts sniffling again. Will owns up to the fact that he has no one to blame but himself. Paul and his brother get to go to a Dodgers game and meet Tommy Lasorda and Don Mattingly. What is this, the season of athletes? Paul says it doesn't get any better than this, which just about guarantees that he won't win. Ramsay throws out the first pitch and gets it to the plate. Then he brings them hot dogs in their box seats. The losers get to clean the apartment, and they find plates of food under some beds and a broken wineglass beside another.

Two people are going home after dinner service, with the added fun of each of the contestants taking a turn at the pass. What tricks do our souschefs have up their sleeves? Paul misses lobster in the cappellini as a setup, but he does catch Tommy's mistake of raw fish.

And then Dave goes ballistic.

Paul is still getting on Tommy about not giving times for his fish, at which point it's pointed out from Elise, "If they're already flustered, there's no point in screaming and yelling at anybody. That's not leadership." Dave explodes, "WHAT? Hello, pot, kettle, black!" (as Jessie adds, "And Omarosa screams in rage from whatever cave the troll is hiding in.")

Tommy is a disaster at the pass, unable to keep anything straight or catch the sabotage in the order from James. Dave comments that, "Tommy is being run by the kitchen. This is a textbook example of it." Elise is next, and Paul comments that she needs to put up or shut up. She does manage to catch parsnip puree for mashed potatoes after mistaking cauliflower puree for the potatoes. Tommy calls her "babe" at the pass...no wonder he can only get a 19-year-old to date him! Elise says she needs carrots yesterday, and Dave comments that saying you need something yesterday is a great way to piss people off. Will is last up at the pass and starts out strong, repeating back the times he is given from his troops. He catches Scott's sabotage almost before Scott lets go of the plate. Elise starts screwing up on garnish enough to make Will wonder if she's trying to sabotage him. Unfortunately, he focuses on her to the extent that he loses control of the kitchen.

Dave rewinds and analyzes the Anatomy of a Meltdown: "Here's where it all falls apart: Will says, in front of everyone in the kitchen, 'Attitude and a half on a girl that can't cook for shit.' Look, I know this from experience: you can think whatever you want about the people that work for you. You can think they're not competent. But the moment you let that be known and make it so that they know you think it too, you've lost them. And that's what happens here. All of Will's people have lost confidence in him as a leader, and it shows. Very bad form, Will."

The chefs do start responding to Will eventually and he finishes his time at the pass. Well, there's no question who the strongest one was: Paul wasn't perfect, but he was able to do anything. Tommy thinks it went well as a whole? We think he was the worst! So does Chef Ramsay, as the first decision is to send him home. And then there were three. Chef asks them each why they deserve to be in the final...he didn't even wait to do this before sending Tommy out. Will is the first one into the final where we thought it would be Paul. Paul versus Will is going to be a great contest! Dave and I were watching tensely to make sure that was the matchup we would get, and we were right. Will proves he's a class act by telling Elise she has nothing to be ashamed of, and Ramsay allows her to keep the jacket. The question is, how will Elise handle not being in charge when the contestants come back to serve as sous chef?

By the way, Elise, some of our parting contestants may receive the following: a set of five leadership courses, courtesy of Alpha Phi Omega National Service Fraternity, for the low, low price of a college course at a participating university plus $65 payable in two installments.

And now, the conclusion of Hell's Kitchen. Will and Paul were two of the strongest contestants from the beginning, and I'd be happy to see either of them win, but I'm rooting for Will. They're sent upstairs to work on their menus, and Dave advises them to not get too drunk on the champagne in the apartment. They're taken out to dinner, where they become the chefs. Paul falls for the trick, showing that he hasn't paid enough attention in previous seasons. He says he feels like a culinary rock star and notices all the girls. Thinking with your cod again, Paul? Will asks Andi what she thinks about a red "pesto," and she sounds impressed as she says, "That's hot." Now we know what gets Andi excited!

Will's showing more confidence in the tasting, as Paul is showing his nerves. Guys, it's all going to come down to the last dish anyway! Both fish dishes are a touch overdone, but Paul gets the point. Will ties it up again, of course, as the taster takes another bite of his ribeye. We both think Paul's filet dish looked more appealing, but Will wins it. Paul has a genuine smile and an enthusiastic clap for Will. Again, I like both of these guys. As the guys get to choose their souschefs, Ramsay asks who's going to help them out. I add, who's going to fuck them up. Will picks Tommy first, Paul picks Elise since he doesn't have the bad blood with her. Will picks Krupa and leaves Carrie for Paul, not because he doesn't think Carrie is good but because he wants Paul to have to deal with having Elise and Carrie on the same team. Elise is threatening to beat the crap out of Carrie afterwards and then trying to debate with Paul about what station he gets.

Will is teaching his team the menu. He draws a quail that looks like female anatomy and a quail leg and thigh combo that looks like male anatomy. Jennifer comments that he needs to get out of HK and gets laid. The day of dinner service, Will appears more calm than Paul. Chef tells Paul that two of his dishes need serious work, and Paul walks out to cool down.

Dave comments, "It doesn't matter what any of his team is wondering. Paul is doing the best thing for himself right now: getting away for a few minutes to calm down, compose himself, find his focus, and not show his being frazzled in front of his team. A leader needs to look the part of confidence in his team at all times, even if he/she doesn't always believe it (though actually believing it is a lot better). I've found this to be a weakness in myself, and it really showed several times last season in curling: I needed to look more confident in my team (and myself too) when things weren't going as well as we would have liked. What was the result for us? Almost any time the game was close, we lost: literally. We went something like 1-9 in games that came down to the very end. That's simply confidence, and my teammates told me that I needed to show it." I can't blame Paul for tearing up there, either, even before hearing him talk about his late mother...that's a lot of emotion there. It's not like Elise crying about losing.

When Paul comes back, he's more inspiring than Will. He said he wants his team to show tonight what got them as far as they got and tells them that this is for his mom. The question is, will this push him beyond what he can do on his own, or will the weight of it crush him? Elise says she's not bitter and she wants to help Paul win. Still, she screws up her first app and sets a pan on fire on her second try. As they get to entrees, Elise is louder than Paul once Chinua Achebe shows up and things fall apart. Dave points out that few other bloggers would reference Achebe...I guess I'm just special that way. Elise, who the hell are you to call Jonathon or anyone else a crybaby? Are you going to bring back "dum-dum" next?

Paul replaces Jonathon with Elise on the meat station, and it starts to look like Will needs to replace Krupa on fish. Elise then moves over to Carrie's garnish station and calls it "Operation Save-a-Ho." Oh, yes, she did. Will does replace Krupa with Natalie, who asks Krupa about a piece of fish, "What is it supposed to be?" Krupa shows her mad fishy skillz by responding, "Cooked." Dave tells Krupa that she has given him enough confidence to consider auditioning, since she made it halfway through the season. Paul gets more and more agitated as he tells his team to push. I'm not sure I want to see him in a birthing room someday! At the end, Paul points out that he's the only person who's been able to get Elise and Carrie to work together.

Each of them says they don't think they won, and they seem genuine about it rather than pretending to be modest. Dave thinks it goes to Will. I kinda do, too, but I'm not sure. Paul is pacing, and Will asks if he can join in. Judging or joining? Joining, apparently. Dave points out that it would be really awful if the phone rang and it was a wrong number. Paul's handle is a little lower than Will's, which makes me wonder. Holy crap, it is Paul! He did manage to do it for his mom, which has to be as special for his brother as for him.

I hope the outtakes at the end make it onto YouTube, cause those were great!

Dave concludes, "It's nice to see some new things coming up in Hell's Kitchen. It's nice to see a little more of the softer side of Gordon, more of what we've seen every once in a while with Masterchef and Kitchen Nightmares (especially the British version). Sure, I love seeing some of the same things like the blind taste test, the "roll the dice for ingredients (and don't say figs!)" challenge, and the taste-it-and-make-it challenge. And yeah, you know Gordon's gonna be a hard-ass, period. But it's nice to see a little something different coming out this season. It's too easy for a show like this to do the same thing over and over; adding little things to keep it fresh brings people back again and again."

Hell's Kitchen 8/8/11

2011-09-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ooh, now the description calls it a lavish prize!

Let's see if Paul can come back from the last episode. Jonathon describes getting called up for elimination as Ramsay needing to point out some weaknesses in him for him to work on. I like that attitude. After the elimination, we have more drunken shenanigans, this time from Krupa. Fortunately not Soup Shenanigans. Unfortunately, she's hungover for the team challenge. We meet a couple of beer sommaliers...beermaliers?...and see what they would do with different ingredients. Jonathon says, "You had me at baby back ribs." Each dish for the team challenge has to involve beer, but as Dave points out, the challengers are taking rather large "samples" of the different beers. Tommy points out to Jonathon to "think of colors," which Dave notes is surprisingly insightful as Tommy is trying to be ridiculous in impressing the blond judge.

Krupa manages to flambe her beer...not sure if she was trying to do that or not. The girls have to drop one dish since they have one more member than the blue team, and for once they drop someone other than Carrie! They do rank Carrie as the last one to make the cut, but Ramsay calls her dish the best one she's ever made. Paul's dish (ranked last) involves Heffe-why-zen broth that makes one of the tasters choke on the bitterness. Jonathon, if you have to tell them that it's a tasty dish, it's not. Elise gets the point for the red team and is surprisingly not bitching about being ranked 4th out of 6. Tommy also can't pronounce Heffeweissen...do guys seriously know less than I do about beer?? I know I'm married to Dave, but still! Blue team wins, red team looks pissed, and Tommy thinks he's all that. Then he makes us really wonder. Ramsay tells the blue team he has a great day planned for them and asks if they like speed. Tommy asks, "Meth or coke?" Dude, I didn't even think that and I worked in addictions! (course, I had crack addicts, not coke addicts, but I never heard them call coke "speed")

Well, we find out why Elise cries. Because she lost. Seriously. And then she's standing there watching her team unload a truck of ice and saying she's not going to. Carrie lifts 2 bags and breaks one open while Elise calls her a dum-dum. First of all, maybe she wouldn't have to lift 2 bags at a time if you would do your part, bitch! Second, YOU'RE NOT FIVE YEARS OLD!!! First crying about losing and then calling someone else a dum-dum?? That's a frickin lollipop, not an insult!

Meanwhile, the blue team gets to drive Indycars, helped by Arie Luyendyk (which Dave notes, "Sweet! They got one of the legends!") and a female not named Danica Patrick. Paul, of course, proceeds to try to hit on the female driver, asking where she's from (Switzerland) and noting "I'm a big fan of your cheese." Um, flirting FAIL.

Elise refuses at first to do anything to help with lifting kegs, and the team confronts her in the evening about not helping. Elise says she's been busting her ass too. Elise, you haven't been busting anything except the nerves of everyone around you, including the viewers! Elise tells us that she's not here to make friends...yes, girl, you've told us that every damned episode. She does say that she'll try to be more helpful, and she does offer to help others during prep. We'll see how long this lasts, but might as well enjoy it in the meantime. Yet again the guys are determined to bounce back and have a good dinner service.

And so dinner service begins. Dave sees that they have Andre Carter, who actually played football, and Matt Leinart, credited as a "Professional Football Player" but better known for his flings with Paris Hilton and getting paid boatloads to hold a clipboard (no, Dave's not jealous at all, and that has nothing to do with Paris Hilton...he likes girls with a little more meat on their bones and a little more under their hair). "Credited as" a football player? What is this, IMDB? There's a special tonight of Belgian ale-steamed mussels...might have to try that. We see that in prep Carrie told Elise she needed to drain her salads...she didn't bother and then tried to throw Carrie under the bus when she puts up a soggy salad. Well, that was short and sweet.

Natalie wastes over 30 scallops in trying to get a good order...Dave and I have done better than that with lesser-quality scallops! Elise steps up again to expedite things...we still haven't seen if she's going to continue helping in any way besides bossing people around. Once the blue team gets to entrees, Jonathon blames Tommy for the pastry in the wellingtons still being raw...even though they apparently worked on them together! Dave says, "So, the moral of the story tonight: when doing prep, pay fucking attention! Everything that's gone wrong is prep problems (except Natalie and the scallops)."

Krupa goes from raw meat to overcooked meat, and I have a feeling she's going home tonight. Jonathon's next to give us an overcooked wellington. Why bring it up when you know it's overcooked? Natalie and Jonathon get sent out of the kitchen, and Jonathon quits and walks off telling Ramsay to kiss his ass. Well, that may keep Krupa from going home, even with Ramsay not paying attention to the "I quit"! Jonathon complains about the prep, but it being overcooked is his fault just as the raw sea bass is Natalie's fault.

Both teams lose and have to nominate 2 people. Jonathon, Natalie, Elise, and Krupa. Red team might nominate Jamie instead for issues with fish, but I think they'll put Elise up instead. The red team put up Jamie, and Elise makes a face when Carrie hesitates before saying it. Jonathon digs a hole for himself as he says he wishes he had defied Ramsay when sent out of the kitchen. I think it's between him and Krupa at this point. He hates people shutting down more than he hates backtalk, because he sends Krupa home. Dave wonders what is up this year with the random applause for people when they're eliminated...it just seems wrong.

Hell's Kitchen 8/2/11

2011-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

Good to see you again, SnarkFans! We are glad to be back after a month and a half that provided plenty of SnarkFodder (some of which can be found at my other blog and some will only come out after a couple of beers).

So as we rejoin our special friends in Hell's Kitchen, we see that the rating includes mention of sexual situations and Dave gets excited. The recap reminds us that after drama in the red kitchen and incompetence in the blue kitchen, Gina was sent home. As the episode begins, Ramsay tells the contestants that they're getting a clean slate as they cater a high school reunion. Paul and Elizabeth go to meet with the reunion committee to find out what they want, and Carrie says Elizabeth doesn't listen. Ooh, the blondes are sniping at each other.

Elizabeth asks how the ladies feel about meat and fish on the same plate, "like a surf and turf." Um, no. But Dave points out, "No, no, that's a perfectly reasonable question. It could be typical of Hawaiian cooking all the time. Heck, the bigger Hawaiian plate lunches have some sort of meat (pork) and fish (in banana leaves) together all the time. She's not crazy at all for asking that. Paul might be missing something here." The question is, will Elizabeth suggest a surf and turf anyway or will the red team overrule her and do it anyway? No, she considers Hawaiian equivalent to Asian and just tells the red team "Asian." Then she decides lentils fit into the theme. Might as well give all of the points to the blue team now. To add to the fun, Carrie and Jennifer can't agree on ingredients or plating for their dish.

Yep, the blue team sweeps it and I'm jealous of the tasters for getting to try the blue dishes. It's not just that the women completely blew it, the blue dishes were amazing. Even the one dish that Ramsay thought was too small was so good that the tasters thought it was worth the small portions. The blue team gets a day on a "superyacht"...someone put sunscreen on Natalie, please! We hear, "The Paul is on board." Dave comments that people who refer to themselves as "The _____" make him wonder, especially when the blank is filled with their name instead of a nickname. Natalie gets a bit tipsy and clowns around...luckily for them, the service wasn't that night. Unfortunately for them, they're hungover in the morning.

The red team has to make a three-layer cake for the reunion. My first thought is, I bet they don't know enough to put straws or dowels in to support the top 2 tiers. My second thought is that they completely screwed up covering the layers with fondant, so they're sure to not support it correctly. I'm completely distracted from their bickering for once because I'm too busy critiquing their (lack of) decorating skills. That cake is going to fall over horrifically. Ramsay says, "It's like a big Mexican sombrero gone wrong." Ole! I could do better than that having never made a tiered cake (so far, I'm meaning to try it)...at least I know how to cover a cake with fondant and the theory of supporting tiers!

As dinner service starts, the red team is confused about preparing the menu. Dave comments that this is what prep is for, but during prep they were too busy fucking up a cake! The blue team is on to entrees while the red team can't get apps out...unfortunately, fish proves to trip them up, with a stone cold center. Paul, we expect better from you. Ramsay asks who's going to lead the red kitchen and gets silence in return until Elise steps up, saying in her cutaway interview that she's a natural-born leader. After all, she says she's "got a big mouth but knows how to use it," which leads Dave to ask, "Does your man like how you lead him in the bedroom, then?" (Maybe he's still hung up on the sexual situations he hasn't gotten enough of yet?) The red team gets a set of appetizers out, and Elyse proceeds to crow, "That's right. That means I don't just talk." Dave adds, "Yeah, you can apparently put your hands behind your back too. Great leaders are known for doing that instead of getting involved!" Um, yeah, I know what my Command Sergeant Major father would say to that, and it would not be pretty. The red team does start pushing out entrees, though.

What is wrong with Monterray these last couple of days? He had poor focus in the team challenge, and he's having trouble helping Natalie with garnish. Paul has more raw red snapper, making Ramsay into a red snapper and cusser and yeller. Jonathan and Monterray get pushed onto the fish station to replace him, which quickly becomes Monterray cooking fish while Jonathan stands in the corner basically saying, "Call me if you need me, dude." Monterray screws up the snapper, and Ramsay shuts it down. Jonathan asks if there's anything he can do to help and complains about getting sent upstairs again. Gee, maybe you should have asked what you can do while your kitchen was cooking.

I'm seeing three good candidates for elimination: Monterray, Paul, and Jonathan. I'd like to see Paul stay, and at this point I'd like to see Jonathan go home for passing the buck. Monterray's been weak enough overall that it'll probably be him, though. Nominees are Monterray and Paul, but Ramsay calls Jonathan forward too...good move. Paul shows passion as he fights for his life, and this is the only bad service he's had, so he is told to get back in line. Chef sends Monterray home, and Natalie nods in agreement. Monterray says that if he knew standing back and not cooking was the way to stay safe, he would have done that...thus showing that he doesn't deserve to win. Elise comments on the way out that this is her prize and no one better stand in her way. Dave points out that the main person getting in Elise's way is Elise.

The preview for next week describes it as heartstopping. We're not sending someone else to the ER, are we? Dave wonders if that would make Elise cry like she does in the preview, but I don't think that would make her cry unless it was her. Jonathan survives another day only to be seen storming out of the kitchen in the preview.

Burned!

2011-08-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Presented without any comment other than the one in the title...

HT: C. Pitchford - Submitted to the I'm Nor Right In The Head group on Facebook by: T. Klosak

Hell's Kitchen 8/1/11

2011-08-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

Dave asked me if I was up for snarking tonight. I told him I could snark if snarking were called for. Bonus SnarkFood Points (redeemable nowhere) for whoever gets that reference.

Dave needs to watch the recap for once because he forgets which loser we got rid of last time. Chino? I think so. That's right, this was the episode with no winners. Dave notes that Chino can close his mouth now, cause it sure as heck shouldn't have been a shock to him.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen, as if we couldn't tell that each episode except a season premiere is the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. I really wish Elise would shut her mouth already. I think I wish she would get off my tv as much as Dave wanted Chris off of his tv. Dave comments that at least no one can describe Elise as passive-aggressive, cause there is no passive there! As I type, I recall why I never forget how to spell "aggressive." Years of marching band in high school meant years of hearing the cheerleaders spell it as part of a cheer.

The contestants come downstairs to a scene out of Dexter's Laboratory, and Dave comments that it must be West Virginia Moonshine Week! After all, it was in WV that he had his first and only moonshine. Man, I didn't know anyone seriously made moonshine anymore before that. He claims to remember what happened in the first quarter of that football game... Me, I'm remembering the Maryland band drummers playing Green Acres and the rhyme my friend LeeAnn made up involving "my hair is in a mullet, with my teeth I open beer. I like the taste of possum, cause I'm a Mountaineer!"

The contestants get to work with food scientists who make pizza that changes flavor to a dessert as you eat it. Dave wonders when Willy Wonka is going to walk in and thought he had retired after turning the factory over to Charlie. Well, he can't exactly turn that kind of thing off...

The contestants get to choose a protein and cook it with only fire and water: steaming, boiling and poaching. The red team needs to choose one dish not to use, and Dave lays his money on it being Carrie's. Looks that way, since they give her the same meat that another team member is using and they have to have each one represented. The team chooses Elizabeth's dish, but Ramsay points out that most of them haven't even tasted Carrie's dish. Elise replies that she tastes with her eyes first and liked the look of Elizabeth's dish better. Dave thinks that it's reasonable to taste with the eyes first, but I reply that you do still have to taste with your tongue to accurately decide...if you actually care about accurately deciding at least. Dave's doing that silly two-thumbs thing as he says, "Who called it? This guy!" He goes on, "Face it girls, Carrie's going to be around for a while because she's good tv. Besides, she's not as incompetent as you think. She blew a kiss in the opening sequence, though, so we know she won't win." I'd like to see her moved to the blue team to see how she could do.

Jonathon's filet "looked like a train wreck, but it's the best-tasting damned train wreck you'll ever see!" Maybe it was, but you still lost to the better presentation from Jennifer and the red team. Ramsay puts his face in his hands at Monterray's prawns Benedict even before knowing how overcooked the prawns were. Dave notes that there's broccoli on the plate; I respond that it's broccoli rabe, and Dave says he doesn't care if it's broccoli Rob or broccoli John or what. Elizabeth's dish lacks seasoning, and Ramsay asks to try Carrie's dish. He tells the red team they put the wrong dish up and awards no points for prawns. The red team's salmon is overcooked, and Will shows his food chops by having cooked the egg over his salmon in a double boiler as was done in days of yore. Point for blue. Tattoo Man Tommy puts too much on his plate and actually says, "I don't really think when I do things, I just do them." That is not exactly conducive to long life on this show...Tommy's fortune would instead be "Hope the lotto numbers work." Gina wins easily. Dave comments that poaching is best for the guinea hen, salmon, and lobster and that he would like to try that out sometime to expand his repertoire. Elise's lobster is rubbery, and Paul ties it up. No surprise that Will and Paul earn points for the blue team. Natalie is told her veal terrine has a texture like cat food...maybe for Koko! Krupa, don't tell them your veal sauce is delicious because that makes them expect it not to be. It's delicious, but it's not actually veal, it's filet. Again no points are awarded, and we have a tie, but Ramsay blasts the red team for the meat mistake and for leaving the best dish on the side. Yes, folks, he said Carrie's dish was not just better than Elizabeth's, it was the best on the team. How do ya like them apples, Elise?! Dave comments, "So blue team wins by default...default-of-de-other-team. Ramsay thanks his honoured (he is a Brit after all) guests and, off camera, apologizes to them for all the crap they had to eat."

Elise is griping again and blaming the loss on Krupa. Um, honey, you didn't earn your team a point either. Ramsay tells the red team they're going to get wet, scrubbing the hot tub and the fountain. Hmmm, I hope it wasn't filmed in winter...then again in LA, it probably doesn't matter much. The blue team gets to go to a spa, which sounds great until Ramsay announces dinner service is tonight. Don't get too relaxed, blue team! The red team is blaming the loss on Krupa for the tiebreaker, conveniently forgetting that all of them but Carrie are to blame since the decision was also made based on them rejecting her dish without bothering to taste it. Elise comments that her pissedivity level is high and she has not patience today. First of all, who made you the Neologist of LA, and second of all, when have you ever had patience? At the spa,Will gets his brows waxed while Jonathon has the intelligence to stay FAR away from hot wax. And yes, this is the girl in the house saying that waxing is idiotic. Will says his brows look great...metrosexual much?

As they prep for dinner service, Elise talks about how "we" will do. Elise, you never have a real "we" in your vocabulary. There is tableside halibut sashimi tonight, served by Jennifer and Natalie. Dave comments that they are both hereby safe from elimination, since they have infinitely more sense than Salvatore. Let's see how the blue team does without Natalie helping hold them together. At the beginning the blue team is communicating nicely. Ramsay asks who made the red team's risotto, and Krupa is to blame. Dave comments that it looks watery but than catches himself and notes that he shouldn't really criticize risotto when he's never made it. Seriously, honey, you haven't even had that many risottos! Jonathon is on garnish and keeps having trouble remembering what garnish goes with what entree. Man, and Dave had thought he would be the best of the dinner trio of him, Monterray, and Tommy! Gina doesn't open her mouth, even when Ramsay asks how much time until she is ready. Too bad we can't average her and Chino. He sends Krupa upstairs to cool her heels while her team finishes without her. That's too bad, since she had looked really good the first couple of weeks. The red team starts getting appetizers out again, partially because of...Carrie! Dave points out that they'll still probably put her up for elimination and directs me to call them the red "team" for the rest of tonight. The blue team's cod has reddish-brown corners from being overdone to the point where it looks to me like tako. Dave thinks it looks like that poor fish just got out of Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib. I'll take jokes we couldn't have made 10 years ago for $600, Alex.

The blue diners are waiting for entrees as the red team catches up, and we find out that they are keeping the bread baskets full. Tommy still can't cook fish and Gina still won't open her mouth except to say, "Yes, Chef." After tonight, those two will really be livin' on a prayer, or at least on the backs of even dumber compadres. If I were Gina, I'd be dreaming of Elise running away! Monterray and Tommy get sent upstairs to join Krupa. Whoa, wait a minute, which one of them said they had everything clockwork perfect, Tommy? Seriously? Clockwork Orange perfect, maybe! He seriously thinks he didn't deserve to be thrown out. Um, Tommy, we saw the Dick Cheney Special cod, you don't have a leg to stand on. Gina sends Ramsay raw sea bass...the sashimi was the first course, sweetheart. Dave comments, "Raw bass? There's a Gossip Girl joke just waiting to be made here." Yes, dears, the Y chromosome in the house (besides Kechara) made the GG reference!

Ramsay throws out Gina and Elise (since Elise didn't have her garnishes at the right time thanks to Gina's lack of communication). For once, we actually agree with Elise about not deserving to be sent away and not being the worst on the team. Dave comments that the worst person was the first one to be sent up, Krupa. Ramsay tells the teams he can't see a leader anywhere; Dave replies that he can see at least two, maybe more. "They may be rare, but they're not raw." Both teams lose, which means Gina and Tommy are indeed livin' on a prayer. This should be easy: Krupa, Gina, Monterray, and Tommy. Dave: "If you send up anyone else, you're an idiot. Yeah, you can make a case for Tommy, but it's not a very good case, not compared to the other two." Whoa, Elise doesn't nominate Carrie! The look on Carrie's face looks to Dave as if she had been nominated, but I think that's just surprise. Elise once again bitches about people taking things out on her, takes it all personally, and says it's not about the team. But Dave comes back at her, "Elise, if you WERE a team, you wouldn't be having to nominate anybody!" Carrie's just glad that, finally, she's not up there herself. For once, some of the red team got at least a little bit smart!

Paul names the blue team's nominees: Monterray and Tommy. No surprises there. When it comes time for the red team, Ramsay asks if they've come to a consensus. No, they haven't come to a consensus, they've just picked nominees. The red team nominates Krupa, and we get a commercial break before the second nominee. I don't know why they're bothering to wait before naming Gina...oh, wait, I was wrong, they nominated Elise! Dave tells the red team they're not as smart as he thought they were. Elise tells Ramsay, "If you give me a second chance, I promise I won't be up here a third time." Wait a second, if you're talking about a third time, aren't you already on your second chance? Dave comments, "I don't really think when I say things, I just say them. Oh, wait, that's Tommy." Monterray is asked whether he's the worst chef in his kitchen and Dave overrides him by saying yes. Ramsay pulls Gina from the safe group at the back and sends her home. Gina thanks him for the opportunity and Dave comments, "You said something other than 'yes, Chef.' Unfortunately, it was too late."

It's not the size...

2011-08-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Via joestracci on F*ck Yeah Guy Fieri:

--
Um, Guy... What a big... pepper mill you have!
Pepper mill...Is that they call it nowadays?

Girls Just Wanna Have (Chow) Fun....

2011-08-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

OK... These sort of posts will get a lot less snarky, but will hopefully chronicle either 1) foodventures blog panelists have taken together or 2) restaurants that have been featured on Food Network or Travel Channel.

...so away we go.

--

Close to the beginning of last month, Kechara, a few of our closest gal pals, and I set out on a quest: to find accessories for the outfit that I will be wearing for my upcoming wedding. Before we did that, we met up for dinner at Hollywood East Cafe in Wheaton, MD, a place I had not tried before.

I knew Hollywood East to serve dim sum on weekends, an experience in which many of us will soon take part. It was relatively quiet that Friday evening. Several large families were present, though, including some Chinese/Chinese-American ones (which I generally see as a good sign for a Chinese Restaurant).

As there are more than a few shots taken from dinner that night, I've placed them behind a jump...

There was plenty of jasmine tea to go around.

LeahGeek had some of the crab wontons. I like how they look a little like folded origami... only out of fried wonton wrapper. A sweet and sour sauce would accompany the appetizer.

The crab wontons a little bit closer... Hot and crispy on the outside, creamy on the inside.

I ordered the crab and shrimp balls; I was surprised how many there were! Admittedly I forgot to ask if they were steamed or fried.

They were piping hot... fresh out of the frier, and accompanied by the same sweet and sour sauce as the wontons. Here they are a little bit closer...

What's a meal at a Chinese restaurant without some rice?

Our entrees came, and the portions were generous...enough for all of us to share and then some! LeahGeek had the Crispy Beef Strips... a veritable combination of sweet and crispy with a hint of spice. If I recall correctly, I heard the dish described as 'meat candy.'

Moonshoes had the Kung Pao shrimp. It looked good, but I don't remember having tried it unfortunately.

SPFfy had the Lemongrass Chicken...savory with a hint of sweet (unless my memory fails me, which is possible).

Kechara had the Orange Beef, but with the spice greatly reduced...more meat candy!

My dish was the Beef Chow Fun with Chinese Broccoli. I did not expect mushrooms to be there, but I like mushrooms, so they were an added plus. I loved the savoriness of the dish as well as the crunch of the Chinese Broccoli.

Ultimately, there was much fun had and lots of food to take home. The fun continued after dinner; I found a good pair of shoes, a headband, and a clutch that night with everyone's help. Some of our merry band also found good accessories for the outfits they would be wearing at the wedding.

Note: Cross-posted to A. Random Hapa’s regular food blog: Librarian…Shot the Food.

Food Network Star 8/14/11

2011-08-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is: the Season 7 Finale of Food Network Star. So, to have some more fun with this, we're setting up a Liveblog of tonight's big event (courtesy of CoverItLive). So, come on over here starting at 9:00 pm EDT and feel free to add your comments as we snark live!

Food Network Star - Season 7 Finale

Food Network Star 8/7/11

2011-08-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

As we start watching, Dave has to be as careful as our friend Justin from when he was on Jeopardy because he already knows who's going home. As a result, we may get less commentary from him; I just hope what we do get from him has his usual level of humor and snark.

Ah, the Iron Chef challenge, where contestants have to become both an Iron Chef and Alton Brown. Although, as Dave points out, this isn't as hardcore as the real Iron Chef, so it's really more like Aluminum Chef or Zinc Chef. This time, they do have to do three dishes and judge their opponent's dishes, so maybe it's at least Galvanized Chef.

Because this is Iron Chef, they get sous chefs from the last 4 eliminated. Mary Beth notes that Penny is back like a horror movie villain, which just sets the stage for her drawing Penny to work with. The secret ingredient for Vic and Mary Beth is rack of lamb. Allez cuisine! Vic wants to make a carpaccio with arugala and balsamic and a lamb patty melt. Dave isn't sure how well he'll be able to pull the latter off and thinks he needs to make his third dish some sort of chop so he shows he can use all of the rack of lamb. Mary Beth is doing three different chops: grilled, roasted, and pan seared. Dave notes, "That's nice, but what are your other two dishes?" Vic's carpaccio becomes thin-sliced instead of pounded because it was falling apart when he pounded it. Suzie so far is doing a decent job of commentating on this change. Vic does resist the temptation to go Vegas on his lamb and stick with Mama's Boy. Jeff comments on Mary Beth planning an umami explosion. Alton thinks this is fraught, and Jeff comments that Umami Explosion was the name of his high school band...it was progressive.

Penny is costing Mary Beth time in making sure each chop is just right. Then again, we learned she was like that during the food truck challenge. Alton comments about Penny's leisurely pace often leaving to losing, and Penny's facial expression looks very "too bad for her." Jeff is given the challenge to take the show to commercial, and he rises to the occasion, asking who has the chops to win. Suzie shows that she still needs to improve on her food knowledge. Vic triple fries his french fries. They have crunch, that's for sure...a little too much crunch. As for the third course, after Bobby is pretty much horrified at using mint jelly, Vic asks, "Why was the mint jelly in the Iron Chef kitchen?" Dave points out, "It was a distractor, a trap that you, Vic, not only stepped right into, but when it snapped on your leg, you said, 'Oooh, this actually feels good!'" Mary Beth shows her plan is lamb in different seasons. She starts with winter and accompanies the lamb with Israeli couscous, commenting that she likes to grill outside in winter. Like most of MB's dishes, this one needs a little something more. Her fall dish, pan-seared lamb with pears, needs more finesse. Her late-winter/early-spring lamb is badly overcooked. Giada was really having to hack at the lamb, reminding Dave of the disastrous bacon steak from the same challenge last season. I know the Israelites sacrificed lambs by burning them on the altar, hon, but you don't need to do everything they did even if you do like their couscous!

Ooh, Jeff and Suzie have lobster as their secret ingredient. Just don't make Chris' cream cheese roll that claimed to have lobster in it. Suzie is making a ceviche and a lobster stew over a potato cake, as well as a lobster enchilada. She's concerned about having enough time for the ceviche and describes it as "short-form ceviche." What have we told you about short-cuts? Suzie works with the time constraint for her enchilada in an interesting way, using swiss chard to wrap it rather than more time-consuming wrappers. What I would love to see Jeff do is to make his POV come out without repetitiveness by making a lobster sandwich for each meal of the day. He could start with a lobster benedict, either calling it an open-faced sandwich or putting English muffin on top as well. Lunch could be the lobster roll he was already talking about, and dinner could be a fancier lobster sandwich, maybe open-faced on crostini? Ooh, he's making a BLAT: Bacon Lobster Avocado Tomato, using the avocado in place of mayo for the creaminess. Or wait, he's not, since there are no avocados. The judges are ragging on him for planning a main ingredient he doesn't have, but avocados have been present in the pantry most of the time. He's also making a lobster taco with a fennel-raddichio slaw. Vic has to explain harissa and can't, although he does at least make Bobby laugh by describing it as the Devil's toothpaste. MB is doing pretty well in her commentary, as we would expect from a food writer.

Jeff's lobster roll looks mundane, but it tastes great, especially with his addition of walnuts. Bob tells him that he is cementing his reputation as the Sandwich King, and Susie likes that he is continually expanding the idea of "sandwich" by adding things like tacos. The lobster was fried in the LBT, but the tempura batter was too thick. Jeff had to use store-bought mayo (looks like Hellman's) in all 3 dishes, and Giada told him to try adding lemon to mayo, saying it'll change his life. We'll have to try that. Suzie's short-form ceviche turns out to be the exception to the rule on short cuts, and she produces three outstanding dishes. Wow, there's actually nothing to snark on for her!

Evaluation time - cue ominous music here. I think either Vic or MB is going home. Overall, I think Vic has done a better job, but they're fairly even today. Which will the judges use, today's performance or overall performance? That's going to decide which one goes home. Susie wins her battle, but I'd put money on them both being safe this week. Vic wins his battle, which makes him safe. That's what really seals it, MB is going home. And I was right. MB shows a lot of class in her response. Suzie gives Vic a backhanded fist bump...never seen that before!

I'll be watching the finale live so I can hit Publish Post as soon as the credits roll. The preview shows that they send someone home after the first challenge to go from three to two rather than keeping three till the last minute like they did the year of Lisa, Adam, and Aaron.

MasterChef

2011-08-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

The one observation I have so far about MasterChef is that I am enjoying watching Ramsay describe and demonstrate filleting a salmon in the pressure test. Dave and I have both talked about getting a whole fish of some sort (or, more likely, several!) in order to try this out. We have a knife skills book that we've been learning a lot from, and we practice the skills when we get the chance with something new. Might be time to go ahead and do it. Maybe some nice, fresh Chesapeake Bay rockfish?

Hell's Kitchen 7/26/11

2011-08-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

14 Chefs Compete. The contestants face another intense challenge. Man, even the episode descriptions suck now! Viewer Discretion Advised: Language. Well, at least this time there's no violence. Dave wants to get the opening credits song on iTunes. He heard it once at the gym and thought immediately of HK.

I realized from the "scenes from last week" that I had the wrong blonde in the last write-up. It was Elizabeth, not Natalie. I can't even blame that one on the pain pills since I wrote that one before I took them.

Elise is annoyed that Carrie's still here. Dave says, "Face it, Elise, she's going to be here for a while. She's going to keep going just enough to avoid elimination." Some of the girls want to go to bed, but they're kept awake by Elise, Jennifer, and Krupa yelling at each other. One of the girls comments about too much drama. Dave comments, "Pot, kettle, black." There you go with those racist comments, Dave.

The contestants get to dress up like Farmer Joe and Jane for their challenge. Dave notices that they're not wearing waders, so they're not grabbing their own fish. Contestants have to catch chickens to get to choose ingredients for their chicken dishes. Dave wonders whether teams have to use all of the ingredients they get. If so, he pities the team that has to use grits and pickles. Natalie's farmgirl roots come out, and Will comments that Chino knows how to choke a chicken. The teams each get one chicken, and they have to pair up and take a chicken quarter per group. They have to make sure it comes out perfect, since they only have one serving to create their dish from. Each pair has to use a different cooking method (between frying, sauteeing, grilling, and roasting). Carrie's fried chicken is raw, and Elise tries to throw Carrie under the bus not just for this but for everything that has gone wrong for the red team. Carrie says she doesn't like girls...I'm sure there are plenty of guys who are happy to hear that, honey! Tommy needs to learn a better way to tie on a bandanna, since his makes his hair look like a ski hat. Monterray shows he has class by owning up to the fact that he was the reason that one plate had no chicken on it. The challenge comes down to the last dish, and Dave comments that this is only because Ramsay chickened out by giving both sauteed dishes a point. Yes, folks, he meant to say that. Now you know what I live with and why we have someone in our life that routinely takes away his talking privileges!

The red team wins and get a go-karting trip. The blue team's punishment is to make a ton of chicken stock. Dave comments that this is the best punishment so far since it at least relates to what the contestants want to do with their lives...much better than ironing or assembling playground equipment. Elise claims that she's going to kick butt despite having never go-karted before. "One thing you don't lack for is confidence," Dave points out. We learn that Elizabeth doesn't actually have a driver's license since she lives in Manhattan. Jennifer feels like she's racing while "driving like Miss Daisy." Dave has the pop culture knowledge to point out that Miss Daisy never drove. Elise plans to run Carrie off the "road" so that Carrie can't beat her. Love your teamwork, Elise. While the stock is working, the blue team role-plays dinner service. As a therapist, I have to like that idea! Natalie describes herself as "doing my fish thang." However, as Will notes, Chino sucks when he's not even cooking.

During prep, Elise finds someone else to piss off as she gives Andi backtalk and then walks away after Andi calls her out on it. Andi's eyes look like they're bulging with anger. "We've learned in previous seasons, don't piss off Andi," Dave notes. C'mon, Andi, give her the business!

Ooh, champion athletes in the chef's tables for each kitchen. Elise feels good that Carrie's not on meats to screw things up, but Elise ends up being the first screw-up with scallops. To her credit, though, for once she forgets that she knows everything and applies the advice that Ramsay gives. Natalie gets the blue team off to a good start on apps, but then Monterray shows that he's dumber than Elise tonight by talking back to Scott instead of listening to his advice. Dave and I learn that the way to keep fish from falling apart after removing it from the pan is to leave it on the fish spatula instead of taking it off the spatula right away. We also note that we need to acquire a fish spatula. The Bed Bath & Beyond CEO must love us...when we did our wedding registry, we spent about 3 hours in the kitchen section. Monterray says in his private camera spot that he didn't sign on to be cussed at by Scott. Um, dear, you knew what you were getting into, or you sure as hell should have! Monterray tries to get help from Jonathan, and half of the blue team starts yelling and cussing at each other in front of their Olympians. Gina cuts her steak too early and when yelled at says she wishes she was in a bubble bath with champagne. Dave replies, "If you wish you were in a bubble bath instead of wishing you had done it right the first time, you won't be around for long." She later sends up lamb that's still baa-ing. Over in the blue kitchen, forget Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader, Chino needs to go back to first grade. Not only can he not write, he can't tell time, repeatedly saying "just a minute" when he needs 3-5 minutes. The blue kitchen gets shut down and the red kitchen follows while trying to food both chef's tables. Why is there still bread in the baskets on the chef's tables?? They do at least get to eat, unlike the regular diners, as Ramsay has Scott and Andi make their entrees.

There are no winners here, only losers. Each team gets to choose 2 for elimination. Dave makes his picks: "Chino, since he's been useless since Week 0. For the other, it's hard because the worst is SO far below the rest. Monterray, I guess, because I like his attitude but his performance was bad. On the red team, Gina, since you brought up food that was clearly raw. For the other, they'll think of some reason to throw Carrie up there, but she'll still be around for a while. Elise will too." For my pics, I'm with you on Chino and Monterray and Gina. I would kill for them to send up Elise, but I doubt they will. I can see them trumping up a reason for Carrie, but I can also see them trumping up an excuse for Krupa. She didn't get a chance to screw anything up tonight, but she seems to also be high on the hit list."

Natalie's right about Chino: "You don't come to Hell's Kitchen to learn to cook, you should already know how to cook." Dave thinks the top 3 chefs on the blue team are, in whatever order, Natalie, Will, and Jonathan. Natalie tears up about Chino accusing her of sabotaging him. As the red team dithers, Jamie takes charge to make a tally of who screwed up today. As usual, Elise and Carrie are shouting at each other. I'm going to have to start thinking of new ways to say that. Elise yells, "Shut up, I'm talking," and Dave comments that if you need to say that because no one is listening to you, that usually means you don't have anything real to say.

Hot damn, the red team nominates Elise in addition to Carrie! Other than that, Dave and I both got the picks right. I hope Ramsay calls Gina up too. Monterray defends himself by saying he didn't give up. From Dave, "You did the stupider thing by fighting back. You got dumb!" Chino says he wants to be able to show the guys what he can do. Dave: "You have shown the guys what you can do, that's the problem." Well, he hasn't converted much of the team into drooling mouth-breathers, if that's what he means. Elise looks arrogant when some of the red team members say they would rather send her home than Carrie and completely shocked when Natalie agrees. Elise, honey, if you go outside in Seattle with your nose that far in the air, you'll drown inside of a day. Ramsay deliberates, and Dave asks him to do us all a favor and get Chino off our tvs. (He seems to like that phrase) According to Dave, Chino makes it look like Dave should be on HK instead of him. "And I sure as hell don't belong on there. Yet." The sad thing is that it took 3 weeks to get rid of Chino because there were 2 people worse than him.

In the previews for next week, we see that Gina takes the nice-girl gloves off and faces down Elise. That'll be fun to see. From Dave, "Jamie, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Natalie, Jonathan, and Will. There's your final 6. But they'll bring Elise and Carrie for the final episode because they create too much drama to leave then out." OK, Dave, we've noted that down for posterity. To quote a Mercedes Lackey book, "Let's see if [you are] brilliant or deluded!"

Food Network Star 7/31/11

2011-08-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

Busy busy Jessie working hard to catch up on shows. Well, I can't do much that's active while I'm still recovering from my accident, so you few readers get to benefit. I just took a pain pill, though, so we'll see how long I'm awake to entertain y'all.

The camera challenge this week is right up my alley: The Best Thing I Ever Ate - Chelsea Market. I want to visit Chelsea Market the next time I'm in NYC, and the first thing I did to play along with Food Network was choosing the best thing I ever ate to fit each episode's theme. (Dave: Yeah, no kidding--we've been known to play along with that show at home, though our lack of time spent in New York City seems to be a bit of a handicap.) Mary Beth thinks she's got an edge in describing her choice thanks to being a food writer...we'll see. (Dave: Um, talking about a crepe being as thin as ladies' lingerie is NOT exactly appetizing to much of your audience!) I do like her description of needing to say how the food tastes since people can't lick the tv. Jeff is the first to fully describe his dish, and, in a typical Jeff move, steals another bite of his Reuben on the way off stage. Whitney films right after Mary Beth, which wouldn't be an issues except for the fact that they were both talking about crepes from the same stall. Jeff is on a roll, winning the Rachael Ray star challenge and then the Best Thing camera challenge.

(Dave: Forget whatever it was that Mary Beth said, her appearance on camera on the "set" of the show was absolutely dead on. Her emotion, her physical movements, everything was just perfect for Best Thing. Granted, I agree that Jeff should be the winner based on the content of what he said, but Mary Beth's performance shouldn't be underestimated.)

Star Challenge: Roasts. I hope Bobby gets roasted...I'd love to see that! That's a new one on us. Each contestant gets a different protein. They get 4 hours for prep and cooking...potentially tight, depending on the cut, but a reasonable amount of time. Vic gets the Vegas staple of prime rib. Mary Beth gets duck, which she's never worked with before. At the store, Mary Beth gets a lesson in roasting duck from the butcher, leading the other contestants to wonder if Mary Beth's dish will really belong to her or the butcher.

Unfortunately, it's the contestants being roasted instead of Bobby. (Dave: Wait, I thought they promised A-list comedians--what the hell is Louie Anderson doing there? He sounds like he eternally has his nostrils pinched shut!) We'll have to see how well the contestants keep their cool during presentation. (Dave: Well, Vic seemed to get his name confused with his point of view. A little painful to see after really developing "Mama's Boy.") Jeff has his head in the right place, remembering that while he used to be a comedian, today he's a chef. The only question is what the exact joke about his Mojo Monk Headband will be. Oh, wow, Mary Beth actually managed to do the duck well. Too bad she comes across as pedantic instead of warm and open in her presentation. (Dave: It's pretty clear we have no clue what her show concept is from her presentation. That's a BIG problem.) Jeff's presentation is good, and we find out that, unlike Dave, Jeff is an Ass Man with his rump roast. He gets asked what his opening joke was, and Gilbert Gottfried responds that he'd give Jeff a cooking show if only to keep him from ever doing stand-up again! Ooh, we see Suzie's background during presentation for the first time. (Dave: It's hard for me not to see her as the big winner here, no offense to Jeff. She was really from the heart, she had fun with the comedians, and her food, to me, looked the most appealing--just beautiful on the plate!) Whitney tears up during presentation. Hmmm, maybe we don't want her to open up after all. One Alicia was enough thankyouverymuch.

Evaluation time. For the first time, the judges deem everyone's food to meet the expectations they have for a FN star. Vic is told that he needs to be more Mama's Boy and less Vic Vegas (Dave: ...which is kind of hard to do less of when it's, um, TATTOOED ON YOUR ARM!). Susie tells Jeff that he was actually kinda sexy! Jeff sweeps the episode by winning the star challenge, and he, Vic, and Suzie are safe. (Dave: I'm kinda surprised by this--a different week and Vic wouldn't have been safe, and I don't know what more Suzie really could have done.) Suzie feels good about having bounced back. Whitney and Mary Beth face the firing squad. I'd send home Whitney, but I'd probably end up sending home Mary Beth next weekend. (Dave: I can believe that, though Mary Beth would certainly have a better chance to get into the final three, I think, with an Iron Chef challenge, particularly on commentary. A couple weeks ago, it looked like a lock for either Suzie or Vic, but Jeff has really turned things up a notch.) They can't lose whichever they choose, neither one of them is a star. (Dave: Comparatively speaking, I'd agree. It's like the distinction between the Hall of Fame and the Hall of Really Good or Hall of Damn Nice.) Whitney goes home, and the Final Four is set. Whitney manages to hold back the tears until the hugging upstairs.

Next week is the Iron Chef battle with returning contestants. Can you guess who gets stuck with Penny?

Food Network Star 7/24/11

2011-08-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight the contestants will be on the Rachael Ray Show, which Dave notes is always a highlight of the season. Are you sure that's not just because you enjoy looking at Rachael, dear? No comment from Dave. The contestants will be doing demos during both the camera challenge and the star challenge this time.

The camera challenge is to make a cupcake as an expression of themselves. Not sure how well Whitney's dish will go over, since she does an adaptation of one of Ina's recipes when she is a judge. At least it's not taken word for work like one contestant did with a Paula Deen recipe in another season. Whitney comes out of her shell a little more in this presentation, but will it be enough? Suzie goes to her roots with a corn cupcake with duck confit slaw. Jeff takes the sandwich concept too far by putting 5 meats in his cupcake. At that point, dear, it just tastes like "meat." Bobby looks dubious, and Bob has to chew it a LOT. At least he used some sort of recipe, unlike Chris. Jeff is not the only one putting pancetta in his cupcakes, as Vic turns an Italian tartuffe into a cupcake. Jyll chooses to use only orange and chocolate, saying she likes to use simple, bold flavors. I hope you make them good and bold, hon, because it they're not, they'll fade away and so will you. Jyll is still too rehearsed during presentation. Mary Beth has what I (and the judges) think is the best idea, roasted strawberry cupcakes. Definitely looking forward to experimenting along those lines myself.

The Rachael Ray star challenge is more difficult than in previous years, starting with a 30-second intro and then requiring the contestants to field questions from the audience while they are doing their demos. This does not end well, as 2 of the contestants completely forget about fielding questions. The contestants have to reinvent classic dishes. Jeff breaks out the Monk Mojo Headband...too bad he didn't use that while he was making his cupcakes. Vic shows his Italian roots by calling the marinara sauce "gravy" as he makes his lasagna. Mary Beth changes shepherd's pie to have the mashed potatoes on the bottom and a layer of carrot puree on top. It looks amazing, and Dave and I both agree that we need to try that the next time we make shepherd's pie. At the same time, Jyll reinvents meatloaf by putting mashed potatoes on top...thus making it into a beef shepherd's pie. Oops.

When they get onstage, Whitney is nervous and forgets her story but gets a lucky break when a contestant's question gives her an opening. Mary Beth's intro is good except for the fact that she uses the Same. Gesture. Every. Two. Seconds. Vic shows he's a class act by giving tips to the people who present after him. Whitney gets stage-struck. Dave comments that the more cameras are around, the easier it is to get intimidated. He would know, after having hosted High School Bowl for a couple of years. Suzie commits the mortal sin of turning her back to the camera. Jyll gets pressed about how her POV is different from what's already there on FN, and she crashes and burns, possibly sealing her fate for the night. Jeff seems perfectly natural on stage for once, and he does the best job of anyone of playing off of Rachael. Plus, that pork chop looks amazing as he pulls the bone right off.

In the end, Jyll did seal her fate and gets to go home. Her heart just didn't seem to be in it, especially not tonight. In some ways, it almost seemed like she was the second coming of Amy Findley. Next week, we get Gilbert Gottfried. Is this his first appearance since he stopped being the AFLAC duck? We see the beginnings of a battle for who can take the heat. When I was in high school, the manliness test was who could eat a Taco Bell taco with more Fire sauce packets on it. Dave comments that the Fire sauce isn't actually hot, but it is for a bunch of high schoolers who have never seen a habanero!

Hell's Kitchen 7/25/11

2011-08-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

So as the show is beginning, Dave and I contemplate how much the winners of Food Network Star make. Bet it's not $250,000 a year off the bat! Since Dave has been watching MasterChef, he noticed that Ramsay has been recycling challenges between the two shows. So far, we have the most respect for Will, but we'll see what the next episodes bring.

At the end of the last episode, Ramsay called for a volunteer from the red team to join the blue team. None of the girls wanted to leave, and the blue team thought they were doing fine as they were (despite getting shut down for both dinner services). The girls discuss drama, and Elisa doesn't understand why people see her as causing drama. It's not that you cause major drama, Elise, it's that this season doesn't have someone like a Penny or Raj, so your drama looks bigger. One of the the blonde girls (Elizabeth, the less-ditzy one) goes to the blue team. She thinks she's gonna come out of this smelling like roses, and Dave comments that if she doesn't, she'll end up as rose fertilizer. We do after all have 2 in the role of "cute ditzy blonde to be eliminated early." Will makes a comment about having liked the team feeling that had been there before. It's hard to tell from his comment if he needs to broaden his meaning of "team" or if he's better at hiding the misogynistic tendencies than some of the "men" that have been on this show. I think it's the former, judging by what I've seen so far. I hope so.

Yet another early wake-up call, this time from clowns. It's a good thing this is a reality show and not a fraternity, because they're breaking a million hazing laws here! This morning's challenge is to feed a bunch of hungry kids and then their mothers. I am a little disturbed at the official Hell's Kitchen high chairs. They're using naan as the outside of both quesadillas and paninis...I never would have thought of using naan for either one, but I want to try it now. Elise actually makes a good point for once, telling Carrie not to keep moving back and forth in her way. The blue team (I can't say the guys' team anymore!) wins by a matter of seconds and the red team gets to clean up and assemble the playground for the kids-allowed dinner service. I swear, the only reason Ramsay does kids' nights at HK is because, unlike in his real restaurants, he has a losing team to do the cleanup afterwards. While the red team is working and bickering, the blue team is grilling Elizabeth about what the red team has been doing to be so successful, and Elizabeth shows her loyalty to her new team by leaking the state secrets. Their reward is to go to Medieval Times, and they get to actually practice swordfighting. As the red team assembles the playground equipment, they get a literal team-building exercise. Too bad they don't build their team as well as they do the equipment. Instead, they follow my rule that, from age 4 to 104, a group of all or mostly girls will be catty. The boys are acting like 5-year-olds as they come back from Medieval Times, but in a cute and endearing way, playing with their souvenirs.

For tonight's dinner service, in addition to having kids around, the contestants have the added complications of serving a welcoming margherita pizza and having one person from each team taking orders in the dining room. You know, Ramsay, you could have stopped at a welcoming margarita and the parents would be happy. Let's see if Gina and Chino can write in English more effectively than Salvador could. Gina is able to step over that bar, but yet again Chino is Epic Fail. Krupa has a strategy to avoid drama: silence. Unfortunately, Krupa, among girls, silence creates drama too. The blue team overcooks chicken tenders to the point where Ramsay says they look like a baby's flip flop. Better that than the appetizer in Love Actually that looks like a dead baby's finger. Scott's not pulling any punches with the blue team; he's got a mouth on him! Elise starts trying to take Chef's role of expediting, and we have the first Ramsay-contestant showdown this season. Amanda's all mixed up, to the point of forgetting entrees...that's dangerous. Natalie's slow on the fish station, but at least she's not rushing and sending things up raw. The diners are antsy, and Dave tells the waiters to slip them all some more wine. Thank you, Britney Spears, remind me not to put you in charge of getting the kids to sleep. I just hope the moms have Cheerios in their purses. One of the kids says, "Shut it down," and Dave and I crack up. The red team is told to shut it down for the first time, thus making Chino safe for a week. Aw, darn. I guess that makes him the winner for this week of Hell's Dining Room.

As expected, the red team starts bickering, and Elise yells at one of them asking if she takes meds for a mental illness. Dave can identify 3-4 of the women to put up there. Elise goes up in my book, for contributing to the stigma surrounding mental illness if nothing else. But I'm going to get off my soapbox now. In the end, Chef Ramsay makes his own nominations and sends Amanda home. We had difficulty calling it, since there were several worthy contenders for the plane ticket, but Dave picked Amanda based on how much Ramsay wants contestants to fight to stay.

Onward, onward, onward we go.

Hell's Kitchen 7/19/11

2011-08-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

"16 Chefs Compete." What kind of episode title is that? HK does this for their episode titles every season these days, and it always annoys me. Yes, this title tells us something useful, since it's only the second episode and we started with 18 chefs, but still, at least use a funny like from the episode like they do on Amazing Race! The show is rated for profanity. Gee, really? I never would have guessed that. In the opening credits, I love the look on Ramsay's face as he's playing the pinball machine. At least the opening credits are good every season.

Last week on Hell's Kitchen, anorexic wanna-be actors and actresses got to stay anorexic since they had almost no food served to them. It seems weird to me that they use actors and actresses as the dinner guests...I wish it were open to the public. At least I'd love to see my step-brother, Sean, get to go. Even if he focuses more on script-writing these days, he is an actor in LA.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. Chino of the dumb-look-that-makes-you-expect-to-see-drool survived elimination this time, but we'll see what happens for the future. No matter what, I definitely do not see him winning. After the elimination, Chris is sharing his view of how dinner service went and talking about facing reality. Chris, I hate to tell you, but despite it being "reality tv," Hell's Kitchen and reality don't usually seem to go together. Usually it's the girls' team that starts bickering first, but this season it's the boys. Gordon starts with the rude wake-up calls a little early this season, so we get to see who sleeps in just their boxers. "Oh, God, where are my pants?!?" Not usually something you hear on a food show! I'm also wondering what one of the blondes is carrying in her teeth. Jonathan gets a nice wake-up out of it, as he notices the girls in some skimpy pjs.

The team challenge is going back to basics to grill 4 cuts of meat according to the doneness he requests. Natalie says she likes some good meat. Brings my (gutter-based) mind back to Food Network Star and Mary Beth saying she likes a bone. Hopefully no one screws up and forgets which is the rib-eye and which is the strip (the other 2 cuts are filet and a burger). Elise and Carrie are paired together and spend the whole time having a cat fight while they try to cook. Brandon is confident, but as Bobby Flay likes to say, "There are two kinds of men, those who can grill and those who think they can grill." The narrator talks about the contestants frantically trying to work their meat. Man, this is way too much fun for a brain like mine! Krupa and Amanda get a perfect score, and Krupa says she would kiss Amanda on the lips if they had been given time to brush their teeth. Elise blames their bad cuts on Carrie, which is funny since she spent most of the time pushing Carrie out of the way and keeping her from cooking. Chino finds a bit of salvation; maybe he just needs to be kept away from the fish? The boys end up winning by one piece of meat. As the guys' last few pieces were being tested, Jennifer is begging for them to screw it up...nice sportsmanship there, honeypie. One of the guys describes the blue team as hugging like girls when they won, but those were full-on Man Hugs. Paul thinks he's a big deal...can't wait for him to get slapped down a peg or two!

The women get to clean the grills and bitch about it as the first part of their punishment. Elise, weren't you the one last night complaining about having to do the punishment when you hadn't made the team lose? There's your karma, bitch! Elise complains about others being rude and says she gets along with everyone. Um, no, Elise, you get along with people about as well as Penny. Dave comments, "Elise, we've seen your type before on Hell's Kitchen, and they never win." The narrator talks about the men's team being united. For now. We'll see how long that lasts. The guys get a nice lunch with Ramsay while the girls get the meat from earlier after a trip through the blender. Dave, this is what your Thanksgiving was almost like one year! "Yeah, that's why I decided not to have my wisdom teeth out just before Thanksgiving. One of the girls makes a bitchy comment (surprise, surprise) about one of the blondes being used to having meat in her mouth. You know, it's ok when I say that, I'm just putting it online for almost no one to read. It's completely different when you say that on camera!

We cut to the guys at their dinner, and Paul talks about not being distracted by a significant other. Dude, just because no one wants to have sex with you, you don't have to see yourself as above other people that may have more distractions. Will talks about living up to the family name...trust the Jersey boy to be worried about the status of the family name. Brendan talks ad nauseum about his favorite subject, himself.

The girls get to carry and disassemble a whole cow. Reminds me of a restaurant in Charleston where the chef buys pigs whole and uses all of the parts. Talk about getting up close and personal with their ingredients! The girls start gelling as a team as they have fun with this part of the punishment. They study and quiz each other on the ingredients and dishes while doing the prep for them. That's something I've never seen on the show before, but I love it. The question is, will they now be able to remember all of the dishes on the menu unlike Matt from a couple seasons back. After the guys get back, most of the girls are still studying, but Carrie has enough wine to stumble as she invites one of the guys to her bed. Good thing none of the others have gone to bed yet! You two can just go home now if you want...this isn't going to end like Holly and Blue Jay. On the other hand, either of you might get sent home after tomorrow's dinner service, might as well do what you can while you can.

Before dinner service, the girls each check their station to make sure they have everything they need. Elise takes a leadership role on this, and so far it hasn't backfired. Ah, tableside service, first of Caesar salads and then of prime rib. Ramsay's increasing the degree of difficulty earlier in the season this time. Gina's silent at her station when asked for a time until she's ready. Gina, speak, Ooboo! Brendan describes someone as acting like a chipmunk on meth, and Dave wonders how much meth Brendan has taken to come up with that description as well as what color his chipmunks are. Maybe he's seen chipmunks near a college campus? Chip and Dale?

This year's risotto just does not look appealing, even when done right. It just looks bland and mealy. Chino keeps making the same mistakes on his risotto. At least he's consistent. Consistently bad, but consistent nonetheless. Carrie tears up, and Dave wonders who switched her with Alicia from FNS. There's been a mistake in casting, folks! One contestant is described as being on another like white on rice, and we wonder if Carrie wants to be on her man like white on rice. Chino finally nails a risotto after how many times? And then comes the fish debacle. Brendan brings up the same piece of fish a second time and claims to have thrown the first one away when Ramsay calls him on it. Ramsay tells him to find the first piece if he has to root through the trash to do it, and we have our preview shot from last week. Seriously, lying to Chef Ramsay?!? How dumb can you be? Besides, Brendan, if it was sent back once, what makes you think it wouldn't be sent about again? It was sent back for being burnt, not raw. Brendan, if you can't replace the fish with a refire, you're fired.

Elise is all over the kitchen to the point where we can't even tell what station she's supposed to be working. Ramsay dresses her down and says in the process that he's not God. Really, Ramsay? You usually seem to do your best to dispel the notion of you not being God. Things start moving more smoothly until the blue team can't cook duck and calls it a different bird. Seriously, learn your damned poultry! That's as bad as a couple seasons ago when Fran couldn't tell the difference between crab and lobster. The diners are wanting more wine for their wait and another breadbasket to absorb the wine so that at least one person per table can drive home. If they're lucky, James will slip the number of a local pizza joint into the breadbaskets. I would pay to see the opening service at one point have a Dominoes guy pull up. Krupa drops the whole prime rib on the floor and needs some from the guys. Nice job there, Grace. Course, the way the guys are going, Krupa, you can have all of the blue team's prime rib because they won't end up serving anyone.

The guys are shut down and Dave is glad Steven's not around to offer to wash pans. "After all, it's Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher." The guys are mad, but the ultimate question is, will anyone go as crazy as Raj last season? We're seeing Chino and Brendan going up for elimination. Monterray didn't even have a chance to screw up, so he's safe. The guys are especially pissed that they lost to girls, which is one thing I hate about the guy/girl team division. The girls are sent to take over the blue kitchen and are appalled at the mess. Hooray, no more anorexics, everyone got to eat! We're not sure if that's ever happened in Week 2 before.

Chino doesn't agree with being sent up for elimination with Brendan because he didn't say anything wrong. That's the problem, Chino, you didn't say anything at all. You went from your mouth hanging open to closing it completely. However, arguing with your team about being chosen isn't necessarily the right time to start opening your mouth. Ramsay asks Chino and Brendan what he hasn't seen in them that is a reason he should keep them. Brendan lists a couple qualities, including character. Seriously?? You lie to Chef Ramsay and say that one of your qualities is character?? Well, character is one of the things that he has not seen in you so far! Dave decides he has to listen to this part again and comment. The first quality Brendan mentions is heart. "Well, yes, Brendan, you do have a heart, you're not dead on the floor." Character. "A very bad character where you're calling people names and lying to Ramsay." Those things can't be taught. "And you cannot learn." I want to apologize to you, Chef, about the fish; I was mistaken. "Come on, that's not a mistake!" Chino gets to speak and for the second week in a row basically says he's in over his head. Dave says he should have gotten sent home last week instead of Steven, and I reply, "Yeah, but there could only be one porn star on this season and it had to be Carrie." We're rooting for a double elimination, and Dave says that they can't lose, whoever he eliminates. Well, you can't lose unless you're the blue team that has to take one of them back. Dave notices as we go to commercial that there is enough time left in the episode that Ramsay could conceivably eliminate both of them. Unfortunately, he does not, only Brendan goes home. Lucky for Ramsay, he no longer has to listen to Brendan babble. On his way out, Brendan says, "Don't hate the player, hate the game," and Dave wonders what that really means. To me, it means, "Don't hate on the man-slut." With his parting words, Brendan asks Carrie to call him. I thought usually it was the girl hoping the guy would call in the morning.

Dave: "Next season on Kitchen Nightmares, visit Brendan's restaurant in New York, the site of a major rat infestation. No, I'm not talking about just the owner/head chef." Now that the blue team is down 3, Ramsay asks for a volunteer from the red team to switch sides. Ooh, ooh, I'd pay for it to be Elise! The blue team tries to countermand Ramsay, saying they don't need the help. Yeah, backtalk the big boss, that's a good plan. Monterray gives his opinion about the switch, starting, "With all due respect..." Usually when someone says "with all due respect," they're not actually showing any respect.

In the preview for next week, the narrator talks about the group facing their worst fears as they get woken up by clowns. You know, I've never understood that whole being afraid of clowns thing. Then comes children's day at Hell's Kitchen. If I were a mom, I think I'd be scared to bring my child around Ramsay in this kind of setting. I'm going to have enough of a hard time curbing my own tongue so my kids don't hear me curse, let alone Ramsay!

Food Network Star 7/17/11

2011-08-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

We're trying out some new technology over here at SnarkFood, seeing if we can save some trees by recording our reactions instead of writing them down.

The episode is just beginning and already Penny is making people uncomfortable. Let me take a moment and be shocked. OK, moment over. I realized that Will, the person on Hell's Kitchen that I thought I recognized from another show, was just reminding me of Jeff from FNS. Whitney's losing confidence again, and she's on the phone with her boyfriend. He's telling her to just be herself and let the great person that she is shine through, and I decide that I officially love him. He earns major Boyfriend Points for that move. Dave remembers that Whitney had been getting advice from her mom a couple of episodes before.

Today marks Midterms for our lovely (and not-so-lovely) contestants, with a double elimination coming at the end. Camera Challenge is for each contestant to make their signature dish and demo it on camera. There's a twist this time, though: each contestant is given a specific thing to work on during their demo. Suzie is told that she needs to focus. Jyll is told to surprise them and decides to surprise herself in the process. Mary Beth needs to own her food and talk about it like it belongs to someone else. Vic is told to be more of an expert. His show is currently called "Mama's Boy" and has a shit-tastic bib-based logo. Chris is making gnocchi...not sure that's gonna end well. Penny sets something besides men's hearts on fire at the end of prep. Dave points out that she has the ability to be relatable like she was in the Fourth of July episode, but she doesn't really use that ability. During prep, Jeff appears to be having too much fun with the Slap Chop. Uh oh, he's sauteeing peas...I hope he learned from Carissa not to pea on the floor. "Or make any ball jokes," Dave adds.

During demo, Jyll goes from not having a plan to having one that falls somewhat flat. Whitney shines as she talks about her yellow gazpacho. I comment, "Whitney was in a sorority? We're not surprised!" She's always been perky. Here comes Chris with gluey gnocchi, trying to tell the viewers how to do everything in one minute. Although he tried to do too much and wasn't able to focus, he did manage to end his spiel perfectly on the one-minute mark. Jeff tries to be warmer by lowering his voice and succeeds only in putting us to sleep. Mary Beth can't tell us what's uniquely hers about her spaghetti and meatballs. Suzie demonstrates making tortillas but needs some more focus. Dave comments that she's teaching us to eat a raw tortilla, but she did actually put it in the pan for a bit. Penny isn't descriptive enough in her demo, telling the viewer to "put this in here." What's this and where's here? Once again, Penny's food is great and her personality sucks. The selection committee tells her that's not gonna fly at Food Network, but the question is, how desperate are they for a Middle Eastern chef? Vic is so busy telling us about the ingredients of his food that he doesn't get any actual cooking done. Suddenly it hits Dave, "Speaking of sending people home, where's Susie been?" Maybe they want to avoid confusion between contestant-Suzie and judge-Susie?

Dave is surprised at Whitney being named the clear winner. I comment that the judges loved her food, and Dave replies, "Well, maybe I need to rewind and lick the tv then!" I don't think he'd enjoy that very much...too much dust to go with the little zap. Dave, can you describe how a little zap tastes? Whitney wasn't necessarily the best on camera, but she did the best job at doing exactly what the judges told her to focus on. As we cut to commercial, we see a clip where Mary Beth actually has her arm around Penny. I guess forcing them together worked!

As we come back from commercial, there's a knock at the door of the house, and Jeff comments that, "No one ever knocks on our door except the pizza guy." I guess after all that cooking on camera they don't want to cook at home, but I could see off-camera cooking being an effective intimidation technique if done well. The contestants are told they are making one course each for the judges (including Susie this time) and Wolfgang Puck. They are limited to the ingredients that are in the house at the time, leading Dave to call it the Five Ingredient Fix Challenge. Whitney assigns the courses, and Chris hopes he doesn't get dessert...which of course he does. Let's hope he can do better than the cakes for the dessert channel. Penny and Mary Beth go shopping with Whitney and find it to be a Universal Female Bonding Experience.

Suzie improvises on her cheese course based on her knowledge that a kind of Latin American cheese can actually be approximated with feta. Chris decides to bake cake without any recipe but the one for disaster. Even when I've created my own recipe for a baked good, I've at least started with a couple of recipes and combined them together, and even then it didn't come out quite right the first time. This isn't the time to try and slide by on "not quite right!" Whitney lets people do what they want rather than taking control as the team leader...that didn't end well for Jyll and I doubt it'll end well for Whitney either.

Since Mary Beth is going shopping, Chris can get at least some of his baking done before Mary Beth needs the oven if he moves his butt. Chris accuses other contestants of sabotage for changing the oven temperature. Chris, the Paranoia Help Line is free, Penny's off of it! Besides, if you're working without a recipe, you have no right to bitch about what temperature the oven is. Jyll is having issues with her risotto and refuses Whitney's advice, which is interesting given her later wail of, "Why didn't anyone stop me?"
Mary Beth thinks her dish will be great because she writes about food so well. You know, I'm a food blogger now, too, but that doesn't mean I can cook well enough to be the next Food Network star. With five minutes left, Jeff puts on his headband. Uh oh, that means everything he did up till now will be ruined because he didn't have his Mojo Monk Headband on! Dave comments, "Hey, if that's all he needs to get his confidence up, more power to him." That's true, but still, if you give us something to snark on, we're going to snark on it. At the end of their cooking time, the contestants cheer and open a bottle of champagne. Jyll, I'm not sure you should be the one opening that champagne, thinking about that risotto, hon. Dave points out, "It did look better than some of those risottos I saw last night on Hell's Kitchen, though." True, but that's not saying much.

Jeff comes back with a perfect presentation of his beef carpaccio. Vic presents well, although he has a stance like a drill sergeant. Mary Beth owns her dish and talks it up, but her food doesn't live up to the star billing. Even Bobby says it has a little too much cayenne pepper. Penny is surprisingly warm and teaches us a bit of Farsi in her presentation, which I enjoy because the last time I learned any Farsi it was in Not Without my Daughter in middle school. Jyll gets a crash course in making risotto from Wolfgang Puck. A sweet corn risotto does sound good, but it needs to actually be made right. I do like Puck taking the time to show her how to do it, even if she is embarrassed, rather than just telling her, "This sucks and you're screwed." Puck tells Jyll to always use a small pan, which is interesting given how much success I had making risotto in a wok. Jyll holds it together and keeps herself from bursting into tears like Alicia, and Susie says it still seems fake to her. Jyll, don't give up after one bomb...at least you didn't break/cut your finger on camera like Mario Batali. Whitney continues her improvement in what will hopefully be enough to keep her safe. Suzie wows the crowd with her feta-filled chile relleno. Chris says twice during his presentation that he's not very familiar with dessert, and Bobby puts his finger to his head like a gun. I'm sure that Chris is going home, and Dave adds, "Chris, why don't you just throw yourself in the pool while you're at it?" Hey, if it's as hot there as it has been here...

At least when Julia Child apologized on camera, it was with the idea of brushing the food off and going on. "No excuses!" Unlike Chris, Suzie did not apologize for her food even when she didn't have the right ingredients, even when she was being interrogated by the judges after the dessert battle about her churro pancakes. Dave agrees that Chris is going home but adds, "Jyll, Jyll, I like you a lot, girl, but you're in trouble." Good thing for Jyll that, since it's midterms, they're looking at everything so far and not just performance in this episode. They keep showing Jyll with her face in her hands, but we think that's in surprise at not getting sent home. Honey, just keep it together in the evaluation room and don't be like Alicia. They also keep showing the judges saying, "You're going home," and then cutting to a shot of Vic, which almost guarantees that they're not cutting him.

Whitney is told in evaluation that she still needs to reach out more. She's made progress and won't go home this weekend, but she won't win either. Suzie is asked to share more about herself and cries as she tells the group about her upbringing and how hard she had to work to get to and through culinary school. At this point, I think Suzie's the frontrunner. We get reminded about Jeff's All-Bran joke...I really didn't need to be reminded of it. He gets asked about why he didn't make a sandwich and replied that he wanted to please Wolfgang Puck instead of doing a sandwich. What I would have loved to see would have been the carpaccio wrapped around something and called an Inside-Out Sandwich. Penny is told to open up and let more of herself out, and Dave wonders whether there is anything else in there to let out. Aside from drama? I'm not sure. Giada just looks annoyed at Chris, and Bobby smacks him down like a red-headed stepchild for the lobster wrap. As he continues, Bobby even sounds like the parent of a recalcitrant teenager! As they get ready to eliminate people, Dave and I both think Chris and Mary Beth are heading out the door. Jyll, Chris, Mary Beth, and Penny are the ones up for elimination. Dave comments that at least Chris has gotten better from "Get the %^&* off my tv." Still, I do hope he gets the *(%& off my tv for good tonight. Bobby comments in the private deliberations about Chris coming off as confident. To me, Chris doesn't come across as confident so much as brash. Chris is sent home and then we get to see whether Penny and Mary Beth get to say BFFs or not. We think that next they'll tell Penny she's safe, but instead they tell Mary Beth she's safe. Dave notices that Bobby looks like he doesn't agree with that decision. "That's just the most miserable expression I've ever seen on his face, even when he was getting his ass whipped by Morimoto in Iron Chef Japan. He doesn't want to see Penny go. He loves her food and doesn't want to let her go." Yep, Penny goes home. She says, "I'm glad I got an opportunity to bring my culture and my food to the Food Network." Penny, you showed that the Food Network needs your culture and your food. They just need someone who's not a bitch to do it. Dave disagrees about her being a bitch, saying she just needs to open up. "The closest she ever got to being open was back at the beginning of the season when she was trying to sex things up with Stilettos in the Kitchen, and that was just a disaster conceptually."

So, six of them left. Is there anyone other than Suzie or Vic that looks like they could be a winner in this group? Dave thinks that Jyll doesn't stand out enough, especially when compared to Melissa d'Arabian. I want Suzie to win at this point. I like Vic a lot, but in terms of bringing something new, Vic is like Guy Fieri and Michael Symon rolled into one. I don't know if that one woman who had a Latin American cooking show is off the air now or just relegated to weekend mornings, but I like the way Suzie does it. Vic makes American food. He does it special, he does it Vegas-style, but he makes American food. There's not enough ethnic food on the Food Network. There's plenty of things where I can learn new techniques, but I would learn a lot more that's new to me from someone like Suzie or Penny (I would say Debbie, but I already know that soy sauce and garlic are Korean!). Mary Beth still looks to Dave like she'll be the next one to go. Whitney's improving, but she won't last to the end. Jeff's doing something new that's not on Food Network now, but he's not a frontrunner. Dave thinks he could end up as a dark horse, but we have seen the dark horse win before...look at Aaron McCargo, Jr.

Next week they're on Rachel Ray and we see from the preview that Mary Beth likes a good bone. Not sure what to make of that, but we'll see.

Food Network Star 7/10/11

2011-08-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to apologize for the long hiatus between recaps. We've been a bit busy over here in SnarkLand, between a vacation, a wedding, a conference, countless hours of driving, and several hours of not driving after I totaled my car (I'm relatively ok).

Now that we have that out of the way, let's fire up the Wayback Machine and go all the way back to July 10. This episode weaves the Camera Challenge and Star Challenge together as the contestants make commercials for the food trucks they are later running. So, my first thought is, how did food trucks get so popular? When I think of food trucks, I think of the mobile taquerias and pupusa stands in Langley Park, not gourmet and Food Network, but there have been food trucks on everything from their own FN show to Celebrity Apprentice.

As the teams get randomly chosen, Mary Beth and Penny end up together again. Let's see if they can make nice two weeks in a row. Vic decides that his take on this project is going to be to "stick to originality but infuse something new," and Dave and I wonder, isn't originality the same thing as something new? Only difference is that "originality" doesn't rhyme with "something blue!" Jeff the Silly Sandwich King decides that his team is missing Chris' frat-boy sense of humor and names their truck Balls on a Roll. Dave wonders if his team is going to have enough good ideas to make the theme work.

The teams each shoot their commercial, and we learn what Orchid's crutch phrase is as she uses "really great" three times in about 20 seconds. Penny cozies up enough to Chris in their wrap truck commercial to make Dave ask, "Is that the only thing you want to wrap up, Penny?" Penny actually gives compliments in this episode, which makes me wonder what her scheme is. During the shopping, Whitney buys canned cooked chickpeas instead of raw ones for her falafel balls, forgetting Food Network Star Lesson #1: Shortcuts Generally Fail. Later, Whitney is saying, "I hope it works out," and Dave replies, "Don't worry, you're obsessing about it, so it won't."

The diners each have to choose which truck they are going to eat from, which makes for an interesting dynamic as the truck name and commercials are all they have to go by. As two of the trucks have long lines and the third has no line, I start to wonder later in the episode if people are allowed to change lines once they choose. Bobby clearly enjoys the first two commercials, but I wonder about whether he'll laugh at the Balls on a Roll clip. He does end up laughing, but it comes across as more of the incredulous laugh you have when someone has a Facebook status that you sincerely hope is made up.

During this episode, we learn that Jeff's red headband was blessed by a monk in Indiana. No wonder it collects mojo! Jeff gives headbands to Whitney and Suzie so they look like a team, but I think Whitney's needs a little more mojo. Over at the wrap truck, Mary Beth says that her chicken wrap is "completely delicious," but we think it's "completely boring." Penny's taking FOREVER with prep, to the point where she doesn't have a single wrap close to ready when the diners arrive. A huge line forms as the diners wait for her filet wraps, and Mary Beth shows herself to be a real team player by going out and walking up and down the line engaging the customers and keeping them cheerful despite the wait. If people are allowed to change lines, Mary Beth's efforts here are especially important. Jeff's balls weren't getting a lot of action, so his "line" probably looked more tempting the hungrier people got. Chris gets a little overshadowed in the wrap truck until the judges come around. Chris calls his lobster wrap "a nice butter-poached lobster with a little cream cheese." Problem is, it's actually a little lobster with a ton of cream cheese. Chris describes it as being like crab rangoon; Dave thinks this is appropriate since he never notices the seafood in those either.

We haven't seen a whole lot of Orchid so far, and this continues as the judges arrive. Orchid, honey, the way to make an impression on the selection committee is not to punt to Vic when asked about your food! Dave thinks Orchid will be safe from elimination, not on her own merits, but because Vic and Jyll will keep this from being the losing truck and because she had the strongest of the weakest three dishes. "Jeff's food will save him. Same for Penny, despite being so late with it. Right now, I could see Chris or Whitney going home." Let's see how correct Dave's prediction ends up being.

Before judging, Jeff says, "I think this will be my lowest point so far." I don't think so, Jeff, because your food was good. (I initially typed "goof" there, which would work for Jeff or Chris!) Dave notes that, "Penny, what sucks is that you would be a standout without the attitude." When evaluating the fusion truck, Giada says, "It's fun to see, Vic, how you've grown." Dave chimes in with, "Yeah, plus you're actually serving food now!." Whereas Orchid "coulda been a contenda" if she had just grown during the last few weeks instead of remaining stagnant.

The bottom three are Mary Beth (despite the overabundance of cream cheese in Chris' wrap), Orchid, and Whitney. Dave thinks, "It's either Orchid or Whitney. The big thing is that they're very clearly getting impatient with Whitney. She'll go home and Orchid will be next if she doesn't do something next week." While the judges deliberate, Giada says about Whitney, "Sometimes, when someone's trying to figure out who they are, they try on a lot of extremes," and I reply, "Like Justin D?" Dave adds, "Look how that worked for him."

Dave comments, "I think they're being a little unfair to Orchid. Sure, she doesn't have a strong personality, but look at where the winner is starting out. Vic, with a little tweaking, could almost do Triple D right now. Orchid is the one who can teach you how to make a certain style of food in the kitchen. She's closer than the selection committee is giving her credit for." Yeah, but she doesn't have the personality of a Melissa or an Aarti or a Jyll. In the end, Orchid is eliminated. Well, Dave, you did think Orchid was going home next week if she didn't bring something major."

We'll see how quickly I can get my stuff together to write another recap. Dave and I started experimenting with having a digital voice recorder running while we watch the show instead of writing all of out comments down, and we'll have to see how the sound quality works out.

Oh, Baby....

2011-08-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

Saw this on GraphJam the other day... It had made my day!

see more Funny Graphs

Makes me think of the video I saw years ago with clips of Rachael Ray really enjoying her food (or at least looking like it) on $40 a Day. Whether you like or dislike Rachael, this video is a trip...

I told you...

2011-07-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

by a-sexy-robot on F*ck Yeah Guy Fieri

...that I was here to comment on Guy Fieri's (and Anne Burrell's) hair.

Don't they look like they were separated at birth or something?
Yeah, yeah... easy joke....

Rrrrowr...

2011-07-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know if John Q. Foodblogger is Jon Eick's or Sam's doing, but this cartoon is a recurring series on the food blog So Good. I saw this highly-inappropriate cartoon sometime last week...

I don't know what the 'code' would be were the genders reversed: Bobby Flay's "swagger"? Well...Kechara did report to me several recent references to Bobby Flay sans pants...

Let's George Takei's commentary on this one, shall we?

Oh, My....

2011-07-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

see more Memebase and check out our Troll Face lols! - Hat Tip: Buckeye Blue Devil

I can only imagine where things go from here. That poor unfortunate soul...

Only the Beginning... (Run Away, Run Away!)

2011-07-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hello! I'm A. Random Hapa, and I'm here to comment on Guy Fieri's hair. Hey...doesn't Anne Burrell have almost the same 'do?!

A little more seriously: I'm a 30-something librarian who likes to take shots of food, primarily on this blog.... I'm hoping to post on our common foodventures and funny little tidbits I (or others) find on the web. I may eventually get on the Chef Ramsay beat, since I don't have cable. I feel I'm a little less snarky than my co-conspirators, but I hope to give a feast for the eyes... and the funny bone. Or try a little goofiness now and again...

I also seem to like ellipses...

Hell's Kitchen 7/18/11

2011-07-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, Hell's Kitchen, you are always good for a Snark! Let's see what 18 new chefs give us to laugh about. I'm settling down for adventure with my Diet Coke and my favorite pizza in the world.

First of all, I REALLY miss JP!! James isn't bad, but JP is awesome! Carrie's already putting a target on her back by talking on the bus about how hot she is. I'm going to need to do some research, because I swear I've seen Will on another show, maybe Throwdown? Ramsay starts the show with another mindfuck, making it seem like they're playing to a packed house at the Orpheum and then giving them an empty auditorium. We learn that the prize restaurant is in NYC and this season's opening credits have a pinball theme. I always love watching the credits, although I'm getting sick of the bit with the designated Hot Girl blowing a kiss of flames.

Byko says:
1. Jason appears to be some sort of Mario Batali lookalike. That said, I didn't really see him much in any of the preview clips at the beginning, so maybe he doesn't last too long?
2. Jason, Natalie, and Carrie are all talking smack on the bus. $5 says that all three of them are gone by the halfway point of the season.
3. So, if the Masterchef prize is $250,000 and the Hell's Kitchen prize is a $250,000 salary, can we just have the two winners face off at the end, winner take all? Because I bet that would actually be a close call.
And finally, has there ever been a chef that blows a kiss in the intro that has lasted more than two or three episodes? Carrie, you're officially on notice. That said, based on the intro alone, Amanda looks like a leading contender.

My first impression as they're making their signature dish is that Monterray's a little too belligerant already. Yes, you're right that you don't need to cut anyone else a break, but in any kitchen you need to give your fellow cooks enough room that you don't elbow them! Carrie's not the only one to put sugar in mashed potatoes, so get off your high horse Gina. Apparently it was too much sugar, though, since Ramsay spit it out. (Byko: "So, does this mean I can keep the sugar in my mashed potatoes? At least I haven't seen you spit them out.") Branden, shouldn't your signature dish be something YOU came up with? Steven, how can you screw up the HK basics of scallops and risotto before the first dinner service even starts?? Why is everyone looking down on tacos? They may be "pedestrian," but so are plenty of other things that good chefs make delicious!

Byko: Steven, Gina and Jamie--have y'all ever seen HK before? There are three basic things you MUST be able to do in order to last long: cook scallops, cook lamb, and make a risotto. And Steven, what the heck was that on the plate? Risotto? I think with your dish, you discovered something new: a new disease that's closely related to chicken pox. And chicken pox on a plate is NOT something I want to see on any menu anytime soon!

Ramsay gets more creative with his insults: "You're so full of shit your eyes are brown"

The guys get to go to LA Market and meet Nona. I was so happy to see her win last year! The girls get to clean the kitchen and Elise needs to get over herself. If you've ever watched this show, you know that you win as a team and you lose as a team. Sometime I'd like to try those Henckel knives. I love my Calphalon knives enough that I take them on vacation with me if I think I'll be cooking! Jason needs the medic during prep...I hope we don't have another one learn about heart problems on the show. Turns out he needs bed rest and won't be coming back. Too bad, I would have liked to see him cook. (Byko: Well, I guess that explains why we didn't see much of him in the previews!)

During a commercial break, we learn that Kitchen Nightmares is casting in the Baltimore/DC area...that'll be interesting to see. In other commercials, I'm not sure I would buy old seasons of HK on DVD.

Byko: According to our announcer, "Tonight, Hell's Kitchen is once again the place to be in Los Angeles." Um, not in week 1 it isn't (unless you're anorexic)!

Ooh, I would love that birds' eye view of the kitchen, almost as much as I'd like to sit at a chef's table sometime. I like Carrie's efforts at communication, but I'd be interested to know if Elise wasn't communicating on purpose or by mistake. Steven's too much of an eager beaver, and he and Elise are showing their egos right away. So far, despite her poor signature dish, Krupa is shining in dinner service. The men have 3 guys sitting out after losing Jason to the DL...how many will the Blue team be down by the end of the night? Carrie, that's too much liquid in the pan for sauteeing scallops...apparently the girls also have issues with the fish station. Jonathan, it's great that you cooked a Wellington perfectly the first time ever! The question I have for you, though, is why didn't you practice ahead of time? It's always on the menu! Elise, you're not making friends with your team or with Ramsay by trying to take over. Let's see if some time sitting out cools you off.

Byko: Yeah, props to Carrie for standing up for herself and her station and pushing back against Elise--I don't think I've seen anyone do that before, though we've seen a number of chefs in seasons past get bullied off their stations and then get bullied by Ramsey! Other random thoughts: nice to see something new on the menu (even if squab is about as unsexy as it can get), Monterray's early mistake on garnish is at least a new one, and that first risotto did look exactly like rice pudding (even if I thought it looked like oatmeal at first), so that wasn't an actual insult from Ramsey there!
Chino just looks confused in the kitchen, particularly with his mouth always open, and Tommy, you really don't need to go to the Chino School of Clueless Looking Facial Expressions.
Steven, do you have ANY clue what a good scallop looks like? Because albino isn't it!

Uh oh, people are walking out before even giving Ramsay a chance to shut the kitchen down. He shuts down both kitchens barely into the entrees, and the boys are sniping at each other in evaluation, trying to prove who has more balls. As often happens, it's the worst opening dinner service ever. The more I see him, the more Steven reminds me of the stereotype of a 70's porn star. I am quite glad to see his back; now I just can't wait to get rid of Elise.

Byko: Steven, I'd say you have entusiasm, at least. Granted, it may be only 2 ounces worth, and it may be misplaced, but at least it's there. But this is Hell's Kitchen, not Hell's Dishwasher! You can clean the pans after you lose the team challenge next week! Can you show me just ONE actual redeeming quality you have on the cooking side of the kitchen?
Brendan, for crying out loud, you jackhole, take your lumps like a f***ing man! You blew it when Paul and Jonathon were somehow able to rip off wellingtons left and right, so just fess up!
Monterray, saying that you're better than one of the worst isn't exactly selling yourself. You won't be around long with defenses like that. And Chino, you're damn lucky to still be around after basically admitting you're in over your head!
All that said, getting rid of Steven was the right call: between being wholly incompetent on service and serving chicken pox on a plate as a signature dish, he wouldn't come anywhere close to even getting a Masterchef apron. So now, congratulations Steven: you can go jump in the oven just like Ramsey wants you to, even if you look nothing like Sylvia Plath!
So far, at least the women who bombed the signature dish challenge (Krupa and Carrie, at least) proved themselves during service. Brendan, Chino, Monterray, and Tommy, you all have NO chance next to Will, Paul, and even Jonathon (who will definitely be exposed when we get passed the competency half of the season and get to the second half, focusing on creativity).

Is that someone rooting around in the trash in the preview for next week?

Byko: It sure looks like it. And at least this time, it's not Rupert Murdoch. Good night!

Food Network Star 7/3/11

2011-07-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

At least tonight I don't have a cat on my notes, even if I do have one on my lap!

Before we get to the challenges on 7/3, we see a few scenes at the house. Whitney is having a crisis of confidence and discusses it with her mother, who gives her the advice to be herself and "just enjoy every single minute of every single day." Penny rants about how the girls don't like her while Dave says, "Uh, hello, paranoia? It's for you." This continues later in the episode, and Jyll points out to Penny some of the behaviors that are alienating her from the others. I find it rather amusing that Penny's complaining about all the drama when she's the one causing it! Don't complain about the alienation if you're not willing to do anything to get along with other people.

The Camera Challenge is to film segments of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. This might be the first Camera Challenge since the show format split like that to not have a cooking-based Camera Challenge and to not announce a winner before the Star Challenge. As the segments are described, Dave initially thinks, "Oh, please, give me the opening! Or at least not interviewing the server." Then he hears the time limits and says, "Geez, 15 seconds. On second thought, I'll interview a chef, please!"

Susie has the opening segment and immediately earns a personal foul for inappropriate use of the hands - too much gesturing. Chris starts out his interview bouncing like a bobblehead, and Guy seems like he teaches a lot more and a lot more effectively than most of the other stars who appear on the show. When interviewing the owner, Mary Beth is way too stiff and Orchid thinks that this task doesn't have anything to do with food. It's all about food, honey, you just need to find the connection. Justin D tries to act like Guy when Guy encourages him to show more personality. During one of the takes, Guy says to him, "You've got 4 seconds left, what are you going to do with it?" My thought: "Put in another double-negative?"

Penny keeps bringing the focus to herself during her interview of Piper the waitress, continually interrupting and asking about what she wants to talk about, and one of the other competitors points out that "Penny doesn't care about highlighting anyone but Penny." She says afterwards that, "I feel like the interview with Piper didn't go the way I wanted [it] to." Dave replies, "Why? Because it wasn't about you? You can't interview yourself!"

Star Challenge: Creative All-American Foods, as sponsored by MGD 64.
Dave's response: "Let's see how well we can lie about MGD 64 being our friend."

Chris doesn't look like he bought enough shrimp to feed 150, but we'll see. I like Jeff's use of the beer, but I don't think Mary Beth's dish is unique enough. Jyll should know by now that even if you're not used to a certain cuisine, you can't ask others for advice on an individual challenge! Orchid hopes her brisket will magically become tender with just 2 hours of cooking. I doubt that'll work any better than my magic therapy wand.

As we get to the food festival, the competitors learn that they will be the entertainment as they each demo their dish. Susie's back among the judges this week, and Dave is glad to see it, "not that I minded looking at Giada last week!"

As Susie starts her demo, she makes us both nervous as she stands in front of the table talking rather than cooking. She does finish on time, without even looking like she is hurrying. Jeff plays around with a guitar and jumps off of the stage at the end. From Dave: "Really, Jeff, again? You're gonna go big, ball of fire and all that? You're gonna get burned one day, son." To me, Jeff looks like he's had too much MGD 64. And why start out making us look at your butt? Vic starts and ends well, but Dave points out that, "I think Vic missed an opportunity in the middle, where he could have answered my question of, 'What's an aioli?'" Whitney makes her own ketchup, and Dave likes. "What a nice, easy-to-demonstrate thing to present. Now I want to make my own ketchup at home!"

Thanks to Mary Beth's presentation, we now have 2 episodes in a row with a mention of the idea of Bobby without pants on! Maybe that's what Food Network Nighttime really ought to be!! Dave wonders whether this episode was originally filmed on No Pants Day.

Before evaluation, Jyll has a solo moment on camera where she talks about her dish and the other competitors. I'm getting sick of the "I didn't want to compete" line from her. Also, Jyll, it's not up to you to judge other people's motives.

Given the yelling between the women, it looks like the competitors listen when they're told not to hold back during evaluation! Justin D explains the problems with showing his personality by saying that he's a private person. If you're a private person, why do you want to be on tv? Penny complains about not feeling cared for, but honey, this isn't the place to find love! (Or sex, for that matter...we are ALL glad you got off of the sex in the kitchen kick.) Aside from the judges telling Penny that she had 2 bad performances, there was no real mention of the camera challenge at all during evaluation. It was almost like it had never happened!

So, Dave, what do you think about Susie telling Chris that, "We want to see more of you"? "For an episode and a half, I haven't said, 'Chris, get off my tv.' I think he's really taken the comments to heart, and even though I'm not big on his antics and actions in the kitchen and the frat boy stuff he still does there, when he's in front of the judges or the public, he looks a LOT better."

We'll see when Dave and I are able to watch and blog about the episode on 7/10, given that we'll be on vacation at the time.

Food Network Star 6/26/11

2011-07-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, Dave and I watched the last 2 episodes of Food Network Star. Since he's working extra hours this week, I'll be posting his comments as well as mine again.

Camera Challenge: Bite-Sized Kelloggs with Michael Symon

Susie has a crush on Michael, and Vic might as well be looking in a mirror, with them sharing what Michael calls "caveman good looks." Chris was more natural than ever...quite the turnaround! We'll see how long it lasts. I was impressed with both Whitney and Vic as they used a bare pantry as an explanation for them using the Kelloggs products in their bites. Jyll did an effective job of explaining why her bite is so good; this has been a camera challenge in past seasons.

That was the good (mostly), now for the bad and the ugly. Justin D needs to learn to enunciate, as it sounds like he is saying his bite tastes like human. Oh, you actually said cumin! Darn it, I was hoping to learn what Soylent Green actually tastes like. Justin B has almost a monotone. He is praised for his food but asked if he can communicate it to a viewer; Dave responds, "No! We already know that!" Jeff tells us that he wants to make the Iron Chef laugh...uh oh. It appears my premonition was right; he makes a joke about All-Bran keeping you regular. Didn't we learn from Corissa in Season 2 not to discuss bodily functions on camera?

Star Challenge: Cooking for Cougartown

Penny likes the idea of this even more than Chris does! "Being a cougar myself..." Dave: "Do you REALLY want to admit that on tv??" Jyll embraces the challenge (for her) of vegetarian "cooking," saying she doesn't want to be seen as a one-trick pony. I'm glad she sees the danger of that; it's good for her ability to stay to the end. What's not good for her staying power is making a salad for vegetarians.

As we get to shopping, Chris thinks he's focused. We'll see. If nothing else, Chris, haven't you learned from other shows that stuff never thaws when you think it will?? As Justin D can't find the ingredients he wants, he gets flustered and gets 2 bags of quinoa instead of 10 for (I think) Whitney's stuffed peppers. Jeff can't find any ground meat for his lettuce wraps and decides at the last minute to go with tofu, saying, "I'll do something outrageous and either rise to the top or go down in flames." Dave tells Jeff that he can't afford to go down in flames, and I reply that he hasn't really been rising to the top either.

When they're hanging out at the house at night, Chris goes raccoon hunting and Vic throws a pool float at him, saying, "Don't mess with my friend the raccoon!" No wonder you're friends, you're both striped! The next morning arrives, and Susie's practicing in front of the mirror. Dave reminds her that it can't be over-rehearsed (because of course, they can all hear the advice he and I give!).

Orchid has a method for calming Chris, saying "Code Blue" when he gets out of hand. Unfortunately for Dave, she's not always there. "Chris, did you just call her the Orchinator? Seriously? Again, get off my tv!" While the camera is on Chris and Orchid, I am wondering who left a box in the middle of the kitchen floor. The spice rub Chris put on the lamb looks good enough to tempt me, and I don't even like lamb! Predictably, though, the lamb is not thawed.

Whitney shows a great deal of insight as she points out that Justin D's original plan seems to be haunting him/ Jeff notes that he's having second thoughts on what he's making, and Dave says, "You never had first thoughts on what you're making!" Justin B says that he's looking at the Israeli couscous under his tuna as a texture piece rather than for smack-you-in-the-face flavor. Problem is, on this show, you need smack-you-in-the-face flavor.

They get ready to go to the set, and Paula Deen comes on as the surprise guest. She gets called the Ultimate Cougar, and Dave and I debate this. One the one hand, she is married to a guy her age, but on the other, she does like to flirt with younger guys...just ask Tim Hudson! She also likes flirting with Bobby, between Paula's Party and this episode. Paula tells the competitors, "Don't edit yourself. That's what the edit room's for." Uh oh. Dave says, "Let's edit that, Paula. You mean don't edit your energy, right? Because everybody already has plenty else to edit." I shudder to think what Chris will make of that advice. Dave replies, "At least radio host and know-nothing Howie isn't with us." As they go to the set, the advantage of this being a written media is that y'all didn't have to hear Dave sing, "Won't you take me to Cougartown."

The mojo-collecting headband doesn't seem to be helping Jeff much as he tries to sell his group on the tofu, which is too bad since it turns out to be really good. Justin B says during presentation that the couscous may be a little bland. Dave: "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? YOU MORON!" He then adds, "Casting called. Justin B, you've been traded to Top Chef...for 3 boxes of red onions." I ask, "How about for 8 more bags of quinoa?" Dave: "I guess that would be small enough to carry back to the wagon." OK, so we've played too much Oregon Trail over the years. Justin B also offers white balsamic to wake up the dish. If it would wake up the dish, why didn't you make it part of the dish for everyone?

I expected Chris to be the one to screw up the plan for the presentation, not Orchid, but she got all starstruck. Bobby says about Chris that "today he didn't do anything ridiculous." Justin D gets called a sexy Harry Potter Chef. Really??

Penny's claws come back out in the evaluation. Dave asks if they ever went in, but she did hide them for much of this episode as she and Mary Beth played nice. We see that Jeff's gamble paid off and that he did actually rise to the top. Giada says to Justin B that, "We've seen glimmers of a personality that we like, but you're not moving fast enough." Dave, having absorbed some degree of Terp-ness from me: "Diamondback terrapins move faster!" Across JFK runway they do!

I was going to post our reactions to the episode from 7/3 tonight, but I was delayed by an 18 pound cat on my notes. So instead, you'll have to wait till tomorrow night. Ciao!

Food Network Star 6/19/11

2011-07-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm posting the comments from both myself and Dave, since Dave is out of town. I know I'm an episode behind, but we just watched this episode on Wednesday and it seemed like a good one to start with.

So, our fearless (except for Alicia) contestants enter a new day of competition having lost two players instead of one in the last episode. Their Camera Challenge is using chocolate candies of different sorts in savory entrees. Our first reaction: Susie plus mole should equal WIN, but will it? In the end it does, but not as much as Jyll's coconut shrimp, which wins her the right to choose her team for the Star Challenge. We also learn that Jeff has a mojo-collecting headband to avoid sweating into his food like he did in the last episode.

Between the challenges, Chris tries to help another player (Vic, I believe) to regroup for the Star Challenge, saying, "Just get pissed off and do better." I generally think Chris is an idiot, but he actually gave some good advice there.

For the Star Challenge, Duff and Robert Irvine challenge teams to make desserts, with 2 collective desserts per team and one dessert per person. Robert directs his team to create over-the-top impossible desserts with interesting flavor combinations. Duff, channeling the little boy inside of him as usual, directs his team to create sophisticated desserts that a 6-year-old would love. Jyll gets to choose not only her team, but which challenge her team will face. Jyll takes Duff's challenge and picks all of the girls except Penny, leaving her and the boys on the other team and creating the teams I then called Queen Bees and Wannabes.

The Queen Bees and the Wannabes end up with vastly different leadership styles between them that highlight the differences often seen between men and women on teams. The Queen Bees fall into a collaborative pattern where they each add to the ideas and focus on how much fun they had together. This works well in terms of coming up with ideas, but not as well in the kitchen, where Orchid and others feel that leadership is lacking. The Wannabes, on the other hand, struggle some over who is the leader. Chris tries to take charge and be everywhere and doing everything, but Justin B and others on the team have the attitude of, "He may think he's the leader, but I don't care what he says." Chris is in the middle of everything and not doing a good job of keeping ANYTHING clean or making his food or his contribution to the collaborative dish. When Chef Robert comes in and sees the kitchen, he fires Chris from the leadership role. Robert gets called "the swift hammer of justice" here, which is amusing given that on Dinner: Impossible he tries to avoid the swift hammer of justice by completing his tasks! The team nominates Justin B, who shows a very different leadership style, coordinating tasks rather than being in the middle of all of them. Figures that I'd end up talking about leadership on the first real post, when the main contributors so far are an advisory chair, a section chair, and the national president of a service fraternity that has leadership as a cardinal principle. I guess I never really end up getting that far away from APO no matter what I do!

Dave had a couple of priceless comments about the desserts that people made. Although they ended up as pancakes due to a lack of frying oil, Susie originally tried to make churros. This led to Dave saying that we would have "a little Benicio del Churro action" on the Duff team. Also, when Robert came to inspect the Wannabes, he asks Chris what's impossible about his dish. Dave, speaking as Chris: "What's impossible is that I don't have the skill to pull it off."

The teams go back home to destress before the evaluation, and the girls use an ingredient that Dave finds inferior. "Box wine? Seriously? I don't care if it's for sangria!"

During the evaluation, the Wannabes win and are all safe for that week. Dave's reaction to this: "Well, Chris, you got lucky. Your team bailed you out. And now I have to look at you on my tv for another week." Justin B is criticized again for his lack of personality, and Bob tells him, "I'm waiting for you to come out of your shell. Is that something you want to do?" Dave replies for Justin, "No." I think Dave's right, looking at the look on his face when Bob asked that.

During the evaluation of the Queen Bees, Dave thinks that Susie is being unfair in saying that she doesn't see Orchid growing as a competitor. "Susie wants to see her growing, but how can she grow when she's already so good?" My response was that, for the people that survive to the end, this is the ultimate training program. Orchid does still have some weaknesses (canned oysters, anyone?), and Susie would like to see her work on them. Dave: "Being the frontrunner in the beginning is dangerous! Then again, it did work well for Aarti last season."

When they evaluate Jyll, the Big Three criticize her lack of leadership in the Star Challenge, reminding her of what she has said in the past about not being competitive and asking whether she has the desire to win. Jyll defends this by essentially saying that she does not want to be like Penny in the last episode. Dave: "See, now Jyll starts to get it...or not. She really doesn't want to be cut-throat. Cut-throat is digging through the trash and seeing all your competitors' food in there. Competitive is wanting to win but doing it graciously...enough. Maybe she doesn't have that at all."

In the end, Alicia goes home and tears up again. I know that if I were ever on the show (not that it's likely to happen, but a girl can dream, right?), I'd have problems with self-confidence and tearing up too easily. The ultimate question is, would I end up like Aarti or Alicia?

At the end, we have the group preparing for the next week, a little commercial clip with Jyll, and scenes from 6/26. Chris says he's going to do better next time, and Dave says, "Chris, didn't you say that same thing last week? Please, Chris, go the f*&% to sleep!!." As Jyll repeats words too many times in her clip, Dave decides, "Jyll, I'm starting to love love love you a little less less less." We learn that the next week involves cooking for the cast of Cougar Town, a frat boy's dream, and Dave asks, "Hey, Chris, think you can handle it?"

As soon as we or any other authors get a chance to watch the episode from 6/26, we'll put up a new post. Until next time, boys and girls!

The Start of Something Snarky

2011-07-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

When my husband, Dave, and I watch food shows, particularly food competition shows, our conversation tends to be a combination of playing along and cracking on the contestants. When we watch Chopped, we pause the tv after the baskets are opened and figure out what we would make with the chosen ingredients. When we watch Best Thing I Ever Ate, we note what we would choose for each category. When we watch Hell's Kitchen, we wonder who would come on the show not knowing how to successfully cook scallops or make a risotto. I had the idea recently to add a few more personalities and turn this banter into a blog.

So here's how this will work: Whichever author is the first to watch a show will post their reactions, and the other authors that watch that episode will edit the post to add their opinions WITHOUT changing or deleting anything written by another author. Readers are welcome to comment with their opinions, and authors who have not seen the episode will add any opinions through the comments rather than adding to the post. For both readers and commenters, please no spoilers about future episodes if you have seen them. I'm one of those people who sometimes had several episodes backed up on the TiVo, and I want people like me to be able to read the post about the episode they've seen without getting the ones they haven't spoiled for them.

So, ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the snark!